NiiixReplay

Oh Hello, 2012!

2012-01-01T14:48:00.002-05:00

Yeahhh, hello to you too. Didn't expect to see you at my door so soon!

So it's been another year. I could be nostalgic and say, "oh I remember where I was this time last year," but I already did that last night.

This year's new year was...different. So many things have happened this past year even I can barely believe it. 2011 has truly been an amazing and eye-opening year for me, and I've learned so much, especially the past three months or so. Just...so many changes. I feel almost sad waving goodbye to 2011 but then I guess I don't have a choice.

Soon after the clock struck 12, one of my closest friends here texted me about something that happened this morning, and said a lot of stuff that just made me so sad and hurt. I posted how I felt on gchat and then my other closest friend here just...

Well, I lost my best friend here on New Year's.

I went to visit some friends at their workplace today and I saw them...I came to an epiphany. Carl Cartee's Honestly kept replaying in my mind...

Honestly I need to be broken

And honestly I need to fall down

Go ahead and shake my foundation

'Cause honestly I'm figuring out

That of all that I have

All that I need is You

Honestly

Those words hit me so hard. I finally began to comprehend the meaning of broken down, the meaning of having my foundation shaken. It is not fun. It hurts, and it's horrible. I got back to my car and just sat there, listening to my Christian playlist on my itouch and crying, in front of God, pouring out all the hurt and thoughts to Him, finally surrendering. Addison Road's Hope Now played...You become my heart's desire/I will sing Your praises higher/'Cause Your love sets me free. He is faithful and just, and His will will never lead you where His grace cannot keep you. He has a plan for me, I know it. Jeremiah 29:11.

Miraculously, all the songs that played then on were about being strong in the Lord. Matt West's Strong Enough-

I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be

I give up

I'm not strong enough

Hands of mercy won't You comfort me

Lord right now I'm asking You to be strong enough/

I can do all things

Through Christ who gives me strength

I don't have to be

Strong enough

Right after that came Tobymac's Get Back Up

Seems like you're fighting for your life but why, oh why

Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare

You saw it coming but it hit you out of nowhere

There's always scars

When you fall that far

You lose your way, you get back up again

It's never too late to get back up again

One day, you gon' shine again

You may be knocked down but not out forever/

This is Love callin', Love callin'

Out to the broken, this is Love callin'

Song ended just as I parked in my garage =) 2012 did not have a happy beginning, but it's what I make of it that counts. Like Po in Kung Fu Panda 2 =)

1 Corinthians 13

New Year's resolution:

To be a woman of God, loving on others and being a testimony to His love.

God is Amazing

2011-12-07T19:24:00.004-05:00

The most amazing thing happened to me today.

I got into a fight with one of my closest friends and so I was just upset. I turned my phone off, walked in the rain all the way to Varsity bus stop, stayed there through the pouring, then ended up taking the bus back to Bragaw and asking him to open his suite door so I could give myself some peace of mind and end this stupid fight/tension/whatever it was. He was at dinner with his trombone friends...that's okay. I haven't eaten dinner yet. Still haven't. I walked out...crushed, distraught, and just at the edge, knowing God closed this door but still asking how He could ease the pain, why there was no physical person there for me when I needed someone. I began to cry, crushed and alone, and walked past this girl carrying an umbrella.

"Hey, are you okay?"

I turned around, sniffing and saying I'm fine but she walked up to me and asked, "Are you sure? Can I help you with anything? Do you just want a hug?"

That was the question I've been waiting for for forever. "Do you just want a hug?"

I nodded and as soon as she put her arms around me, I started bawling. We stood there for a little bit before she offered to take me back to my dorm, sharing her umbrella and I ended up telling her everything that was on my heart and on my mind and everything that was hurting and bothering me. Well, she walked me back to Lee and it turned out she was a Christian too, and just before she left, she said, "well, take this as a sign that God loves you."

Gave me another hug, smiled, and said, "Merry Christmas!"

Her name is Kailey, a junior majoring in psychology here at State. God brought her here to help me right at the time I needed someone. He has once again proved that He will never leave me alone and is always, always watching over me.

---

哭的時候沒人哄, 我學會了堅強; (There's no one to comfort me when I cry, I will learn courage)
怕的時候沒人陪, 我學會了勇敢; (There's no one with me when I'm scared, I will learn bravery)
煩的時候沒人問, 我學會了承受; (There's no one to ask me when I'm stressed, I will learn endurance)
累的時候沒人可以依靠, 我學會了自立... (There's no one to lean on when I'm tired, I will learn to stand on my own...)
就這樣我找到了自己, (This way I can find myself)
原來我很優秀, 更可貴的是，世界上, (I am important, I am blessed, in this world)
我只有一個, 只有一個我! (There is only one of me!)
漸漸地, 我成熟了, (Slowly, I mature)
知道了人是被逼出來的, (I know people grow by things pushed on them)
只有壓力才有動力, 因為沒有更大的不如意, (Only by pressure is there motivation, because there isn't any bigger unhappiness)
所以現在的不如意也是幸福的! (So all the unhappiness now is actually a blessing!)
想要成蝶的蛹就要破繭, (To be a butterfly you must be a cocoon)

想要重生的鳳凰就要蘗磐 (To be a reborn phoenix, you be cremated)

上面寫的全都是真的. 人會變, 而有一些變化是要逼出來的. 這幾個月我學會了很多. 我覺得我學會了多一點承受, 多一點堅強, 多一點勇敢. "現在的不如意也是幸福的"...好像英文有一首歌, 叫做 "Blessings In Disguise," 是滿好聽的一首歌. 可是要記得...累的時候, 沒有人依靠...還有神...可以自己站起來, 但是要靠神的力量. 我覺得我常常要自己一個人站起來, 但是同時我知道如果我沒有神的話我永遠不會有這種力量. 所以不可忘記常常禱告, 知道神很愛很愛你. 祂沒有說生命是容易的...只是說祂不會離開我們.

Everything written above is true. People change, and some changes have to be forced to be made. I've learned a lot over the past few months. I've learned a little bit more about endurance, a little bit more about courage, a little bit more about bravery. "All the unhappiness now is actually a blessing"...it's like a song called "Blessings in Disguise." It's a great song. But you have to remember...when you're tired and there's no one to lean on...there's always God...you can stand up on your own, but you have to rely on God's strength. I feel like I always have to stand by myself, but I know that without God's strength and power, I would never be able to. So don't forget to always pray and know that God loves you very much. He never said life would be easy...just that He will never leave us.

2011-11-27T17:52:00.003-05:00

I don't mean all the mean things I say.

The more I hurt, the more bitter I become.

I'm sorry that it's the way I defend myself.

I wish I could help you. I wish I could constantly be the sweet, helpful person people say I am. I wish I could smile all the time and just be happy for you instead of being bitter, harsh, and hurt then breaking down in tears after.

It's not exactly easy now, but it's so much better than the day we were just strangers.

Just give me some time. I'll get over you and stop burdening you. I promise.

The quote Jennifer always used- "if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, then it's yours. If not, it wasn't yours to keep."

It's so overrated. I used to like it...not anymore. I never lived by it.

One day. I promise.

For now...I'm sorry.

-------

我掉進愛情懸崖　回想起你的可愛
傻傻的還在等待　以為你還會回來

11/1/11

2011-11-01T00:52:00.002-04:00

Should I laugh? Should I cry?

History exam tomorrow. I know close to nothing.

I feel like an enclosed room with water pouring in. The beautiful clarity, the bite of the cold. Something so beautiful, so deadly, so fatal. Drowning me.

God has reached out His hand. He is the only one.

My family is complete. Yet my eyes are still searching for you. My hands are still outstretched.

I can't bring myself to leave.

Quasimodo

2011-10-21T15:47:00.003-04:00

Quasimodo was born with a hunchback and other physical deficiencies. The townspeople of Notre Dame are terrified of him, and yet, underneath the ugliness, the monstrosity- there is a kind heart that loves and yearns to be loved deep within. People don't see it. They don't look deep enough to see it. Therefore, he is cast out of society. "Quasi" and "modo" in Latin mean "almost" and "standard measure." His name means, "almost the standard measure of a person."

I am not perfect, inside or outside. People may hate me, people may love me. But those who matter don't understand. They can't see what's really inside. And therefore, I feel cast out. There are so many times, just this week I was tempted to run away. Tempted to isolate, tempted to just quietly step back from everyone's lives because I know that they'll be fine without me. Because they don't need me.

慢慢心痛
沒有人發現我和從前不同
你的眼中
看得見另一個人給的感動
No one can see, no one can understand. No one noticed a difference over the past couple of weeks. He didn't either. Not until I told him.

However, God has been good to me. He loves me, and He and my family are the only reasons why chaos hasn't broken out. Why I'm still being held together.

수 많은 밤 지새우다 [I stay up so many nights]
내 눈물 같은 별빛이 멎지 않는 비가 되면 [When the starlight becomes rain that doesn't stop like my tears]
기억해요 내가 사랑했단 걸 [Remember that I love you]

나 그댈 갖지 못해도 내 맘이 [Even if I can't have you, even when my heart]
끝내 슬픈 인연의 벽 앞에 [Is blocked in the end]
가로막혀도, 그댈 사랑해 [By the wall of sad connection, I love you]
바라볼 수만 있는 곳이라면 [If it's a place where I can just watch you]
아파도 울려도 사랑해 [Even if it hurts, even if you make me cry, I love you]

When the starlight becomes rain, remember that I love you.

2011-10-04T18:24:00.003-04:00

Couldn't have prepared myself for this fall; shattered in pieces, curled on the floor

Remember we used to touch the sky cause

Lightning don't strike the same place twice

When you and I said goodbye

- Mariah Carey

I was asked a question today-

"Deep down in your heart, you know that I would never leave you...or else you wouldn't let me hold you...kiss you...do these things to you...right?"

Wrong.

I know there is just as much chance as you leaving me, and honest-to-goodness, I am totally prepared to fully let you go if that's what is going to happen. But I love you. You said you felt like you were in a stale relationship. That you were so used to the love I give that you felt nothing at all. If I can do anything at all to help you feel that love again, I'm happy to help. I want to make you feel loved, even if you're going to leave at the end. I can deal with the consequences.

Maybe that's making you look like the selfish one. Like you're taking advantage. I'm just going to go ahead and say read the paragraph above, but that's something I can't help you with =\

Thought we'd be forever and always;

Baby I miss you;

I'm reaching for you

-Mariah Carey

You have asked me my opinion so many times, and I repeat- do what makes you happiest. Make the choice you won't regret. You know how much you love her. Don't let "just because you have a girlfriend" stop you. Don't let me hurting stop you. Because I won't hurt. So don't worry =)

Letter

2011-10-02T16:52:00.004-04:00

Hey-

See my layout? Well...got that right before you went to Taiwan over summer =) haha I remember you smiling and saying "me gusta mucho =]"

Together forever. Forever and always. Forever yours.

Promises that will have to be broken.

Eight years. Our own family. Growing old together. Having a son and a daughter. Saving up money for parents to go on a cruise. Eating yummy dinners and taking walks after so we stay healthy. Teaching our kids to play basketball. Teasing you when you get your first white hair.

Dreams that will forever stay what they are- dreams. Wisps of hope, fluttering away in a heartbeat.

If it means you guys will be happy, I am willing to go so far as to cut off everything from you, even though you and I are each others' best (gender) friends. So I guess some last words:

Just let it die
With no goodbyes
Details don't matter
We both paid the price
Tears in my eyes
You know sometimes
It'd be like that baby

Now every time I see you
I pretend I'm fine
When I wanna reach out to you
But I turn and I walk and I let it ride
Baby I must confess
We were bigger than anything
Remember us at our best
And don't forget about

Late nights, playin' in the dark
And wakin' up inside my arms
Boy, you'll always be in my heart and
I can see it in your eyes
You still want it
So don't forget about us

I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever
So don't forget about us

[Don't Forget About Us - Mariah Carey]

I couldn't have prepared myself for this fall
Shattered in pieces, curled on the floor
Super natural love conquers all
Remember we used to touch the sky

And lighting don't strike the same place twice
When you and I said goodbye I felt the angels cry
True love's a gift but we let it drift in a storm
Every night I feel the angels cry

C'mon babe, can't our love be revived?
Bring it back and we gon' make it right
I'm on the edge, just tryin' to survive
As the angels cry

Baby, I'm missin' you, don't allow love to lose
We gotta ride it through, I'm reaching for you

[Angels Cry - Mariah Carey]

Dying inside 'cause I can't stand it
Make or break up
Can't take this madness
We don't even really know why
All I know is baby
I try and try so hard
To keep our love alive

Hey, what I wanna do is
Ride shotgun next to you
With the top down like we used to
Hit the block
Proud in the SUV
We both know our heart is breaking

[I Stay In Love - Mariah Carey]

Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time
You'll find the way

[Hero - Mariah Carey]

Remember us at our best - the "I miss you" you said today. No matter which way you choose, remember the good times.
When it's for real, it's forever - stay strong =) if your feelings are for real, be willing to fight for it. Who knows, it may be your forever =)

Don't let anyone tell you it's unrealistic if it's your dream. Forge ahead. Go for it, and let nothing but God hold you back.
This morning, when you said you miss me, I was honestly surprised. But I guess I knew what you meant after you said, "I miss the time how we could just have fun together and not be in this mess." I miss those times too. I miss you =\ been missing you for close to three months. But over the past week, I can see the extent of your feelings for each other. A long time ago, someone said to you, "if you're stuck between two girls in your life, pick the second one, because if she ever came by in the first place, the first one didn't mean that much to you anyway."
I agree with that =) I don't want you to throw your heart away for someone who couldn't keep you in the first place. Look ahead, towards the future. Last night, I could see how you both just...emotionally died without each other. This is not my place. And so, I'm going to plead with you, again and again, until you know the full extent of what you have to do going down either road. I stay by what I said last night.
I think Uncle George brought up something important today (I almost laughed because of how much his lesson kind of related to you)- one was created for one. You cannot have both. Just one. Be happy with that one. Love that one person, take care of them, protect them, and commit to them. Uncle Mike said we were created for each other, as friends, as a fellowship, but also as couples, someone who can know you on a much more intimate level.

I love you, I want you to be happy, and I want the best for you. Just say the word, and I'll help you in any way I can.

Last words to myself-

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAWN!

2011-09-18T22:09:00.008-04:00

So, to start off- a few memories ;)

8th grade spirit days

Girls' bball Christmas party

camp =p

I forgot what this was for...

SPORTS DAY =D

GUESS WHO'S EIGHTEEN?!??!?!?!?!?!?

S'RIGHT.

happy birthday, Dawn =)

Yes, I still remember that your favorite color is green =p
aka Chowda aka Chow Chow and all those other nicknames I call you that you probably prefer that I don't =p haha
AITE. TIME TO BE MUSHY!!! =D
Man, how old were you when I met you? 13? IT'S BEEN FIVEEEE WHOLEEEEE YEARS!!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!
I promise I didn't have chocolate milk prior to writing this. But I had a really big sushi buffet dinner though =D TEEHEE
Okay SO REALLY TIME TO BE MUSHY!

Remember those old notes we used to pass in my fallen-apart notebooks? Well, I was rereading them over the other day and they sounded SO KIDDIE. LOL. But good memories, haha.

OHMAFDKLSAJFDSAJFKLDSFS YOU KNOW WHAT I JUST REALIZED?! I DIDN'T DO ONE FOR YOUR SEVENTEEnTH =( SORREEEEHHHH~~~

Anyway. Five years...three of them spent hanging out with you, playing bball, chatting, heart-to-heart...ing...writing, singing, laughing, passing notes, and just sitting next to you in class. Those were good times =) we've had our ups and downs, but I think the funny thing is that although I've known you for less time than some others in our class, you, Sahara, and a few others are the people I'm still closest to no matter what (Ian, Jo, Sam, Elly, and Karen count too. And maybe a few others o.o Idk, but this isn't about me! =D). So for the past two years I've been away in the States, I think it's absolutely amazing how you're still always there for me and just how well you know me. Thank you for always being there for me to rely on and just to talk to about anything, even if it's just over email and we STILL can't see each other = = but thank you so much =)

The other day, I was just talking to Peter. I think he was drinking sprite or something and this triggered a memory- the year we played in U20, remember how we used to split a bottle of sprite ice before each game, kinda like a "good luck" tradition? Haha =)
Every time it rains, I would think about the times we played ball together in the rain. And that time everyone on the court ROTFL (rolled on the floor laughing) when Nick jumped in front of the ball to stop it...LOL HAHAHAH and then everyone else in the courtyard stared at us and thought we were crazy.

Then with all the drama we've been through these few years...too many to count x.x but thank you for always being one of my main pillars of support and someone I can always count on. You're an amazing friend, and I'm so glad to have a sister like you. We didn't hang out together that much outside of school in HK, but I'm sure we will sometime very, very soon =)

Now that it's your eighteenth and you're starting college (like me! =D) this year, I pray that God will guide your steps. Follow your heart, but use your head while doing so, and most of all, listen for the quiet voice of God. I pray that He will watch over you and that you would stay close with Him all the days of your life and even as you pass into older adulthood =) and whatever you go through, remember I'm only a phone call/text/email away =)

I love you!! Happy birthday =)

[17]

2011-08-26T23:53:00.004-04:00

So my birthday was on Monday, and Peter took me out to dinner at Cafe Carolina =) stuff was not bad, haha but kinda expensive so I feel bad for using so much of his money x.x then walked around Cameron Village; the weather was just too nice not too =)
Thennnn went back to Bragaw for the AO Ice Cream Social =p it was...nice being around all these Asians and awkward Caucasians because they're in a totally ninja environment and have absolutely no idea what to do =p

Spent the night at Peter's (as always) =) haha. Classes the next day, ended at 1 after honors seminar. Peter had orthodontist at 2, but we ended up being like 40 minutes late...haha =p we're such procrastinators. Then we went to his house to hang out and ended up napping instead...he woke me up saying we had to pick up Amanda and Jacob for dinner and bball (Tuesday night basketball!) =p so we picked the two kiddies up and then went to Wendy's for dinner.

Then. Then.

Peter drove to the cinema and Jacob and Amanda got out and so I was like, "OHHHHH ;) i getcha" when Jacob opened my door (I rode shotgun, of course) and said, "happy birthday."

SPEECHLESS.

So I got to watch Rise of the Planet of the Apes with APanda and Jakeyboo (=p LOL love you guys!) and Fondue =) took them home after, and then we went back to State.

Another big shout-out goes to SAHARA, because she sent me this uber long email of our history and our friendship, detailing every single bit!
SHE'S MY BESTEST BEST BEST BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD =)

but anyway.

Thank you to everyone who made my 17th amazing<3 I love you all

17th~! =)

2011-08-22T14:02:00.002-04:00

So.

Yay for being 17! =)

Gosh that sounds so weird.

How am I celebrating?

CLASSES

I know, it's sad =\ but yeah. Haha sleptover at Peter's =) so first thing I saw when I woke up...=p

but anyway.

Went to classes this morning =p then saw mounted police haha two of them =) right after ANS 105 haha =) they were SO nice, stopped to talk with students and stuff. One of the horses, the bigger one (11 years old) was white, named...Br...something haha it was a pretty crazy horse =p and the second was chestnut (my favorite =)) named Cowboy...he was 10 =) haha spent some time talking to the officer on Cowboy and petting him =) haha so wonderful.

Then...lunch with Ariel and Robin (he came on campus) and Peter =) then saw Rebecca and Jenny so they sat at the table next to us =) had a good (FAT) lunch, haha. Walked Rebecca to class then went to the math tutorial thing at SAS hall because Peter needed to do hwk and needed help (speaking of which, I should start homework...) so yeah =) got Calc at 4:30-5:45 and then dinner dateeee =) haha =)

I think that...the first person I need to thank today is God =) for creating me and loving me even though I fail and fall short of Him and constantly hurt Him. For giving me His best =) and protecting me and keeping me alive and being with me. For still being there, waiting by the phone every time I walk away from Him. Thank You, Father. For everything =) literally.

Next...my parents =) MOMMY AND DADDY, THANK YOU! For putting up with me 17 years and giving birth to me and loving and caring for me since before I was born. I love you guys =)

To Peter- you're the bomb =) hahaha the awesomest boyfriend ever =) thank you<3

To Sahara, I LOVE YOU! You're my bbbbbbbbbbff and ever and ever and ever and ever!! =) haha

To my ANNOYING but lovable cousins Ariel and Robin, I love you guys =) thanks for grabbing lunch with me!

To Phillip Lin, for the AWESOME Halo 17 graphic =) hahahaha

To the rest of my friends- YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME! =) thanks guys!

Now only if I could spend the day with my family...

First Day of Classes @ NCSU!

2011-08-17T11:50:00.003-04:00

Hi there. Moni here =) hahaha

Hi there, Peter here =) hahaha I love Moni =]

Wowwww what a copycat haha =p but I love you too =) First day of classes in college! So I guess first official day of college? Haha
Moved in Monday and spent the night at Peter's =) umm...well woke up at 7:20 to take kids to school then chores the entire day, then slept at 3:30ish, woke up at 8:50, filmed straight from 11-6:30ish, cookout with Peter, picked up Amanda and Jacob, went to bball, and yeah...haha got back to dorm, showered, and then slept at Peter's again. Woke up...then class =p animal science 105 haha, it's been a great class...got calc at 4:30 -sigh-

=) haha so...been pretty good so farrr! =)

2011-07-22T23:56:00.003-04:00

I guess this is going to be the last blog post in a long, long while.

Clean Slate (noun) - 1. an opportunity to start over without prejudice.

...I was thinking more along the lines of starting over completely, but okay, I guess that works. Credits to audioenglish.net which I found off of the wonderfully amazing Google.

Summer camp was this past week! I gotta say, it was a very, very life-changing experience, and it was amazing. I met new friends, the speaker (David Nasser) is awesome AND hilarious, Rush of Fools is a really nice band, and they really are worth supporting in their ministry because they're true to what they do. This camp's main theme was Devoted, which meant being devoted to Christ. I don't have a problem with that =p if anything, I know I learned more and connected more to Christ during this camp than anything else. And praise God that Shaun and Dean got saved =) haha Praise, Emily and I hopped out of bed at 12 to knock on our girls' doors to tell them haha. Also for the people who stood in the aisles...God be with them =) it's true...when someone believes, there is great rejoicing in Heaven, and I felt a fraction of what the angels and God must have felt at that moment.

The week got off to a pretty bad start mainly because of Fondue-issues. Well...after all's said and done, he said he wanted to start off on a clean slate in our relationship. I guess to me...it just seemed like the past 17 months never existed at all. Like...he said that a hug was pushing the limits, and he doesn't tell me that he loves me anymore. And what can I say? He asked if I would put up a fight if he said he wanted some space...why would I...Uncle J said that I would, but I mean...I look at it this way: if he wants space, there's nothing you can do.

So I told him not to worry about me. Because I'll be fine. God's with me. I'll be fine.

After it's done killing me on the inside.

Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

So...my blog layout...need to change that.

But I'll be fine.

July

2011-07-04T10:10:00.001-04:00

Chazzie unnie has outdone herself.

I LOVE MY NEW LAYOUT =) And Fondue does too! See?

Peter: What up?

me: so tired

you?

DUDE

CHECK OUT MY BLOG

Peter: hahah ok

me: brb

x.x brush teeth and cook breakfast

geez I'm tired

x.x

Peter: haha ok =*

Me gusta mucho!!

me: back =*

heehee

Peter: Haha welcome back =*

me: you likie!

I likie

Peter: haha we likie? =]

me: we likie =D

So...a BIG thank-you to Chazzie unnie!!!!! =)

This summer, Peter's gone back to Taiwan...again. -sigh- I've got 12 more days until he comes back...CAN'T WAIT! AND he turns 19 tomorrow...so YOU THERE. Be sure to check my blog =) Idk if I'll make it in time though because because because because I'll be at orientation =( but I try my best, okieee?

Breakdown of the next three-ish weeks:
5th - Peter's birthday/NCSU orientation
6th - NCSU orientation
7th - free day/lunch with Jacob?
8th - last day of VBS
9th - A/V practice in the morning
10th - church/A/V
11th-14th - NOTHING
15th - Youth Group
16th - PETER COMES BACK!
17th - church/hang out/movie/dinner =)
18th-23rd - SUMMER CAMP =)

Happy Birthday, Sahara!!

2011-06-07T01:43:00.004-04:00

So I have like a bajillion blog posts to do...this one, and one for grad/last day of PCHS, but I think I'll do that one like day after grad or something =p haha. So.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SAHARA!!! =)

Last day of school at CAIS...

Pretending to be locals at camp

Crazy trip to HK Island then to Cheung Chau and back =p

You and your fish face while we posed for pics at the Festi food court =p

Mannn it's been...WOW seven years since I first became friends with you. Let me tell you straight up right now...if it wasn't for you, I don't know how I would have made it past these seven years. You are seriously the best friend I could not have asked better for. Remember in sixth grade...the Skull series? Haha I liked drawing it because it was easy and you made it look so simple. What happened to those notebooks? Haha you used to hate me drawing in them because I took up too much space haha. But it was still fun while it lasted =) Then hanging out all the time at Festi's!! OMG it was so much fun haha different stuff every time. Going to Page One, trying out stuff at Agnus B., eating at KFC and the food court, watching movies, you watching me ice skate...haha then there's MK where we snuck out Friday nights, going to take sticker pics and shopping and karaoke. Man...best years of my life =) and it was all with you! Whenever I needed a friend, you were always, always there for me.

Thank you so much for that =) and I thank God that you've been such an amazing friend to me as well. Even when we didn't hang out that much, we never lost our bond, and it's just GREAT. Thanks for all the phone calls and the times hanging out at your house after school, going to TST and everywhere else with me, having lunch at cornershop and the restaurant next to your house, eating at Fairwoods and going to internet cafes...haha =) Man we were rebels. But thank you. Because you made a huge impact on my life by being my best friend, no matter how pessimistic, haha. I still love you =)

I just wanted to let you know how amazing of a BEST FRIEND you've been to me all these years and how much I appreciate you and I needed you all throughout =) (and let's not forget all those times I tell you to remind me which you do, and I never listen to you haha) as I have said before...you are an amazing best friend and I could not ask for better. Always there for me, always entertaining and always keeping my secrets and pulling me back down-to-earth. Happy birthday =) I love youuu!!

2011-05-23T00:34:00.006-04:00

Why does it hurt so much?
If it wasn't for school, I could sit on my bed all night, crying.

1. Jacob's leaving
2. Horrible fight with Fondue
3. I yelled at him without meaning to
4. I ruined his appetite
5. I basically just ruined everyone's night out
6. I suck at time management
7. I deserve whatever Fondue yelled at me about (which was about a billion times tonight)
8. I deserved pretty much everything mean/harsh he said to me (which he almost never did until tonight)
9. I am a failure
10. I am a waste of time
11. I am unloved
12. I am alone
13. I need to crawl into a hole and die.

I wonder if anyone would care when they read this.

Bones

2011-04-03T22:21:00.003-04:00

You can take my dry bones
Breathe life into this skin
You called me by name
Raised me to life again

You can calm the oceans
Speak peace into my soul
Take me as I am
Awaken my heart to beat again

Oh Jesus
Oh Jesus
Oh Jesus
Alive in me

You move in the unseen
You set the captives free
As I stand and sing
You're breaking the chains off me

Oh Jesus
Oh Jesus
Oh Jesus
Alive in me
Alive in me
Alive in me
Alive in me
Alive in me
Alive in me

Breathe in me Your life
I can feel You are close now
I can never hide
You are here and You know me
All I need is You
And I love You
I love You
I love You
I love You

Breathe in me Your life
Til Your love overtakes me
Open up my eyes
Let me see You more clearly
Falling on my knees
Til I love like You love
Like You love me
I love You

Oh Jesus
Oh Jesus
Oh Jesus
Alive in me

Bones - Hillsong

A song Ming chose to do for worship at big church this week =p new song by Hillsong =) I personally really like it, both in terms of musicality and meaning of lyrics. It's just so neat =) but this song just kind of snapped me back? Like...I've been doing a lot of...stuff...= = probably shouldn't. But I guess this song puts my feelings into words. God has been so good to me, and Jesus died for me, and yet I wallow in sin, and I feel like I just can't break away from it. I don't know how to x.x I hope this passes over soon because I really just want to be back with Him.

I sent this to some people...my friends who I think about with this song.

Dawn Chow - that she'd find the strength to deal with whatever's going on in her life in HK and just the roadblocks that Satan has put up for her. Help her stay strong, God.
Phillip Lin - for Phillip...that he'd still find his way closer to You and help us to stay good friends.
Daniel Hamilton - Daniel...man. He's been a real good friend. Please settle his heart and his fears and just lead him in the way You want him to walk, whether it be with us or in Chicago. Let him know you have plans for him.
Jacob Kuo - for the pain in him. I pray that You would calm the storm in his heart and his life and just continue to teach him who You are and who he is.
Jennifer Lee - whatever's on her mind and however she's feeling. I don't know, but You do. Be with her, and work her heart towards you. Help us to reach out to her and be her friend, and let her know that she can be safe with you, that she has a best friend in this world.

"You are the light of the world..." Matt. 5:14

2011-03-11T23:41:00.004-05:00

Wow, it's been a month since my last post already? =p Sweet.

So...I guess it's time for another update =) the past week was State's spring break, so it was pretty awesome hanging out with Fondue all the time =p Monday was...a lot of fun =p hung out at my house, went out to pick up Sonya, went to Goodberry's and had a chocolate brownie sundae =) it was soooooo good =) haha then hung out at his house for a while before he drove me home =p

Mmm..Tuesday was...not bad =p bball that night was...competitive...haha another girl showed up and I was GRRRRR because she was bigger than me and Idk if better = = but yeahh I kinda got worked up about comparing myself and all that junk...talking to Fondue kind of made me feel better =p thanks for being my best (guy) friend.

Wednesday! Hung out with Peter for a while at the park and Rita's =p it was fun...had some light afternoon chatter I love the most =) piano was really good too =)

Thursday~ let's see...what did I do yesterday....(I know, such a fail = =) OH RIGHT. So...my friend came up to me in the morning telling me her boyfriend broke up with her =\ she was so sad it made me sad...even though she ran out of tears to cry =\ soooo...when she asked me to ride with her after school, I couldn't really say no >.< she needed someone in the car to concentrate, so I asked if she wanted to go grab ice cream at Rita's and talk. Sabrina was in the car too, and the three of us just had a lot of fun chatting. Then Sabrina's mom called and so she had to rush to the library =p haha my friend ran a stop sign right after I asked if she obeyed the law and she said yes (with Sabrina backing her up saying she never speeds and crosses the white lines) =p yeah...went to Rita's to hang out with Kelsey and met Stephanie =) so much fun to hang out with...we talked about relationships and just had some fun girl time. We (Stephanie, Sabrina, and I) agreed to rob a gun shop :D

Friday!! Early release =) sooooo excited. I had a good period in Spanish...not much to do, had the last 30 minutes of class to do an assignment I finished in 10 and just slept for 20 minutes. IT WAS SO GOOD. AP Music Theory...I was tired from sleeping so I just put the white hood (wore my white NC State hoodie) and pulled it over my face because my hoodie was covering my body and Yash said it made me look like that freaky thing in Pan's Labyrinth. The thing at the dinner table? = = it was so scary. Anyway. So...talked about non-harmonic tones and it was just funny.
Bensen: Is that a neighboring tone?
Class: Yes
Bensen: NO IT ISN'T, IT'S GOING DOWN THE STREET!
AHA. Then I was talking to Yash about something (don't remember what), but then I made this weird noise that Kelsey (who was sitting on my other side) stared at me and I just burst out laughing. Didn't even know what was so funny = = but right at that moment, someone asked a question and Bensen said, "No, that's just an obnoxious tone." and by that point, I was laughing so hard my face felt red. So the whole class just stared at me and Bensen was looking over and doing wavy motions with his hands xDD trying to cool me down, hahahah it was so funny. Idk, I just went hyper =p
Chem...not too bad =p Bowman was nice yesterday and today =p
Precalc...quiz! It was so easy =) and Betz is always one of the funny teachers, haha. Just grades hard = = and gives hard tests = = but yeahh had fun in precalc too, believe it or not =p

After school, Fondue picked me up for lunch =p we planned to eat and then go to my house and watch Peter Pan...haha met up with Joanna and Jaycee (sp?) (GH grads) to go to Red Bowl, but we decided to go to Panera instead because Red Bowl was so expensive = = and yeah...haha Joanna's brother Jonathan came too, and we picked Michael up from GH...so the six of us went to Panera and saw Angie, Ruth, and Anna =p Haha Jonathan is so funny, we had this" argument"/"rivalry" going on...haha fun =p and Joanna and Jaycee were really nice, so it was fun =)

Dropped Michael off at Planet Smoothie and went home =) Hung out at my house for a while...said we would start movie at 2:35, yeahh well...haha scratch that. Then Sonya texted Peter telling him to go to the park because she was there with some friends and the guys were playing basketball. Ehhh...didn't really know how to feel about that. He asked how I felt and then said that he hung out with me all spring break and didn't have the chance to hang out with Sonya and stuff. He asked me to go...I didn't really want to -sigh- and yeahh...Idk...not sure how I felt about that =\ I told him to go because...he needs other friends too, but I really wanted him to stay = = Kind of brought back memories of what happened during winter break/NHS induction ceremony so...not too happy =\

I guess I lied through my teeth though when I told him it was okay...I guess he knew =\ but he knew he needed friends too and stuff. So I texted Jacob for a while and just talked to him about it and other stuff =p my mom picked me up at like...5:09 after coming back from Grand Asia =p I was a little late to practice, but practice was fun =) Went to play Nerts after...haha with Praisee, Danny, and Anne, then people changed and I just played until YG started =p Won every game except for like, one or two...danggg I was on fiah =D

Peter and Jacob came from playing bball at the park with food for Praisee and Jacob...I didn't eat dinner so I had half a mind to call him, but I was pretty upset so...just ended up not calling and didn't really eat anything. When he came, I just kind of...let it slide...-sigh-

Tonight, Abby had a hunting class or something (she got her hunting license! =D) so Jerrod was speaking...he talked about being the light of the world (Matt. 5:14-15) and he taught in the dark. Then he gave us glowsticks and told us not to crack them until he said so, haha. I guess that message hit me pretty hard because I saw just how much my life was submerged in darkness, especially stuff that had to do with Fondue...ehh he sat next to me so like...after the message...about "What is the purpose of life?" and about how God sent us to be a light to make an invisible God visible to the rest of the world =p just hit me pretty hard. Each of our glowsticks had 'purpose' written on it...mine was blue =p and it just so happened, so was Fondue's. Anyway, so we cracked them and made a pact =) huge weight lifted off my shoulders, and suddenly, I wasn't so burdened anymore.

Worship time came...while Jerrod was praying, he told us to go on to the stage...we did worship in total darkness except for the glowsticks =p and the A/V room lights, haha =p but yeah...it was so awesome =p I guess like...that message really hit me...because for the first time ever, I felt completely carefree and happy while leading worship =p I didn't care about how "well" I sang...didn't care about anything at all except for the passion in the songs I had never noticed before. It was then I realized that it was the times that I don't care so much about the quality than the meaning behind it was the best I've ever sang for worship. God hears me =) He loves me. And I love Him. Tonight, we played Filled With Your Glory, You are Holy, and Lead Me to the Cross. LOVE those songs =) but yeahhh haha. Originally, I thought I would have blogged about a sad day, but after worship, everything was just so carefree. It was like what I experienced before and what I tell other people: "After God's first in your life, everything else just naturally falls into place."

So yeahh =) Went home, had some family/sibling bonding time =)
Had a good week ^^
Watching Peter Pan 2003 tomorrow! One of my top three favorite movies of all time =) So excited!

2/19/11

2011-02-20T16:14:00.009-05:00

Soooo...Saturday.

Had a good day =) Haha worship practice (except for the throat; been sore for about a week), then Chinese school, then hang out, cut tree xD then went to Jennifer's show at Cary High for Winter Guard =p

TWO GROUPS DID TWO OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES.

1. Wakefield Silver (JV) did "The North Star", where they used music from the 2004 Peter Pan movie =p I LOVEEEE THAT MOVIEEEEE -sigh- I can't believe I left it in Hong Kong though =\ it sucks that I can't really watch it
2. Another high school did "The Queen of Hearts" from Alice in Wonderland 2010...I LOVE THAT MOVIE TOO haha =p I was like O.o at the ending because the ending was kinda weird, but it was great haha =p I loved both of those

And also, a special dedication to JENNIFER LEE and Wakefield Maroon for doing such a good job on their show, "Trapped" ^^ So proud of you guys, and JENNIFER, YOU DID NOT SUCK =p and do not suck, haha and don't say I'm lying because denial is the brain's defense mechanism!
Anyway, I had a good time hanging out with Fondue and my stalkee, except for the few arguments we had the past 24 hours...which was like...4 fights in a day >.< -sigh- Got home, showered, talked on the phone...at first, it was all silence and then I guess somehow we just got around to talking and had some heart-to-heart time, especially with everything that's been happening lately =p so I guess that was good. -sigh- this morning...went to Sunday School where I missed Jenny Liao T_T because she wasn't there T_T and yeahh...haha then second session while doing worship...my...best friend...came at a completely inappropriate time x.x after worship, went out where Elaine helped me out and Fondue came out...I had a cup of hot tea after the bathroom, then went back inside where he said he was going to be after me because we didn't want to like, walk in together...
I asked him where was sitting and he told me then I said, "Do you mind if I sit with you?" he looked at me and smiled and said, "You can...it's open =)"
Well, I went up there...and...he never came.

Went to Bojangle's for lunch with AO with Thomas driving and Phillip in the back, haha =p it was a lot of fun hanging out with the college group because I knew a lot of them too =p Peter was supposed to pick Jennifer up because she was in Cary, but by that time, we were done so they just ate at Wendy's (correct me in my cbox if I'm wrong and you didn't eat together because I just assumed from texts o.o) before Peter went to frisbe with Michael and stuff.
Thomas drove me home =p with TingTing, Calvin, and David in the back while I sat in the middle of the front and Phillip sat on the other side xD It was so much fun hanging out with them, as much as I got teased, haha.

Then...afternoon...wasn't a good day...

sooooo I didn't get to hang out with Fondue today because he had to cut trees and when he was finished, it was starting to get dark outside, so not allowed out of the house. Idk...I guess I started thinking a lot about him then and about the stuff we've said and been through the past 48 hours...
I started feeling like something was missing, you know? I missed him all of a sudden. I suddenly felt like he was going to slip away from me someday, and I don't know what would happen when it comes to that.

Our relationship feels different...like something's missing.

Meh. Just...sad...sighh talking to him now...

So...basically...horrible week through and through...except for the Jennifer part haha...

I am...so sick of this crap.

2011-02-18T22:41:00.002-05:00

So. So. So sick of this crap.

Okay, so recap of what happened this week:
-I got ditched by so-called "friends" for another girl who plays bball on the team and got a question I didn't understand
-Precalc test was horrible; think I failed it
-Literally failed Spanish IV test
-Realized that my friends don't need me when it really comes down to the bottom of things
-Everyone around me is freaking immature and needs to grow up
-MY MOM.

I don't deserve the crap I get. Then again, I don't deserve a lot at all. I don't deserve God's love and grace. I don't deserve Jesus's sacrifice. And I don't deserve all the crap I get from other people just because they're retarded.

So YG was making my week look up until basketball. Like, I was playing ball with the guys as usual until Brandon rolled his ankle and something exploded so he had to sit...ran to get him ice and Praisee helped me...
Anyway, so then it was Jacob, Peter, and me vs. all. At first, it was okay. Then I guess they just got into the game and I guess I just felt like I was back at CAIS, playing ball in the morning with guys who are absolute retards and need to grow up and NOT THINK THEY'RE FREAKING SITTING ON TOP OF THE WORLD BECAUSE THEY'RE GUYS AND THEY THINK THEY'RE SO GOOD AT EVERYTHING.
Back to the point.
I guess I kind of felt like I was back there, playing ball again where guys all hogged the ball and never lets you do anything just because you're a girl and you suck at everything that's outside of the kitchen (for everyone who agrees with that, screw you). So...Idk...maybe it was a relapse of emotion or maybe I was just overreacting, but after that horrible, horrible shot I made, I guess I was just thinking to myself, "Wow...you suck...at everything...first singing, you're horrible and Christie and Anne are the singers you can never be. Then at chem; you're supposed to know all this stuff. Why can't you do better in precalc and Spanish!? Now basketball? You're such a failure."
Yeah. Before YG started and everyone was outside, I went into the MPR by myself to wallow in self-pity about how I'm such a fail when HeeHee came in and I guess he was just sitting there for moral support. Thanks, Steven.

Then...-sigh- bball...I guess I just stood around...even when I was wide open, I had nothing to do. It was always Jacob Peter, Peter Jacob. I guess I started feeling bitter? Like...this little voice said to me, "They don't need you. You're horrible. They're so much better at basketball. you don't make a difference. You suck at this because you're a girl and you can't play for sh*t." I guess I thought back, "Well, I don't need them either. I bet they wouldn't care if I walked out."
You know what? I was right. I walked out for a while, praying that my mom would come pick me up already and miraculously, she appeared behind me.

So I walked back into the MPR and I felt like crying because I was so totally right. I watched them play ball and thought, "Yeah. You were right. They didn't notice. Didn't care at all. They don't need me. I don't need them."
That was painful. I was so torn because I knew that I didn't really mean it, but it was like the feelings that the little voice talking to me kind of transferred over into my body and made me feel really bitter about it. I was about to start crying even when I saw Peter just...I thought he was walking over to give me a hug and say bye, you know? Maybe ask why I just left like that. Nope; I look back and he was busy playing ball. Thanks.
Then he comes over later after I HINT HINT HINT stare at him for like, 2 minutes.
Whatever...
I didn't hug him back when he hugged me...I guess I felt incomplete leaving like that so I just went over to give him a hug.

I complained to my mom in the car and said that I'd rather die now so I can be in Heaven and be with God so I don't have to put up with all this crap. Then my mom said no = =

I AM NOT SUICIDAL.

Anyway. So I get home and spend some time with my mom while drinking lemon honey water and go upstairs to blog when she comes over and I say, "5 minutes."
Well. So she left me alone and when my siblings started crying, I went downstairs to check it out and she did too. I finished, came back upstairs to start blogging again when she gets mad at ME for not shutting it down in "5 minutes" and says that instead of picking me up at 9 tomorrow at Cary for Jennifer's competition, she's picking me up at 8. BECAUSE SHE'S EFFING MAD AT ME. WHAT THE FK. Jennifer's show doesn't start until 8:50.

One of the things I told her about in the car was how I originally wanted to go to either UCLA or NCSU. I told her I'd rather go to UCLA to get to know a new environment and people so I wouldn't have to put up with this crap at home.
Idk. I just don't want to be here.

See how my week was horrible? Yeah. Thanks.

Other than that beautiful day yesterday when I got to spend some time studying outside and spending time with God =p that was the...only highlight of my week. Thanks = =

Titanic (1997)

2011-02-16T20:50:00.004-05:00

Seeing as I have just finished my favorite (I think) movie of ALL TIME, I think that this particular movie deserves a special mention from me.

There is not a single movie I have watched that can make me cry like this. NEVER. I don't even cry because of physical pain much. But this movie. MADE ME BAWL. Like...for the past few times I've been watching it, I BAWLED at the end -sigh- That 1997 movie DESERVES the 11 Academy's/Oscars it won =p And personally, I think Kate and Leo deserve a LOT more awards than they got for that movie =p

As most of you may not have known, I grew up loving anything about the Titanic. Since I was little, I've been reading stories and articles about it, looking at pictures and visiting time and again what happened that fateful night April 12, 1912. I know the stories backwards. I just loved it; it was a hobby, something I loved to look at, read about, and study. There was just something that called out to me, something that appealed to me about it all those years. I never knew what, though. Maybe it was the memoirs that people have written, the things they said about the ship, or even the maiden voyage itself. I love every single thing about it, it fascinates me.

The first time I watched the movie, I was...8 years old. I didn't understand it; my cousins and I watched it in my mom's room after putting my little sister to sleep. We fell asleep watching =p so missed most of it, haha. Years later, I come back to watch it and find out that this movie can make me cry like no other = = So yes...this post = special tribute =) Kudos to Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in this amazing movie; I wish they'd get together already = = but seriously, this movie was amazing (before Leo turned...old...like in Inception! I liked Titanic better :O by a lot, haha) =) a must-watch for...everyoneeeee!! =)

So there goes my special tribute...TITANIC

Special Shout-out

2011-02-03T23:36:00.002-05:00

Special shout out goes to Sam Lee, because he makes me feel horrible. Just kidding. Haha because he's an awesome friend who doesn't really frequently talk to me but still talks to me...LOL haha that didn't make sense. Anyway. Special shout out to you =)

2 0 1 1

2011-02-02T21:50:00.010-05:00

It's 2011!

Some big things on the agenda for this year:
-GRADUATION. FINALLY.
-NCSU!
-Senior prom
-Chinese New Year (tomorrow, actually =))
-Summer Camp '11 @ Lynchburg, VA
-Charity Ball '11 (maybe?)
-Marching band!

...Andddd a whole bunch of other stuff =)
I waited for my new layout before actually posting the first post of the year, but -sigh- haha that's okay =) Hmm...well, let's see. This year actually started out pretty awesome =) Spent the last few hours of 2010 at Fondue's house for his sister's 21st/New Year's party. No. I didn't get drunk = = but I got to spend New Year's with him =)

Note to self: vodka tastes like rubbing alcohol.

Didn't get a New Year's kiss, haha =p that would be my fault = = but we spent the first 12:14 of the new year together =) it was great.

Hmm...

TACAS New Year festival was fun =) skipped out on like, 2 hours of my 5-hour shift to watch a ball game at the apartment with Fondue and his brother =p Hahahah he ran a red light = =
Celebrated one year anniversary yesterday =) it happened to be on a Tuesday, so we could see each other =D we were going to go out to eat, but we couldn't so just played ball instead =) he made me something off of paint...I'm so proud of him =) but I didn't finish his present in time =( -sigh-

What else...school...

I didn't get the part I wanted for the musical =( but we'll see what they say about the other parts I wanted.
Last semester of high school has officially started! This is my hard semester = = which really sucks since everyone else's is so easy = = taking Spanish IV Honors, AP Music Theory, Chem Honors, and Pre-Calc Honors...which is pretty sad, considering that I have AP exams in early May and a whole load of buttwork for these classes = =

It's time for 2010 reflection!

First off, to thank the people who've made this past year the way it was:
-God [the Giver of Life =) for his love, patience, grace, mercy, and much, much more]
-My parents [for giving me life! Haha and raising me and putting up with me]
-Fondue Lin [for...being yourself =)]
-Dawn Chow [my sister/twin...thingie...haha =) I love you! For the encouragements and chats and stories and everything else =) oh, and putting up with my insanity]
-Sahara Gurung [BFF. BFF. BFF. BECAUSE YOU ARE AWESOME. PERIOD.]
-Eva Chiang [the big sister I never had =) I love you! Keep going with your head held high because YOU GONNA KICK BUTT =)]
-Jacob Kuo [my adorable son, haha. For the basketball, laughter, and shoulder to cry on]
-Angela Zhou [awesome jie jie =) so glad we got to know each other better =) we gonna finish up this year and kick high school in the rear! Then we go tarheeling/wolfpack-ing =) ...LOL]
-Phillip/Sean Lin [thanks for the crazy talks around the clock =p and the retarded pictures. AND THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIDEOS (I just spelled his name wrong and they had it on spellcheck o.o) LOLOL keep holding on =)]
-Josiah Ng [warped older brother in the same country as me! It'll be fun...x)]
-Ian Fong [my best friend too...haha my guy best friend =)]
-Jennifer Lee [Jellifah~ my stalkee, hahaha it's been so nice to get to know you better =) I really did/do love talking to you, haha. You're adorable! ^^]
-Faith Park [WINGLIN ANGST TWINS. WE STILL GOT THIS!]

...and a LOT more people! An unbelievably long list of people = = It's going to take forever to thank you all...WaiWaiLeungHelenQuPraiseeWuGraceWuVivianChenStevenYehBrandonLuongStephanieChien
JenYehEricSanThomasPhamJennyLiaoAlexMiccicheLilyJanStevenHeeFeonMakChrisLoKennyYu
JerrodandAbbyMcCabeHeliciaChiangKevinChouAngelaYeungAbbigailSoMichaelLinArielWong
RobinWongJuliaNanBrittanyBicknellKeyaGibbonsJonJonChang
you guys are awesome =)

Wow...2010 =) it's been a...different year, haha. First official year back in the States...wasn't too bad =p started the year off in February going out with this guy I've had a crush on since...Idk...haha =p it was an interesting re-meeting (so I think I've known him since I was little because...haha kiddie Sunday School; think he used to sit in the back with the guys when we were little in church since he got here before we moved to the new building and I've been there since...1999 xD), and...yeah. So I've had a pretty good year...got my driving permit...started TA-ing at RCLS =) the first class I TA-ed...wow, a bunch of kiddies...but they've made a significant impact in my life and I really do love those kids =) all 2nd-4th graders...I miss them since they switched my class =\ Hmm...met a lot of cool people at school, haha. New friends =) Gotten closer to a lot of friends too.
There's been a LOT of ups and downs, especially with God, my parents, and Fondue. But I guess we made it through and hung in there =) I don't really know how to sum up 2010...just that...it was different, haha. I learned a lot =)

This year, I'm going to try to stick to my resolutions:
-Have quiet time at least once every week
-Pray every night
-Get down to at least 120 lbs = = (tells you how fat I am)
-Be less of a drama queen
-More patience, please =)

2011 ready or not, here we go!

A Christmas Bubble Tea ;; December 11, 2010

2010-12-12T01:01:00.002-05:00

Wow. Just...wow.

So okay, after that REALLY SUCCESSFUL bubble tea event, RCCC decided to host ANOTHER bubble tea event, this time around Christmas. And...it was tonight.

Let me start off by talking about these past few weeks.
I don't really know how to describe it...I guess...I've been lost...wandering...looking for God...I knew He was here and was ALWAYS here, but I guess I've just been feeling so far from Him. It was partly my fault of lack of communication with Him every day, but also not being able to listen to Him sometimes. As weird as it may sound, it kind of had something to do with the things my boyfriend and I were doing...it was just...not sure, I guess I knew it was wrong and it bothered me a lot, but it was just so addicting and everything...
So I decided that it was going to happen for the last time on Friday. I apologized, I promised, I prayed, and lastly, sealed with worship to Him. I will honor this apology towards Him.

Today, I went to TA at Chinese school, then went on a date with my boyfriend later on. I guess I felt bad about lying to my mom what was going to happen after Chinese School, but I enjoyed my time with him x.x Idk if it's a good or bad thing...I mean, I love him and I love being with him...
So we got to bubble tea after me finally meeting his roommate and watching Harry Potter 7...let's just say...worship was...rejuvenating. It was AMAZING. I felt refreshed and rejuvenated. I felt...completely and totally in love with Jesus Christ. And then I realized how much I was idolizing my boyfriend and how long it's been going on...we tell God to be the center of our relationship, but it's hard living up to it. But we will. We will.

Jesus died so He could save me. I will give up my life for Him.

Family

2010-11-27T22:12:00.002-05:00

...is important.

I don't know why, but recently, whenever a family member is brought up and talked about, I feel like...crying. Take for example the night before; I was talking to my mommy about daddy and stuff he's been through and what he's done in the past for his family...and I almost felt like crying. Other than I love my daddy, why is that? It broke my heart...

My heart was broken again today, just a few minutes ago. My sister, my beautiful, adorable, innocent, sweet, caring sister...I know, I get mad with her a lot of the time because she's so temperamental and I'm just...impatient with her. But seeing her physical and mental disabilities...seeing her so innocently happy every day and everyone else getting mad at her because of her temper...then seeing her head down towards the ground or seeing her head held in her small hands...it almost brings tears to my eyes thinking about her and what's going to happen to her in the future. I love my sister a lot...despite all the arguments and stupid things.

Sigh...>.< my daddy and my sister are the two family members I show least affection towards and yet, I still love them the same as my mommy and brother...blehhh Idk...family is important.

I Don't Want to Miss a Thing < 3

2010-11-09T15:43:00.001-05:00

Dedicated to...

you know who you are =)

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever

Where every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you baby, and I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you, the sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby, and I don't want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together

I just wanna stay with you in this moment forever, forever and ever

I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you baby, and I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you, the sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby, and I don't want to miss a thing

I don't wanna miss one smile, I don't wanna miss one kiss
I just wanna be with you, right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close, feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment for all the rest of time

Don't wanna close my eyes, don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you baby, and I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you, the sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby, and I don't want to miss a thing

I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you baby and I don't wanna miss a thing
'Cause even when I dream of you the sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby and I don't want to miss a thing

I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall asleep
Yeah, I don't wanna miss a thing

Colorgenics.

2010-10-06T00:52:00.004-04:00

Name:	Moni
Date:	Wednesday 6th 2010f October 2010 05:50:10 AM
Colorgenics Number:	6/7/0/5/3/4/2/1/

At this particular time you are perhaps setting yourself too high a target and so you are living in the land of 'make believe'. It would also seem that you have been bitterly disappointed in the past and you are at a stage where you feel that you can trust nobody. You would like to forget it all and turn your back on the past and start anew.

Rejection is what you fear the most and it is this fear that makes you unapproachable. You are looking for acknowledgement and above all looking for people who can appreciate you for who and what you are.

Your confidence has been shattered. There are so many things that you would like to do with your life, so many dreams to be fulfilled - and you know that your hopes and dreams are not just figments of your imagination, they are real and you are looking for reassurance from someone. Basically your fears are such that you may be prevented in attaining your hopes and dreams. Even now you would like to broaden your fields of endeavour but in order to develop your 'inner- self' you need peace and solace. You are distressed by the fear that you may be prevented from attaining your goals. What you really need at this particular moment in time is quiet reassurance from someone close to you to restore your confidence.

At this moment in time you feel as if you have lost the strength of will to contend with existing problems and difficulties which appear to you as deliberate opposition. You are trying to stand your ground but the pressures are intolerable. You would like some co-operation from those around you but it's not forthcoming so you feel that, in its absence, there is nothing you can do to improve the current situation. You would like nothing better than to 'get away from it all'.

Circumstances are such that you have been exposed to considerable stress and tension, perhaps due to unfulfilled emotional needs. You would like nothing better than to escape from it all by retiring to some 'fantasy land' where you are permitted to RELAX and get back your strength.

=====

Wow...-.-' so much of this is true it's insane...

Countdown: 4 Days

2010-10-05T00:00:00.000-04:00

Someone tell me why I'm not going to sleep when I'm dead tired, completely not feeling like myself, and it's 12:34 AM.

4 days left until I take my last shot at the SATs and try my best to get into college. I barely even studied, and when I do, it's so hard to concentrate.
Tonight, I just...slacked...on everything. Came home from a terrible day...I had stomach cramps starting from about 9 and had to wait until 2:45 to get medicine. It hurt so bad by third period that my teacher sent me down to the main office at about 12:15ish. Stupid Panther Creek doesn't have a nurses' office and people aren't allowed to distribute pain medicine. What the heck? I went over to the attendance office because the main office people told me to, and she told me to call my mom or something...it hurt so much I was about to either throw up or cry. It hurt that bad. And I never cry because of something physically hurting.

Bleh...got home, napped for like...close to 3 hours x.x

I don't know what's wrong with me...it's either because my emotions right now are in complete overdrive mode because of my physical condition or something my mom said before bothers me even though I know it's not true. Leaving these thoughts unspoken are suffocating, but they're also dangerous and hurtful once they're out. I don't want that to happen. Just have to find the right person to tell it to, I guess...

Jealousy...self-pity and anger at that are all feelings that I've been experiencing. I'm jealous of other people for different things...self-pity...I guess I just kind of feel like...so many other people out there are so much better than me that I don't stand a chance against anything. It's so negative, I know...I just feel that way. Then I get frustrated and annoyed with myself by thinking these things. Why? What is this called?

Why does it feel like I'm a rat running around in a maze? It's like I'm going back and forth between stress and negativity to everything else. It's not that I'm not happy...it's just my thoughts and feelings are being affected by everything. Am I seriously that sensitive? That one little thing can just kill me and keep killing me over and over again?

Even in a sea of people, you can still feel all alone.

Someone tell me why I'm crying. I'm confused. I don't know what I'm feeling, how I'm feeling, or even why. There's this...hurting in my chest...literally. And after that sharp jab, it spreads, all the way up to my eyes and then the blood from the impact leaks out. Why?

I feel like I'm fighting some sort of internal battle. I'm losing it...I feel like I'm screaming for help but no one can hear me. And those who do just look and out of sympathy, they say, "It'll be okay." Before they leave and I'm still falling...

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You
Hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
and You've told me who I am
I am Yours

Guess I kinda feel better after thinking about that...blehhh. Stummy starting to hurt again.
...I just snapped at Peter...why did I do that...am I upset with him?
I think it's more of...just...jealousy...I want to be in college too...or maybe why is he telling me to sleep earlier...he's been sleeping later than I have been...he needs to take care of himself before taking care of me. Or maybe something else...like what happened last time is repeating itself...but I mean, it's not like I can expect him to be like...there 24/7...I don't know. I don't even know where this thought is going.

God, help me...I need You as my firm foundation, and I need someone with skin on to help me stand up...

Fail.

2010-09-30T21:38:00.000-04:00

I give up on the 30 day thing...not keeping up with it enough x.x with school work, SATs, and college apps, this is killing me.

Why am I such a loser?

Lately, there's been a lot of problems...friends and their families, relationships, college, stress, frustrations...sister's operation on her eye tomorrow x.x please pray for her. And pray for the stress that seniors are going through...and college apps...and just to have faith in God.

I don't know if it's just me, but these past few days...I feel like...alone. Like...I'm being put off of everything. I know that I'm not so important that the world revolves around me, but I guess I kind of feel...forgotten? Ditched? Not worth it? I don't know. Left by myself, I guess...
I want to tell someone...even to people who I know care, when they ask...I'm not sure how to get the words out of my mouth or write them down. I want to tell them, and I know what they're going to say...but...I feel like a dried-up tap that no water's coming from. I can't get seem to tell anyone. Why is that?
Or sometimes, I just don't want to be annoying and be all, "OML NO ONE'S PAYING ATTENTION TO ME" because that's just...I mean, I would understand it if a friend said that to me in the proper tone, but imagining myself saying that just sounds...conceited and extremely prissy. Maybe I don't want to say anything to make anyone go, "Awww, no you're not~" out of sympathy. Or be a burden to them and make them think that I HAVE to talk to them like, every second of the day. I don't know x.x I'm just...hurting...

I've been so busy I feel like I've been neglecting God. And in a way, I'm dying because of that. I need to get back to Him...I'm trying, I'm trying.
Then, there's friends. I guess...people I talk to are like...they're in another stage of life now, I guess. It kinda feels like...there's a barrier, you know? Like...they're out experiencing and seeing stuff and I'm stuck back here, senior year of high school...like I'm missing out on their lives...like...they're moving on without me. Sometimes, I wonder if that will cause there to be a huge gap between us...that I'll miss out on so much of their lives that we can't ever come back together and fit like two puzzle pieces again. And then that brings the hurt, and sometimes, even the tears.

Is it normal of me to be missing them that much? I don't even see them that often...and I don't know what's going to happen. I just know that...whatever happens...I need to rely on God. That His grace will be enough for me...
It's just hard sometimes. But I WILL try.

Someone save me...

30 Day Challenge; Day 3

2010-09-13T15:51:00.000-04:00

Oh FAILLLLL.

Day 03 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

I am completely against alcohol and drugs. Except for, you know, legal drugs. Alcohol...I don't like it. I don't like any of it...the smell, the effects...ughhh. Completely against it. Unless it's like...for formal drinks. Just a couple of sips or so, but not like, casual drinking. That's just...retarded.
Drugs, I mean...legal drugs are perfectly fine. Other than that...no. NO.

30 Day Challenge; Day 2

2010-09-10T23:01:00.000-04:00

Day 02 → Where you’d like to be in 10 years.

In 10 years, I'd be 26 =p hopefully married, finished with grad school (aka Master's degree), have a good job that I enjoy doing and can make money from, and starting to think about having a kid =)

30 Day Challenge; Day 1

2010-09-09T23:48:00.000-04:00

Day 01 → Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.

My current relationship...

I am currently in a relationship with someone named Peter Lin, and I hope that it'll be the last relationship I'll be in before getting married =)
Mmm...what to say about it...in general, it's great. But I mean, who doesn't have fights or arguments or disagreements once in a while? It's good when 2 people can resolve it the right way and not let it break them apart. We need to trust God to keep us together and hold onto each other for another 8 years or so...God willing...we can literally spend the rest of our lives together =)

30 Day Challenge; stolen from Dawn

2010-09-08T20:10:00.000-04:00

Day 01 → Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
Day 02 → Where you’d like to be in 10 years.
Day 03 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 04 → Your views on religion.
Day 05 → A time you thought about ending your own life.
Day 06 → Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 07 → Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
Day 08 → A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
Day 09 → How you hope your future will be like.
Day 10 → Discuss your first love and first kiss.
Day 11 → Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.
Day 12 → Bullet your whole day.
Day 13 → Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.
Day 14 → Your earliest memory.
Day 15 → Your favorite tumblrs.
Day 16 → Your views on mainstream music.
Day 17 → Your highs and lows of this past year.
Day 18 → Your beliefs.
Day 19 → Disrespecting your parents.
Day 20 → How important you think education is.
Day 21 → One of your favorite shows.
Day 22 → How have you changed in the past 2 years?
~~Day 23 → Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous who you find attractive.~~
Day 24 → Your favorite movie and what it’s about.
Day 25 → Someone who fascinates you and why.
Day 26 → What kind of person attracts you.
Day 27 → A problem that you have had.
Day 28 → Something that you miss.
Day 29 → Goals for the next 30 days.
Day 30 → Your highs and lows of this month.

Fondue: stardust-sea.livejournal.com ----> get one and check it out =p

Blogsplat II

2010-09-01T23:52:00.001-04:00

It is September 1, 2010, 11:52 PM, EST.

---

Dawn Chow-

You, missy. I miss you =( I went blogstalking just now on your blog...mannnn. I unno. Remembering good old days. Things have changed so much since first meeting you in grade 8 =) Haha. We're seniors this year! (Woopdedoo for college apps and tests, exams, yadda yadda yadda)
-sigh- Man. Good times...thinking about a lot of the things we did together (passing notes in a shattered notebook in Scott's class, me cracking a lame joke and your expression: -.-' , heart-to-hearts, vents, emails, chats, writing, sitting together in CED, basketball, when I discovered what potassium meant while drinking Iso-Tone Ice and sitting across from you at McDonald's after practice, playing ball with you and the guys, singing with you at talent show, Transformers 2 with you, Jo, Ian, Sam, and Sam's bro...) man, that's a lot of stuff =p and so much more I haven't mentioned.
I wish I could spend senior year with you guys and just have fun like we used to =) But I know that we won't be able to and the most I can do is to get back to HK in time to see you graduate =)
I also know that I can't go back in time =\ but can always treasure the memories we've made. The last message you wrote me in my 2008-09 yearbook told me not to cry as I went through the gates, to be proud of the memories I've made. I am proud =) Thank you for being an encouragement and a friend through all these years. We made it past half a decade, and we're going to make it past a lot more decades =] Just this past year made us change so much, and yet, we're still changing. No matter what life throws at us, we have God =) and you have me to fall back on. I love you sister! =)

Sahara Gurung-

I hope you feel special that you're before Fondue xD like you always tell me, haha. BFFs =)
Man...we've been best friends since 6th grade =) it's hard to believe...I don't even remember how we became friends anyway. You were nice to me when I first moved back? Haha, I don't remember anymore. But we sure did a lot of wild things in HK...no matter if it was hanging out in Festi all the time, ice skating, going to MK, singing K, hanging out Friday nights, going to your house after school, the time I borrowed a shirt for Spiritual Emphasis retreat because I forgot it was free dress day, going out to TST, SPENDING FOUR HOURS IN HMV STALKING A RANDOM GUY ON THE STREET YOU LIKED...ohhh and let's not forget that time we spent an hour on the ferry going to Cheung Chau and an hour going back to Victoria harbor hahahaha =)
6 years. Best friends for 6 years.
I almost can't believe it.
Through all the jokes, the phone calls, the EVERYTHINGS, we've made it through togedaaaaas as BFFs! And like it says in the acronym, best friends forever =) FOREVERRRR, YOU HEAR ME, WOMAN??? Don't you stop being my best friend...I missed having you to talk to after I moved here =\ but yayyy we're still talking and still just as close. Thank you =) For everything. For making me laugh and making my days. Hahahaha =) much love.

Peter Lin-

Peter Fondue Lin. What to say...
You've been a huge part of my life for 7 months...and for the past 7 months, thank you for being my best friend and my confidant. Thank you for everything you've done for me; for all the phone calls at crazy hours in the morning, texts in class, chats online, and just for simply being there for me to hold =) Thank you for holding onto me as well...even though we've been in our own share of drama -.-' and for sticking by me even through bad times.
You're one of the people who's seen almost all of the different faces of me, and you still accept me for who I am. Thank you =)

Even though we have rough times and arguments and everything (who doesn't?), we still manage to resolve that and hang onto each other ^^ everyone gets into disagreements sometimes, but its what happens after that that counts. Remember everything we said about the future? Still wanting them to happen.

Together forever? =) FYs. I love you =*

Faith Park-

FAITHY SONGYEE PARKIEEEEEEEE! MY ANGST TWIN!!! WAT FTW!!!!

RandomrandomrandomKoreanKpopSHINeeB2STwinglinangstangstangstangstangstwritingpianopianopiano ahhhhhhhh

We still haven't met in person yet T_T and we're both not allowed to go out of state for college (didn't we say we were going to meet up halfway? xD) T_T

sucks.

But anywayyyy.

Thank you...for being an encouragement. And for being my angst twin and loving angst like me like no one else :] and for teaching me Korean! Haha. Remember to get rich and pay for my bills =)

JUST KIDDING! I'm not THAT mean...(O.o maybe...) but yeah. Music composition =) I'm doing linguistics/middle/high school education -.-' WE HAVE TO MEET UP SOMEDAY! We're not that far away from each other =) just a few hours plane ride...(stupid time zones). LET'S DO DIS =)

Jacob Kuo-

Hey buddy =) It's been great having you as my son for the past...ohhh few months? Haha, I still remember the day I first met you...you were playing basketball in a pink (YESSS I REMEMBER) t-shirt when I told Wai Wai I wanted to play ball and she told me your name...for a while, I thought your name was Charles (I have no idea why). But I'm glad we got to be bball buddies and we got closer =) Thanks for talking to me and listening to me rant too, hahaha ^^
I know things have been hard for you lately =\ but I talked to you last night...I know you don't like it, but patience is important. I'm trying to learn that too =) Let's do it. You'll be fine...you'll be safe in His arms, remember?

Praisee Wu-

Praisee Wu, cards galore, nerts all dayyyy, never get boredddd!
Haha, so catchy =p
Meh. The past few months have been fun =) and it's been fun getting to know you through church, YG, and Arizona...ahaha, that was a great week =)
It's also been fun being your "mom"...haha, it made me happy.
-sigh-
Maybe it's just me, but yeah, after that thing about Core Team Retreat, it's been kinda...iffy, I guess. I'm sorry if I did anything to make you like...I don't know. However you're feeling? I didn't mean to do whatever I did, though. I still love you =) And if there's ever anything...you can always come talk to me =) I love you Praisee ^^

Phillip Lin-

Phlippy dude!
Thanks for being my accountability buddy and for always checking up on my sleep schedule =) Even though I have no idea why you're still awake too, but thank you anyway =)
I'm really glad we started talking last year, because you're a great friend for listening to me and always offering opinions/advice. In some ways, you really remind me of my friend Kenny =p somewhat same kind of attitude towards life and other things. It's always interesting to hear your thoughts on something because I know it'll surprise me, even on topics that I'm stingy around.
Anyway...thanks for always talking with me and for sharing stuff =) It's really encouraging to me, even if you didn't know it (you're not supposed to, that's why I'm blogsplatting it so you'll know =p) It's been great...sharing stories and opinions and everything. Thank you ^^

Kenny Yu-

Hey, Blue =) Hahaha, still calling you that after all these years. What to say...you're one of my funniest friends, but also one of the most sensible ones and it's been great talking to you again. Being able to talk with you is fun =) thanks for keeping my head cool and teaching me some new stuff before I get into college, hahaha. Go back to HK next year! We could have a huge CAIS reunion x) That'd be...fun... o.o to a certain extent, haha.
For all the questions that you've given me and different ways of thinking you introduced me to and your openness, thank you. I learned stuff from you =)

ChristinaSushiTempuraJapanesefood :], Gee, Phuong, Darkess, Ana, Jae, Jaellie unnie, Yuri unnie, AeRi unnie, Naomi unnie, sorry I haven't been keeping up with you guys =\ been busy lately. We should plan a huge reunion one day =)

---

It is September 2, 2010, 4:58 PM, EST.

Blogsplat.

2010-08-12T20:45:00.000-04:00

CHRISTINA XU TIAN GE, I LOVE YOUUU!!!

=)

I hope that made you smile =) If it didn't, tell me and I'll go drink a cup of choco milk and try again =)
But anyway...
don't be so down la~ 事情已經過了這麽久...是時間要擡起頭了嘛~ 事情是沒有你想象這麽難的! 你自己説是難就當然會很難嘛. 要勇敢面對未來, 因爲我知道會更美好. 你相信我嗎? =)

加油 =)

-----

Fondue, it's your second day of band camp and I'm missing you already -.-'
FAIL.
So...you finish on the 17th...then start classes the next day.
-sigh-
-sniff sniff-

YOU'RE GROWING UP! -melodramatic sobbing-

jkjkjk =) work hard in college! ...You ARE going to..right...? O.o haha ;)
And keep your eyes off drugs, drinks, and girls >=( remember what I said last night? College people are at the prime of their lives...they're going to be tall and beautiful and everything else high schoolers (-cough cough-) aren't. So.

...yeah. xD I LOVE YOU!

-----

SAAAAAAHARA :] second blogsplat to you!

I talk to you every day now and IT MAKES ME MISS HANGING OUT WITH YOU IN HONG KONG SO MUCH.
I wanna visit and hang out with you againnnnn
Stupid Neway making Greenbox close. NO, I DON'T CARE, IT'S ALL NEWAY'S FAULT!

I lava yoohs :]

-----

DAWN DAWN =)

Hope things are going well for you right now...keep your head upppp.
I'm hungry.
TALK TO YOU MORE ON GMAILLLLLL :]

I lava yoohs tooo :]

-----

FAAAAAAAAAAAITHY FAAAAAAAAAAAAAITHY WHO'S ALWAYS AWAAAAAAAAAAAY ON AIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

WTF FTW :]

<3

So. It is 12:27 AM, and AGAIN, I am updating.

2010-08-11T00:26:00.000-04:00

Why, you ask?

sahara says:
BECAUSE FONDUE ASKED U TO.
*GASP IN HORROR!*
[.:.madmadmadi : luminixamiqueYunni.:.] says:
= =
I got lazy
sahara says:
AGAIN FOR FONDUE!
WHERE'S MY BLOG POST?!!!!!
not fair!

...because my awesomest bestest friend ever got jealous of my amazing boyfriend's post so she decided to voice her opinions and speak up for herself =) I LAVA YOOH!!!!

-sigh- So much happened today...got yelled at 3 times for the same things by my dad. AND my mom. While she was at work. Ugh...
Hung out with Jacob, Amber, Peter, Michael, Wendy, and PK today =) It was a LOT of fun. Went to lunch with Jake and Amber at Cary Towne, then headed over to his house until Peter got here...hung out, then Wendy and Michael came =p they played Bang! then Peter had to take Michael to band camp at GH =p suckssss :]

I got to go with him =) then went to his house to get a basketball...spent some time there. Um...so...he's leaving for State tomorrow...because of marching band...
I knew him going to college was coming soon. And we both cried over this before. But I cried. Again. Today. Twice. Because of that.

I don't want him to go.

It's selfish and immature of me, but I don't want him to go. It's like...ripping away half of yourself. It hurts. And even though I get to see him like, twice a week after school starts...it's not the same =\
I remember Abby telling me, "Think back when you were 5. 10 years later, you are going to be as different from today as you were when you were 5 years old. You and Peter can change together."
Hopefully. Because honestly, I DO want to spend the rest of my life with him. >.<

Peter Fondue Lin. I love you.

AND SAHARADESERTGIRL, I LOVE YOU TOO =)

------- after reading... ---------

[.:.madmadmadi : luminixamiqueYunni.:.] says:
HAHAH
YESSS
anyway
I'M DONE UPDATING
anddddd
skip the middle and read the beginning and end
:]
sahara says:
geez. my eyes are gonna bleed frm the lovin'
[.:.madmadmadi : luminixamiqueYunni.:.] says:
if you so wish, hahaha
sorryyyyy :]
sahara says:
who reads like that. oh affectionate junk in-between?
[.:.madmadmadi : luminixamiqueYunni.:.] says:
hahahaha
xd
you don't
xD
sahara says:
YEAAHHH. IM IN CAPS! TAKE THAT FONDUE! : )
[.:.madmadmadi : luminixamiqueYunni.:.] says:
HAHAHAH

Updateeee

2010-08-10T01:10:00.000-04:00

So. It is about 1am, and here I am, updating my blog from my iTouch because Fondue asked me to.

lately...there's been a lot going on..a lot o drama and issues with relationships and stuff. There's been a lot of unnecessary drama with my friends, and problems with Fondue. I mean, okay, who doesn't have problems and which couple doesn't get into fights and disagreements? Even so, it sucks when things like this happen...I hate disagreeing with him =\
then my friends seem to have a lot of relationship dramas too =( not good.

I've been so tired it's crazy. And I have a lot of work to do...summer assignments, sister's homework, taking care if siblings, SATs 3 house a day...

However, just came back from a great youthgroup core team retreat =) tell you guys later.

I'm an aegyo...QUEENNNNNNNN!!! YAAAAYYYY!!! WATFTW :3

2010-07-21T20:05:00.000-04:00

faycieface: Hey. We haven't talked in forever. D<

7:58 PM me: HEY FAITHY

sorry

7:59 PM I was showering

-.-'

AND IWAS THINKING ABOUT YOU WHEN I WAS IN ATLANTA!

faycieface: LOL. It's all good.

ATLANTA. 0.0 RANDOM MUCH LOL

me: hwutuppppppp

LOL

yeah

That's what I thought

faycieface: XDDDDD I are trying to write a new somg

*song.

8:00 PM me: xD

Song's trying to write a new song

xDDD

faycieface: ....

Lameeee

LOL

8:02 PM me: x)

BUTCHU LOBS MEEEEE

...wight?

o.o

~~stares at Faith with big eyes~~

8:03 PM faycieface: ROFL

Psh. Why would I love you?

me: xD

faycieface: LOL. Yunni you are an aegyo QUEEN

8:04 PM me: O.o

LOL

how so?

haha

faycieface: "sowwieeee" "wight" "*stares with big eyes*"

me: xDDD

faycieface: You've passed the aegyo princess level

8:05 PM me: =D

faycieface: You're an aegyo QUEEN now

LOLOL

me: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'mma update my...

BLOG

just for this

faycieface: ROFLRFLROFL

So lady

Spazzed over anything lately?

me: xD

uhhh

how I hate Key's hair in Lucifer

=.=

8:06 PM faycieface: I KNOWWW

me: and how adorable Peter is

and how like

faycieface: -.-"

me: UGHHHH TAEMIN'S HAIR IS TOO LONG

ONEW'S HAIR SUCKS WHEN PARTED IN THE MIDDLE

faycieface: ROFLROFLROFL

me: JONGHYUN HAS BECOME LIKE, SHINEE'S STRIPPER. LIKE JOON IN MBLAQ.

except Joon has more muscles :]

faycieface: SHDJSNDJKDJSBCM

AHAHAHAHAHAHAAH

me: uhhh

MINHO...

nothing much to say about him

WAIT

HE SANG

faycieface: LOOOOOOOOL

8:07 PM WAT FTW MAN

me: xDDD

WATFTW!

faycieface: You had the SAME EXACT thoughts as I did

me: was that what you were thinking too?

OH YESSSSSSSS

PUHAHAHA

faycieface: LOOOOL

me: WE STILL GOTS IT :]

faycieface: YUH

me: xD

FAITHY GUESS WHAT

8:08 PM faycieface: So how's it with Peter?

WHAT

me: I'M A VOLCANO =D

and great

just hung out with him today

faycieface: Uhhhhhhh

me: BWAHAHA

faycieface: dot dot dot

me: WANNA KNOW WHY?

=DDD

faycieface: YOU'RE HOT

me: NOPE!

good one, though

faycieface: YES

LOL

me: REALLY good one, haha

BECAUSE

I LAVA YOOHS!

8:09 PM faycieface: ...

me: ...

faycieface: smack

me: ~~stares~~

faycieface: LOL

me: owwie.

faycieface: x3333333

I LOBS YOOH FAITHY!!! =D

July 5, 2010

2010-07-06T20:55:00.000-04:00

YES, I KNOW IT'S JULY 6TH ALREADY.

But still. This post is...dedicated...to my one and only =)

Happy Birthday, Fondue.

-sigh-

I can't believe you're 18 now...now I can't say anything when someone calls you a man -.-' drat.
Oh wells.
Happy birthday, honey =)
Um...first things first...I have to apologize...>.< For the fact that...we had an argument before/during/after your birthday...and I feel horrible about it...you're supposed to be happy you're turning 18 and...this happened.
I also apologize for missing 12:14 on your birthday =(
I'll make it up to you =) remember what I said? I'll make up your birthday present when you get back and we get 5 straight days together.

I can't wait to see you =)

I LOVE YOU!

-----

Back home from Arizona! AZ was great...it was eye opening and a wonderful experience. I got to know my friends better, and I saw...exactly the reason why we have to come out here year after year. If the church decides to stop it, I know some of us in the team will put up a fight to keep it going on. Eye opening...and heart breaking at the same time. Maybe I'll write more about it after I decompress from the trip =)

18 Days.

2010-06-24T08:50:00.000-04:00

Wow. 18. Down to 18.

-sigh-

This is the last day I can update my blog until I come back from Arizona and wake up on the 6th of July...right after Fondue's birthday =p

I couldn't sleep last night...it was so weird. I ended up attempting at about 4:30 and woke up this morning at 7:55.
What a fail.

Honestly, I'm kinda tired. But other than that, I feel just fine. Blah.

Packing today and leaving the house at about 4 AM tomorrow morning.

Fondue, stay safe, take care of yourself, and get better. Praying for you guys.

And hopefully, everyone else will keep the Arizona missions team in their prayers too as we head out =) Much appreciated.

19 Days.

2010-06-23T17:57:00.000-04:00

Sooooo, it's almost 6 pm...didn't get to update this morning =\

Went to bed at 2 last night after gaming and reading...I read until I realized that I couldn't focus on the words and then lights off. Haha.

Woken up violently this morning by my parents...I can't believe they woke up earlier than me for once. We went to Smithfield this morning and spent the morning and afternoon there. I got a bunch of stuff; wish I could have gotten more stuff from Nike, but mommy and daddy said no. I love Nike -.-'

Um...I got to drive...like...twice today...xD Haha. Erm...went home from Smithfield and stopped by Dick's to get pants and also went to Grand Asia...yummm bubble tea =]
I saw...uh...Ms. OppositeOfSapphire there with her mom. KE wasn't there though =p

Went to pick up brother, then went home =p here I am, blogging...haha =)

-sigh-

Two more days to Arizona, and nineteen until Crossroads.

I hungwie. :]

20 Days.

2010-06-22T11:57:00.000-04:00

WE GOT A NEW PIANO YESTERDAY!!!!!!! HOOORAYYYYY!!

Digital though =p Yamaha Arius...it's not bad =) I LOOOOOVE IT!

So...I skipped dinner last night because I had a huge salad at like, 5 and I couldn't eat after that. Then I computer-ed and gamed the night away...it was like...I felt so dead last night it was scary. Like...detached.

Went to bed at 1 something...so tired =\ I've been feeling really tired lately...someone on Sunday said I looked exhausted and when I looked into the mirror this morning, yeah. Panda eyes and a completely tired expression -.-'

Hmmm. This morning, woke up, brushed, changed, ate. Watched movie with daddy&sister, then started building piano while texting/emailing Fondue.

MY BABY IS SICK. Again. -.-' I gave him a whole rant about getting sick...hahaha.

Today...don't know what I'm doing today except for bball =p

FONDUE. Feel better and take care of yourself, okay? I love you =*

21 Days.

2010-06-21T08:42:00.001-04:00

Yayyyyy only 21 more days to go =) Exciteddddd.

Blahs. So last night, Chey's family minus Chey came over to my house, and so did my cousin LilShortV and her boyfriend. We BBQ-ed x) I spent most of the time gaming in my mom's room...and then I ate so much meat I got REALLY fat -.-' geez.

-sigh-

I was gaming after they left too, and my 12:15, I was so tired I don't know why I kept gaming. As soon as I closed my eyes, I drifted off for a few seconds before snapping back. I don't get it...I'm usually not tired like this. And usually, I wake up automatically after 7 hours or so of sleep. But now, I'm still...tired...after I wake up.

This sucks.

Going to see Toy Story 3 with Arizona team today =) I hope our daughter can go...her mom's been having issues lately so dunno =\

Fondue. Four more days until you get back to Taiwan. Fourteen until we talk. Twenty one until we see each other.
Keeping the faith<3

22 Days.

2010-06-20T13:35:00.000-04:00

Yayyy almost to 20 ^^ can't waiiiiittttt.

Went to pot luck yesterday...didn't do much. Just played piano and hung out a little with Wai Wai.

I was going home when memories came up. Fondue, I missed you and I smiled =)

So. Last night, I watched Ye Wen II with uncle, mommy, and daddy. It was bloody, violent, cruel, and inhumane- I don't mind the blood and gore and violence, but the cruelness and inhumanity of the people in the movie really bugged me and made it horrible. I almost cried >.<

Then this morning, mommy woke me up because we had to be at church earlier today. Ummm...went to church. Had a good first session, then second session...I saw our daughter =) sat with her and, uh...Ms. CitynextoRaleigh =p talked with Ms. MoriaAngelaDarling and...generally had a good time. Today's Father's Day...mommy bought a present, and I made a card that Kelly and Gabie decorated. Just gave it to him =)

Going out to go shopping for Arizona stuff later...and getting a shot later =\

Fondue. 22 more days.

23 Days.

2010-06-19T09:53:00.000-04:00

YEHAYYYY 23 days left to go until I see him :] happyyyyy =) almost down to the 10's!!

Blehhh. So, yesterday...went over to Little Mermaid's house for lunch and watched Sakura and reread Breaking Dawn. Didn't even touch Zelda -.-'
But the up side is, Mr. Fondue got online and texted me from gmail =)

oh, and...

TO MY DEAR SON JKUO, HAPPY BIRTHDAY =) You're (finally) 15! Same age as me (-.-') but I hope you have a great, God-blessed year =)

umm...went to the pool after that, and then showered and they came over to my house for dinner =p we watched Spirited Away...again..hahaha, I like that movie a lot. Then, they left and parents came home from eating at Waraji for celebrating mommy's birthday. I started gaming Kingdom Hearts II (again, because I never got the chance to finish it), and then gamed until like...1 something.

At 12:14, I stared up at the clock on the wall during a cut scene and I wished that Fondue could hear me when I said, "I love you."

-sigh-

Well, today...my little sibs are going to Trystn (next door neighbor)'s birthday party. After that, going to church for some Canto thing and pot luck.
T_T last time pot luck, Fondue and Punk were there...T_T oh great.

Blahh. Fondue.
I love you =)

24 Days.

2010-06-18T09:56:00.000-04:00

Todayyyyy...only 24 days left until I see him =) so exciteddd hahaha.

This morning. Woke up and my dad ambushed me...last night, mommy and I picked him up from the airport and went home to the "surprise" party we (aunt, other aunt, cousins, and uncle) planned for my mom =p hahaha. The cake I made was like...frozen...so the density and everything changed and it sucked -.-'
We had mango sago though =) good stuff.

Ummm...after they left our house, I watched Princess Mononoke...finished up what I didn't watch in Chris's house when we watched it in late January. Haha. I LOVED THAT MOVIE. Except the guy and the girl don't really end up together...which was sad because they were SO CUTE TOGETHERRRRR.
I swear, Ghibli studios never put any of the couples together. And even if they do, it's so, like...ambiguous so you never know what happens to their relationship.

So I went to bed at 12:45 after brushing teeth and praying cause I already showered after swimming :]

This morning, my dad woke me up and ambushed me with my little sister with summer plans. Not...bad. I'm just going to have a really busy summer, that's all -.-'
So he wants us to write a song. Make that two songs. I can't even play the piano right, how can I write a song? -.-'

Now...off to take pictures and brush teeth and change and stuff. Then going over to Little Mermaid's house for movie day and hangout since she's going on missions tomorrow.

FONDUE.
It's in the low 20's now. I can't wait to see you =)
I love you =*

25 Days.

2010-06-17T19:20:00.000-04:00

Today was really busy...>.< kinda tired already. Haha. Not really, but still.

Hmm...so I went to bed at 11 last night because I felt really dizzy from staring at the computer screen...it was horrible >.< Woke up at like...7:30...and then I used the comp a bit again to work on the card for daddy. Geez. My head spun like crazy. Then...at like...9...went over to Little Mermaid's to force her to get up because she promised to help me take a picture and get stuff for my mommy's cake because it's her birthday today.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOMMY<3 =) I LOVE YOU!

First time making cake FROM SCRATCH. It wasn't that bad...just...it was too thin the first time (because the cake had two layers) so it ripped when Auntie and I tried to get it off...so I had to redo the WHOLE THING...and we didn't have enough eggs so Batman's Partner and I ran down to Harris Teeter to get more =p

I can say I am officially broke. -.-'

So yeah...baked the cake, did the icing and everything, and it's in the fridge for eating it after daddy gets home.

YAYYYY MY DADDY GETS HOME TONIGHT! =D So happyyyy.

Now. Just waiting for one more person to come back until my life is complete.

-ahem-

Fondue.
I'm still waiting for you to come back =) I miss you.
I LOVE YOU.

26 Days.

2010-06-16T10:12:00.000-04:00

Blahhh. I woke up so late this morning >.<>.<

Well, yesterday was Tuesday...I went to bball that night after resolving stuff with my mom. Um...it was...really...empty...for lack of words. It WAS empty =( I felt like...it as bball and it was fun, but still. I felt something was missing =\ And Mendel hurt his leg and wrist even before playing, so it was...blehh.

Last night, I talked to Arlene...or rather, she talked to me and cheered me up because she thought I sounded sad, hahaha. I love youuuu =)

-sigh-

Don't be afraid
Afraid to fall
You know I'll catch you through it all

You can't keep us apart (Even a thousand miles can't keep us apart)
Cause my heart is (Cause my heart is) wherever you are

It's like catching lightning, the chances of finding someone like you
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do
And with every step together
We just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance (Can I have this dance)
Can I have this dance

No mountain's too high, no ocean's too wide
Cause together or not
Our dance won't stop
Let it rain
Let it pour
What we have is worth fighting for
You know I believe
That we were meant to be...

>.<

Fondue. I miss you. =(

27 Days.

2010-06-15T12:57:00.000-04:00

Oh man.
My mom yelled at me last night...and...all my energy was drained so I fell asleep while curling up on my bed at like...10...
woke up at 12 something and noticed I got messages from JKuo's iPod from Fondue...

They're going to Shanghai. Lucky. Going to eat a lot of 小籠包s =p

Bleh. I miss them.

Woke up at 8-ish, and decided to brush, eat, change, and head out for the daily picture. Got back and talked to our daughter, Jo, Sunrise, and Ian.
-sigh-
It was a rather happy morning.

Well, curiosity killed the cat. Satisfaction did NOT bring it back.

I talked to Sunrise about this...she said I should talk to Fondue after he gets back, and I know I should. And I am. Just sort of...>.< meh.
Thank God for friends like her =) I know you blogstalk me, so I LOB YOOH CHOWIE =)

Haha. I hungwie now. Going to cut nails and going over to Little Mermaid's after lunch to game again.

Fondue.
What to say...I trust you. I really really trust you. And I love you. I REALLY love you. Please remember those two things.

28 Days.

2010-06-14T13:32:00.000-04:00

Today...this morning, I woke up late. Got on the comp, brushed teeth, changed...blahhh.
Talked a while with JKuo and Punk and Sunrise...and Sam and Ian and Jae. Fun =) Then I decided to go out to take the daily picture for Fondue before he got to use the computer. So...it was horrible timing on my part. He got on the computer like 10 minutes before I got home, and then he went out to buy stuff just as I got home -.-'

Yeahhh. Talk about chemistry xD

But yeah...he got back and we talked =) And skyped. From like...11-1 or so =)

He's leaving for China tomorrow...=\ for 10 days. And he won't have internet, so no talking for 10 WHOLE DAYSSSS.
Once again, horrible timing.

The day he gets back to Taiwan is the day I leave for Arizona...for ANOTHER 10 days...T_T ohmannnn -sigh-
This sucks =(

At least I know that when he goes back to Taiwan next year, I'll be in Hong Kong at the same time =) So we'll be in the same time zone and same continent and everything. So that'll be okay.

But seriously, 20 days?! I haven't even tried not talking to him for one before...-.-' This sucksssssssss. And JKuo's going too. So...=\ -sigh-

FON DO.
Stay safe in China =) I'll be praying for you. And I'll be waiting for you back at home. =)
Forever yours.

-----

I went swimming with the Little Mermaid this afternoon, and going to the pool made me think about you a lot =\ she even said I was obsessive because I couldn't stop talking about you.
Oh yeah...and when we were there...there was this couple...making out...and...it was...really awkward...because I knew that kid -.-'

29 Days.

2010-06-13T14:45:00.000-04:00

YES. FINALLY DOWN TO THE 20'S. I CAN'T WAIT.

-sigh-

Church today...oh geez, church today...Sunday school wasn't bad =] my friend (credits to LittlestChiang for name) VVN gave me a hug because she said Fondue told her to give me a hug and tell her that he loves me and that she'd better not forget...
I walked to the main church building with another friend..uh...Leaf, who almost killed me while we were playing Risk last night with some other friends. Talked about college...um...
walked into the Sanctuary and sat where we usually (Fondue and our friends) usually sat...

And it was empty.

-____________________________________________-

I um. Teared up. Chey came over to try to cheer me up...she gave me a hug and everything, and I semi-cried. Then I stopped and LittlestChiang came over to give me a hug =) I LOVE YOUUU. Then, uhhh...Sesame chicken came over and gave me a hug and I semi-cried again >.< geez, I cry a lot.

Blahhhh. Going out soon with mommy =] I GET TO DRIVE, WOOHOO! Haha.

FONDUE.
Come back soon =) 29 MORE DAYS UNTIL I GET TO SEE YOU!!!

-----

I was driving today and Safe came on the radio =)

30 Days.

2010-06-12T11:47:00.000-04:00

He should be landing in Taiwan in about 10 minutes.

-sigh-

I was texting Amber...and...it feels kinda weird...texting her and all the while never getting a text from him or texting him at all...

Blahhh.

Last night was a good night at YG =) Kind of...empty, though. A lot of people weren't there, and I miss a lot of people =( In fact, LittlestChiang and I had a rather depressing time...HUGGGGGGGGGGGING each other while our men are away.
Men. Going away and leaving us here.
=(

FONDUEEEE I MISS YOU. I wish I was in Asia right now too, but I have other things to take care of back home. So.

F TO THE O TO THE-
just kidding =)

-ahem- Mr. Fondue. Due to the circumstances that we are apart at the moment, I shall be waiting -patiently- for you back home. And you'd better come back soon before I hijack a plane to Taiwan ;)

-----

Fail. He's at home in Taiwan already.

31 Days

2010-06-11T10:26:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I miscounted 31 for 30.

-sigh-

Mr. Fondue is going to be gone for 31 days including today...it's depressing, really. I'm on the phone AND talking to him on Gmail right now.
He's in New York, and going to be there for 2 hours while waiting for the flight to Taiwan.

And he's trying to give me his address in Taiwan and failing. xD
Haha. I love you baby.

Yayyy I got his address. His sister typed it up =) Now I can stalk him on Google Earth xD
jkjk

Blahhhh. Fail all-nighter ;p

30 Days.

2010-06-08T21:58:00.000-04:00

So, summer vacay is coming up. One more exam left and then I'M A SENIOR =) can't wait. Haha, so exciteddddd.

-sigh-

This summer is going to SUCK. Partially.
I mean, there are a ton of good stuff happening: daddy's coming back, I'm going to Arizona for a short missions trip, and Crossroads camp with my Youth Group. It's going to be great.

The major THIS-IS-GOING-TO-SUCK part is Fondue is leaving...for...30 DAYS...T_T oh nos. What will I do without him.
-.-'
I hope you guys realize that was sarcasm.

It's just; 30 days...30 days without him here, and then after that...like...a month to hang out before he goes off to college and I won't see him except on some weekends T_T

I'm going to miss him. A lot. >.<

Safe

2010-04-17T17:48:00.000-04:00

I once had the experience of losing my best friend. It wasn't like I knew it was going to happen...it just did. One day at school, she stopped talking to me. She didn't reply to my texts or emails or anything.

I was fortunate to have this friend back again, closer than ever. We got to know each other more and how to prevent things like this from happening again. But that didn't mean the pain of losing her was gone. It was hard for me; I cried for about two hours one night after our last conversation until two months later. Now, I realize that God has given me hope, and I want to share that with someone who's just lost her friend. I don't know her personally and I don't know what's going on AND I know she probably won't ever read this, but I want to tell her that things are going to be okay.

---

[To the one who's dreams are falling all apart]
[And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart]

She was tired. Looking ahead at the track, the distance she still needed to run, she bent down and rested her palms on her knees as she tried to even out her breathing. Again, she raised her head to look towards the finish line that loomed in front of her still some distance away.

Blowing out a quick breath, she straightened up and started running again, keeping her eyes on her goal.

[I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own]
[But you're not all alone]

As she ran, her eyes fell from the race's end and looked instead at the ground under her moving legs. She strained, struggled to take oxygen into her needy lungs. Her tired arms and sore legs moved on their own accord, screaming at the pain they felt. She almost gave in, wanting to stop.

[Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas]
[Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet]
[With a love so strong He'll never let you go]
[Oh you're not alone]

Every time she looked around her, there was no one. The land was barren save for her running hard to get to the finish line. There was no one watching her, no one waiting for her, no one cheering her on to complete her race. She was utterly alone.

[You will be safe in His arms]
[You will be safe in His arms]
['Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart]

She was on the verge of giving up. There was no motivation for her to run further, nothing to encourage her to finish the run she had started.

[This is the promise He made]
[He will be with you always]
[When everything is falling apart]

Her stride was broken as she tripped over an unseen rock in the near-darkness in her path. Falling down, her knees skidded onto the cold, hard ground. Her hands broke part of her fall, but she ended up lying down, heavily panting on the deserted road. The view of the ground blurred as something hot trickled down her cheeks.

[You will be safe in His arms]

A pair of arms came around her as she was crying, sobbing on the ground. Looking up, a familiar, warm face smiled back at her as she was placed back onto her feet.

"Daddy," the little girl whispered softly as she sniffed and wiped her own tears away.

There were no arms to lift her up now. Instead, a warm breeze blew through, drying her tears up. It seemed to push her forward, threatening to blow her away if she did not run in the direction it beckoned her to. Regaining part of her strength, she stood up and continued at a slow jog.

[Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life]
[Is the very same voice that calls you to rise]
[So hear Him now He's calling you home]
[You will never be alone]

The wind blew gently in her ear, as if whispering to her as she ran down the road.

[You will be safe in His arms]
[You will be safe in His arms]
['Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart]

As she ran, she felt a spark ignite somewhere deep inside her. A light was lit in the darkness, trying to find its way out.

[This is the promise He made]
[He will be with you always]
[When everything is falling apart]
[You will be safe in His arms]

Slow confidence came with the longer strides she took as she covered more distance. The small spark of fire burned just a little brighter, expelling the darkness.

[These are the hands that built the mountains, the hands that calm the seas]
[These are the arms that hold the heavens]
[They are holding you and me]

Now, the warm winds were blowing harder, pushing her towards the finish line. She could see rocks and boulders in her path of travel, but the flame now roared inside of her, the light filling her eyes and allowing her to see. Her eyebrows furrowed in determination as the wind practically picked her up and carried her as she leapt over the tall rocks, not one of them touching her feet.

Just a few feet further, the veil in front of her eyes were lifted. No longer was the land around her deserted, no longer was she alone. People were all around her, cheering her on as she sprinted towards the end of the race. There it was, the finish line.

[These are hands that healed the leper]
[Pulled the lame up to their feet]
[These are the arms that were nailed to a cross to break our chains and set us free]

The cloud of darkness was lifted, and the fire inside of her raged to an almost threatening degree. It burned inside of her heart, urging her on as the wind carried her feet and crossing the finish line. Cheers exploded around her, and from every direction, people she knew and loved ran towards to her envelope her in their arms. Laughter sounded in the air, and as she looked up into the sky, she could see someone smiling down at her.

Her heart leapt with joy, and a radiant smile came from her, responding to the person who looked on her with love. The wind blew again, caressing her arms as if someone was there, holding her tightly.

[You will be safe in His arms]
[You will be safe in His arms]
[The hands that hold the world are holding your heart]
[This is the promise He made]
[He will be with you always]
[When everything is falling apart]

[You will be safe in His arms]

==========================

=======

This story is dedicated to a a girl who I've heard about today. I heard about something she was going through, and this song dominated my thoughts. I could see the connections between this song (Safe, by Phil Wickham) and the harsh realities that leaves us with bleeding wounds. I especially liked the part where it says, "The hands that hold the world are holding your heart; This is the promise He made; He will be with you always; When everything is falling apart; You will be safe in His arms" because it just gives so much hope. Lately, whenever I am in a mood, I would remember the lyrics to this song because it heals me and lifts me up. When I come to terms that God is always watching, protecting, and loving me, everything else just naturally falls into place.

The girl I mentioned probably won't ever read this, but if I could, I want to tell her that everything is going to be okay. There was this quote...one of the ones I live by: Everything ends up okay. If it's not, it's not over yet. Trust in God and the fact that He's always there for you. I don't even know if she's Christian or not, but that doesn't matter...because it's always nice and encouraging to know that someone out there is loving you more than any other person (especially since He's the God of the universe). And when you come to terms with that, you can naturally see the other people who care, the other people who love you and are with you as you run this race =)

As the Deer

2010-04-16T22:37:00.001-04:00

This post...is dedicated to a certain blogstalker of mine (Dawn, I love you sister, but not this one. xD You'll see why)...because this -cough-blogstalker-cough- told me after school today that I haven't updated my blog in a while. Hahaha =p Tonight at Youth Group, I wrote a new story based off of another worship song...

This one sounded weird to me when I reread it because I think my style was too obscure to present this in a clear light, but you'll see what I mean when you read the note at the end.

========================

[As the deer panteth for]
[The water so my soul longeth after Thee]

She walked through the school, books tucked snugly in her arms. Her eyes seemed lifeless, but no one noticed. No one seemed to ask or care.
Inside, she was fighting a losing battle.

'God, where are You...'

[You alone are my heart's desire and I long]
[To worship You]

'Why can't I see You...why can't I find Yout?'

[You alone are my strength, my shield]

Her friend say her approaching.
"Hey!" she greeted.
There was no response.
"Hey!" she tried again. But the girl was already down the hall.

[To You alone may my spirit yield...]
[You alone are my heart's desire and I long to worship You]

At home, her mom waved her hand in her daughter's face during dinner. She called her name, but there was no answer.
She was fighting a hopeless war.
Every day, she walked past the same things - people, lockers, brick walls...her friends and family, her teachers and peers. Yet every day, it was the same.

[You alone are my strength, my shield]
[To You alone may my spirit yield]

Days passed, each much like the one before it. Still, the girl fought to keep holding on, and yet...
As her last battle cry rang out, her dying breath hanging in the air, a bright light filled her soul. Recognizing who it was, she struggled to speak, feeling part of her spirit reviving.

"Jesus..." she whispered. He looked at her, waiting for the words He knew she would say. "Why couldn't I find you? I looked everywhere...I fought so hard...why did you leave me?"

Jesus looked at her, eyes firm but gentle.

"My child, you looked for me but you did not see. I was there the entire time. I watched you. Yet, you did no notice. You walked right past me. Call my name. I will come if you truly believe."

[You alone are my heart's desire and I long to worship You]

==========================

=======

Jesus tells us that everything is possible for him who believes. We just have to believe in Jesus' name and his great sacrifice for us. Believe in God's love. He is with us each step of the way.

So...youth group tonight, Andy wasn't here so Abby and Jerrod were in charge. At first, Abby told us to write down verses or song lyrics that came to mind when we worshiped. I liked to write stories...so this song came into my mind, and I just started to write...in my mind, I pictured me, us, people...walking past Jesus every single day, wondering why he seemed so far away when it was us who didn't notice that we just passed him. We ask ourselves why he's not here for us when he promised, but we fail to realize that it was us who walked right past open arms, waiting to receive us.

Honestly, I kind of felt that way this past week- school has been hard on me, and it's been testing my patience and my faith a lot...in ways, I feel like that girl in the story, but a friend shared with me Mark 9:23 (also because of stress from SATs...no 2000 on SATs, no GHHS prom. T_T) and that really boosted me up. Thank you!

Revamp (update)

2010-03-29T19:48:00.000-04:00

Okay. I think I'm done with revamping. Haha. I'm just too lazy to take care of hiding all the excess posts that people shouldn't see =p but that's okay. Whateverrrr. I'm done fixing up my site =) I made a new link button too! Hahahhaa. :]

Fanfics.

2010-03-29T17:56:00.000-04:00

[fanfiction.net] [ladyknight75822]
Simple and Clean [KH]
Reflections [KH]

[ft. 王子 and 鬼鬼]
紀念品
苦茶

[ft. SHINee]
Romantic -- My Gift to You
Devil May Cry
Everything
PL4YL1ST On Replay

[ft. Lee TaeMin]
River Flows in You
Kiss the Rain
Not Enough Love
Labyrinth
The Awesome T H R E E Show
Because I Know

[ft. Kpop]
DB-SHINee Oneshots
Dragon Treasure
Challenged Love

Revamp!

2010-03-29T15:14:00.000-04:00

So. Firstly, a huge thank-you to Chazzie unnie for the CUTEEE layout featuring Pon and Zi :] I love those two. Soooo cute~

Hahaha. Secondly, my blog is under revamp right now =p I moved a lot of stuff to extra posts and stuff...and still trying to decide what I want to change. So. =p Just saying.

I had school today, and it was supposed to be the first day of Spring Break. I mean, it's just for a snow make-up day, but still. Half the student body wasn't there...it was such a waste of time. Blehhh. Whatever.

So yeah. :] Just giving everyone a heads up and updating my blog (FINALLY, hahaha).

Affies

2010-03-29T15:10:00.006-04:00

Dawn
Sahara
Ian
LittlestChiang
JellyfishLee (1)
JellyfishLee (2)
RevengeoftheswiPhilmer
Faithy Twinnie
JAE of JaeYu
AeRi unnie
Sashimi
NAOz unnie
Darkess
Ana
SK
AnnaSungmin
Pararae
Jaellie unnie
Yuuri unnie
Jisoo
Khlaren
Yeonie
JiIn
Kyra
Mi Young and Ana
Mi Young
lin lin
Teri
cutterpillow
GD-Baby
baboracoon
Infinite-Rapture
Alluring Grace
Luminix
Reverie
Monochrome-Colors
Dorkistic
YesOverYen
Kininap
Applesauce
SMILE.SHINE.LAUGH.LOVE
Yummy-Greedy
Latienza
Shredded Hearts
Silver Candy
Azin Productions
Sweetest Memoirs
Crystal Ideass
BBT
Fahrenheit Fanfics
Star-Lit-Dreams
withlove*
Shredded Memories
Autumn-Scents
CM-Design
Fairy Tale Fantasies

I Will Offer Up My Life

2010-03-16T17:41:00.000-04:00

[I will offer up my life, in spirit and truth]
[Pouring out the oil of love, as my worship to You]
[In surrender I must give every part]
[Lord, receive the sacrifice of a broken heart]

It's been going on for a while now.
Things have changed in just a few short days. Suddenly, she was no longer surrounded by all her friends. Suddenly, they were talking bad about her right in front of her.

Suddenly, she was just no longer there.

No one remembered her.
No one asked for her.
No one noticed.
With every passing day, she felt more invisible and miserable than ever. Her friends never talked to her anymore. At school, the teacher never acknowledged her. They even changed their seating charts and forgot to put her name on the board. Whenever she looked at someone, they shuddered.

However, she knew she was never alone.

Every time she sat down to think, she could see a figure sitting down right next to her, looking at her and smiling.
"Hello, Jesus," she greeted him quietly. He nodded, that gentle smile still on His face as He waited for the words He knew she needed to say, the words it took for her to pour her heart out to Him.

[Jesus, what can I give, what can I bring]
[To so faithful a friend, to so loving a King]
[Savior, what can be said, what can be sung]
[As a praise of Your name, for all You have done]

So that was how she spent her days. Every day, the two of them would sit down in the same spot as she told Him endlessly about her feelings and her thoughts as He listened to her, waiting for the moment to say something back to her.

She told Him of the pain she felt whenever she saw her friends, of the way she looked down at the ground as she walked past them. She told Him of the wrenching feeling in her chest when she talked to her family, but no one seemed to respond. She told Him of watching her mother and father cry every single night, yet never telling her what was wrong. She told Him of the way she was coldly shunned by even her own boyfriend, who had promised to love her. She told Him how he never talked to her anymore, never looked her in the eyes, never held her, never kissed her.

Jesus sat there, listening to her every word, every painful memory she had to tell Him.

[Oh my words could not tell]
[Not even in part]
[Of the debt of love that is owed]
[By this thankful heart]

And at the end of the day, she would always curl up into a tiny ball and wrap her arms around her legs as she laid her head upon Jesus' shoulder, the shoulder given to her to remind her of His love and support.
"You were the only one who never left me," she would always say quietly before falling asleep.

[You deserve my every breath, for You've paid the great cost]
[Giving up Your life to death, even death on a cross]
[You took all my shame away, there defeated my sin]
[There opened up the gates of Heaven, and have beckoned me in]

She would always dream the same dream every night; always the same one. She could see her and her friends, simply hanging out and having fun. She could see her and her boyfriend, talking, laughing, and simply enjoying each others company. She saw memories of her and her family, back when she was still young and the only worry was whether she had fun or not.
Then she would always wake up and face reality, knowing that all these had passed. A bottomless chasm was then felt inside of her heart, making her chest and head hurt from the pain that shot through her.

Jesus never left her once, watching as she was hurting, still holding onto her tightly.

[Jesus, what can I give, what can I bring]
[To so faithful a friend, to so loving a King]
[Savior, what can be said, what can be sung]
[As a praise of Your name, for all You have done]

Many times she would look to her side and smile, knowing that someone was watching over her, protecting her. Jesus walked alongside of her, giving her a smile that seemed to wash all her fears, all her worries, all her pain away.

[Oh my words could not tell]
[Not even in part]
[Of the debt of love that is owed]
[By this thankful heart]

Despite the hurt she felt, she still attended church every Sunday, school on the weekdays, played basketball on Tuesdays, and youth group on Fridays.
There was no difference anywhere. It wasn't until one weekend, when she wearily walked into the sanctuary, expecting to sit with the friends she had always sat with, with the boyfriend who had always been next to her...

A group of people were gathered around something...someone. A quick scan of the area was done and she managed to squeeze her way through to the middle, where she found a girl around her own age...and her boyfriend's arm around her. Excited chatter rang in her ears as she fought to stay conscious, to stay upright. Tears filled her eyes and automatically filed down her cheeks, one by one until they became racing raindrops, each tear mixing with another.

Refusing to believe it, refusing to see the supportive smiles of her friends among the circle, she ran forward with a burst of strength towards the person she had loved...

Only to be met with air.

She went right through, stumbling as she reached the other side. As she looked down, incredulous at her hands, she could still feel the presence of Jesus next to her. There was no longer a smile on His face. Instead, it was covered with tears much like her own.

[What can I give]
[What can I bring]
[What can I sing as an offering, Lord]

And suddenly, the truth hit her. Looking down at her fading hands one last time, she sniffed and looked back up at Jesus' weeping face, knowing that He was weeping for her, knowing that He understood her feelings, her thoughts.

There wasn't a moment's hesitation before she ran straight into His open arms.

[Simply this...]
[I will offer up my life, in spirit and truth]
[Pouring out the oil of love, as my worship to You]
[In surrender I must give every part]
[Lord, receive the sacrifice of a broken heart]

==========================

=======

Bleh. Yeah...I started writing this at like...11:50...
Story behind this is that I had this major sobfest/breakdown at like...10:30...lasted for about...ohhh...half an hour or so >.< guess I just wasn't feel well. And the entire night, I was just listening to this song...I've always really liked the lyrics to it because...it's just so neat how God loves us so much and how much of a friend He is to us, no matter if we feel like He's near or far...whether He's as close to us as He was with that girl in the story or if He seems over the mountains and far away. I'd just like to say that He's here, right next to you and that He loves you...because that's how I made it through the night =)

Last note...in case people don't get the story...the girl was actually dead when the story started...haha. Call me sadistic...I love angst =) I apologize for any like...grammatical/spelling mistakes I might have made...>.< I'm really tired and it's like...12:30 right now. Haha. And I wrote this with like...stinging eyes. xD and a growling stomach. xD

But yeah, anyway...=p

==============================================

Soooo yeah...I posted this on Facebook last night...posting it here now, haha. I can't wait for my new layout...featuring...PON AND ZI...=)

Heart of Worship

2010-03-03T13:38:00.000-05:00

When the music fades...all is stripped away...
And I simply come...

Noise. Smells. Lights. Colors.
She couldn't focus on all of them at the same time. Bright lights danced across her blurry vision, a mix of blue, red, white, and orange. Dimly, she smelled something burning and there were screams and shouts among other sounds that made it into her range of hearing. she couldn't move - it was as if she was suspended in came sort of weightless dimension, just barely in touch with the world around her.

Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart

"Hailey! Hailey!"
She heard someone calling her name. The voice sounded familiar...
"Miss, please calm down!" Another voice this time, one much deeper. She didn't recognize it. "She's still conscious, she can hear you."
"Hailey! You just got into a car accident! They're taking you to the hospital!"
So she was in a car accident. She barely felt something touching her, lifting her...a cool rush of wind, and a somewhat-antiseptic smell filled her nose.

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required

A strange, rhythmic pounding filled her ears. All other outside noise began to fade as the sound dominated. It took her a moment to figure out that it was her heartbeat. It's steady beating blocked out all other sounds, creating a song of pure beats...before she heard another sound, the sound of gushing water...her blood flowing...

You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart...

A sudden fluctuation in her breathing snapped her mind back into reality. Someone shrieked her name as she dimly felt something warm on her body.
"Hailey!"
"Hurry, hurry! We're losing more blood!"
A silent alarm sounded inside of her, a gentle warning. She knew then...it was close...
And as she looked inside her heart, she found someone staring right back at her, their face hidden from her because of the immense light that radiated from them.
But no matter how she couldn't see their complexion, she knew who it was. Tears built as she felt herself fall down onto her knees.

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus

"Patient is losing heartbeat!"
"Move it!"
She disregarded all other noise from the world outside, only bowing down in awe of the being in front of her. The glory, light, greatness, and power overwhelmed her being, soul, and spirit.

I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus...

"It's almost time."

King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve...

She looked up as the great, wonderful, soothing, yet powerful and authoritative voice spoke to her. Nodding, she took a moment to reflect on her life as she closed her eyes, remembering her suffering and counting her blessings.

Though I'm weak and poor...all I have is Yours...
Every single breath...

"We're losing her!"
"Hailey!"
The girl was losing breath, losing heartbeat...losing life...

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required

All through her reflections, she gave thanks and praise for every memory, every action, every thought. She begged forgiveness for her wrongs, and her tears spilled down as her soul was poured out.

You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart...

She opened her eyes, finished on relieving her life.
"Lord, take me home."

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus...

=====================

This was inspired when Heart of Worship started sticking into my head in the middle of class. I was scheduled to drive that day (yesterday xD), and so the first image I had when I started writing this was a fading life. I know, morbid. xD but yeah...I really liked writing it...but it got sort of off-track at the end because I finished it today and was totally out of it. Haha. So I hope you guys enjoyed it...

Oh yeah, and Heart of Worship is one of my favorite worship songs =) It's really neat.

So...yeah...hahahaha. Waiting in the library for driving instructor to come. =p Wish me luck!

Confession.

2010-02-08T16:02:00.000-05:00

Yes...it's my day to confess -nods-

Firstly, I'd just like to tell everyone that I'm not gone =p I just moved into a new house with no internet whatsoever, so I am suffering from underdosage of my worldwideweb at the moment. I'm at Kyomi's house right now, so here I am, blogging about my pointless, boring life while procrastinating my work for Earth Science and US History Honors...

No, I love my life x)

...I guess it's time to confess. -.-' Well, life's been buena lately...hahaha...for those of you who haven't seen on Facebook...

Yunni has a...boyfriend? -hides in case dongsaengs and unnies and Japanese fried shrimps come flying at her-

LOL I'm kidding. But yeah...I'm dating...=p Peter Lin actually asked me out, hahaha...

So yes, here's my random blogsplat for today...=)

I'LL CATCH UP WITH UNNIES AND DONGSAENGS AND JAP FOOD SOON =) Love you guys!
AND THIS INCLUDES DAWN CHOW =) I know you're stalking me...-creeper look- hahaha, kidding =)

What..

2010-01-31T13:51:00.000-05:00

...do you do when tears sting your eyes for no reason?
...do you do when someone you care for isn't happy?
...do you do when you feel helpless and at the bottom?
...do you do when you just can't seem to make them smile?

...am I supposed to do...

===

Oh boy that sounds depressing.
I am...not in my right state of mind at the moment...-.-'
Yunni feels like she's losing it.

Update

2010-01-21T11:06:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Chazzie unnie @ DD for my newwwww layout. =)

Wow...I haven't updated in a while...and a lot of things have happened in a mere...what...20 days...

LOL it seemed like forever ago that I posted on my blog. At the moment...I don't think there's very much to say...haha...dunno, can't think of anything =p just finished with exams, so I'm REALLY happy right now. ^^

Anyways. I shall update later. = =" Let's see how much I have to do.

Review requests: 7 (Shredded Hearts, i-DEAS, and CCM)
Graphic requests: 1 (Lost Shadows)

Oml...so much to finish...- -"

Happy New Years!

2010-01-01T11:03:00.000-05:00

H a p p y N e w Y e a r s , e v e r y o n e ! ! !

=) Haaaaappi neeew yeeas, efeweewon =)

IT'S 2010!

MEWWIE CHWWWIIIIISMAS!

2009-12-25T08:24:00.000-05:00

M E R R Y C H R I S T M A S!!!!!

My dear friends, Christmas is upon us, and I would like to wish each one of you a WONDERFUL holiday season =) Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

Awakening

2009-12-09T14:22:00.000-05:00

So. I covered the SATs. Now...onto...CHARITY BALL...

I think it's the highlight of like...being 15. Sort of. I mean...it was great. I went with my crush (Peter), and it was...great. And no, Soomi, I don't have a boyfriend. =p meow.
It was sort of like...a dream come true.

And like all dreams, this one has an end.

Sunday was still okay. I mean, he goes to my church, so...yeah...he gave me a ferrero rocher. ^^ But we couldn't talk for too long.
Monday...what's there to say...I hate Mondays...

Tuesday was the...crappiest day...ever. It started out fine, ended fine, up until church basketball...Peter, Jacob, Mendel, and Michael were there from YG, and we all had fun playing against the adults...and stuff...
Abby was there with Jared, and she asked me if Peter and I "were an item" yet. = =" I told her no...
I didn't even have time to talk to him. =( Made me so sad.
Then, I got home and showered...and I talked to Jacob on facebook about that night's bball, when another girl commented on one of my posts when I was talking about ball, being all perverted and saying how Peter was a player and I was getting influenced.

THEN. THEN. THEN.

Then she copied and pasted the link of Jacob and my wall-to-wall and sent it to a FRIEND AT SCHOOL who had NOTHING to do with this to see, tagging me in the post and SCREAMED out at the entire world that I was a player.
What. The. Heck.
What did I ever do to her? NOTHING. I got pretty upset about it, especially since she was my friend and all. I don't mind her teasing, but this just stepped over the line.

Kyo talked to her today at school, and she told her that I was pretty upset. The girl laughed. Then Kyo was like, "It's not funny, she is very unhappy about it,"but you know what she said?
She said, "Oh well, who likes her anyway?"

And her friend, another one of my "friends"...apparently, she doesn't like me either because she thinks I'm weird. = =" OH, WOW, GREAT REASON.

They both go to my church, too. > < I don't know how I'm going to put up with this. First Peter, then Eunice and Vivian...

The dream has shattered into Alice in Wonderland. I want to find my way home.

Except...which way is it?

OVER. FINALLY.

2009-12-05T14:24:00.000-05:00

I am infinitely happy to say that it is OVER.

SATS ARE OVER.

I think I did really bad on it...I'd be surprised if I got anything over 600 - -' meowww. AeRi unnie, remember when I said I was going to cry? Well, I actually did. I started bawling - -' and I HATE crying, but hey...meow. = =" I'd like to say thanks to...IAN FONG, my freaking best friend...I'd don't know what I'd do without him...I thank God that every time I cry, I can always go to him, whether I'm crying in some bathroom in HK or at home before exams or when I'm scared...=) it's great to know that someone's there for you like that. And I don't know if she'll read this, but DAWN CHOW, thank you for being cool and praying for me...I'll go comment on your live after I settle everything - -' Thank you also to (again) AERI UNNIE for knocking some sense into my airhead brain...and to FAITHY TWINNIE for making me happy =) Also...to SAM LEE even though he'll never see this...he made my day by making me laugh. And last but definitely not least, to HEO TEMPURA for wishing me good luck and talking to me ^^

Thank you guys for your support..-bows- KAMSAHIMNIDA! LOVE YOU GUYS!

Shout-outs

2009-11-28T08:16:00.000-05:00

YUSH! I am late, but WHO CARES, I'M GOING TO DO SHOUTOUTS ANYWAY. SO THERE. ^^ Annual Thanksgiving thing...=p

I am thankful to God for each and everyone one of you because you guys have made my life so much easier and happier in each of your own ways...

AeRi unnie - Unnie, thank you for always being there for me. =D I know that I can be the most annoying dongsaeng on the planet, but thanks for putting up with that and all my spazzing to listen to me whenever I needed someone. You're the best unnie in the world, and I thank God you're always there at the right time, whether it was to SHINee/hubby spazz with me or listen to my problems. Thank you for caring so much about me ^^ I lobs youu!
PS- THANK YOU FOR THE BDAY VIDEO<333> < Sorry I couldn't make you one for your birthday...not that talented...

Faithy - My one and only TWINNIE, I thank God that you're living in the States and that you have texting. ...xD Yes, I thank God for that, but I also thank Him because He's given me a friend I could talk to about anything, ANYTHING at all, even if we're being crazy spastics or weird angsty people (like we always are. And that run-on sentence should SO not be there). Thank you for always lifting me up when I feel down and being there for me, whether it's texting on your phone or iPod or on YM or blog. Love you, twinnie~
PS- THANK YOU FOR THE MOST MEMORABLE BIRTHDAY EVER<3 =)

Jaemin jie jie - JIE JIE, you're goneeeee, for likeeeee, so longggg. ...xD Slant rhyme is awesome. Jie jie, thank you for the letters =) For constantly making me happy and constantly giving TaeMin wifey to me. - -' meow. Thank you for listening to me, and...> < I'm sorry I couldn't always be there when you didn't feel your best...but all in all...thank you for being such an encouragement to me and making me smile with your insane hyperness (like mine!) =D Come back soon~~ 妹妹很想你!

日本料理 (SOOMI! ^^) - 天賦儸~ did I even type that right? o.o xD anywayyy. You crazy spastic<3 I HART YOU!! My mandarin buddy~ thank you for sending me stuff from Singapore...o.o and for your letters...you have no idea how happy you made me the day I got them...
Soomi~ I'm so proud of you =) I have said this time and again, especially in Stavolta, but I really am proud of you for realizing the facts behind the hurt and going for your own goal and future. You can do it, 'Mi. I believe that you can. Praying for you~ STUDY HARD =) hart you~

Ana dongsaeng - ANA. Despite you trying to be pessimistic all the time, I think it's pretty funny. xD but yeah, anyway...thank you for being there and listening to me rant every day...and for talking to me, telling me things to keep me sane. Thanks for putting up with your annoying unnie all the time and for making me smile =) love yooh.

Yuuri unnie - Unnie, although we don't always talk, thank you for paying attention to me and always leaving encouraging messages on my cbox. =) Thank you for listening to me rant on YM and being there for me...and encouraging me even then. It sucks that we can't always talk to each other, but yay for blogspot. xD lol. Anywayyy...yes, thank you for your encouragement. Lobs yooh~

Naomi unnie - NAOZ UNNIE!!!! I MISS YOUUUUU T^T WHEREEEEE HAVE YOU BEEEENNNNNNNNNN T^T Butttttt...this past year, thank you for being there for me to spazz to...and unnie, I think your creative brain is amazing =) Not just that, but you've also inspired me to work on my vocals because you sing so well. =p Thank you for listening<3 =) hart youuu~ TALK MOREEEE, WOMAN =)

Amber - SHREDDED MISSY =) you're a great webmissie, you know? And IT SUCKS BECAUSE I DON'T GO ON AIM ENOUGH TO TALK TO YOUUU. But then againnnnn...I say something and you never answerrrr T^T why why whyyy. xD this yearrrr, I aim to get on AIM more (haha, aim, AIM) so I don't miss out on big stuff like HOW YOU GOT SWINE and NOBODY TOLD ME -glares at Ana-
But thank God all's good now. =) Soo yesh...thank you for...putting up with my email rants lately...xD =)

...short shout outs this year...-shrugs- =) Anywayyy. Just wanted to get this in. LOVE YOU GUYS. =)

Discouragement.

2009-11-27T18:18:00.000-05:00

This is so stupid.

I was dancing just now...and suddenly, I thought about a friend's friend who was going to audition in the NY SM auditions. I think she auditioned today.
But...just suddenly...this wave of...something hit me.

Disappointment.
Jealousy.
Anger.
Discouragement.

And suddenly, I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed all the bad things about me. About my appearance and dance skills (which I have none). About my personality and characteristics.
I started comparing myself to her.

Why does she get to try out for SM, even though it's all fun to her?
Why does she get to have fun while others take it as a lifelong dream- and they're not even given the chance to audition?

I'm disappointed in a lot of things.
I'm jealous because she gets a chance and I don't.
I'm angry at myself because I'm letting so many things break me down.
I'm discouraged because I'm just not good enough.

I thought I had put the dream behind me somewhere so that it wasn't my first priority anymore. I thought I reminded myself time and again that I was going to let God open the doors.
But...it still doesn't stop the sadness from coming. What if she made it into SM?
She gets to be a celebrity. She gets what I've wanted my entire life.

Did I mention that her favorite SHINee member was TaeMin?

Gawd...> < Why is this so hard?
I was in the middle of Into the New World when I suddenly just wanted to stop dancing. My voice cracked while I sang, and I kept going off key. My limbs were stiff when I tried to dance to the music.
By the time I finished and was moving onto Amigo, I just wanted to stop. And I did- but right in the middle of the song. I didn't even want to finish it.

And suddenly, I wanted to cry.

I've been so tired lately. Everything's happening- my SAT subject test scores just came out (highest 790, lowest 430), my school grades aren't helping me, my best friend had something bad happen to him and I wasn't there in time, my cousin and her friends are different, my friend's changed so much, and I've been getting pissed off at every little thing.

I am so, so tired. I want to hijack a plane and go somewhere to get rid of it all.

SATs are coming up next Saturday, and I don't know how I'm going to handle it, with all the school projects and assignments...all the review requests and all the friend problems...

I don't know what to do...

Meow. = ="

2009-11-26T17:00:00.000-05:00

TAEMIN HUBBY HAS SWINE FLU.

wtllll. > < This is all SM/f(x)'s fault. SM for overworking him. f(x) because their members were sick too.
And Jonghyun and Onew.
They're lucky TaeMin's case isn't serious. THANK GOD. > < I practically had a heart attack when I found out.

So depressing =( HUBBY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -sniff- -heart breaks- -sniff-

Hwaiting~ get well soon, baby<3

Meow. So, last night, I watched New Moon. After the movie was finished, my friends and I hopped and went in another one to watch it again. xD We watched the last 30 minutes =p
IT WAS HECKA AWESOME =)
I liked Twilight enough, so New Moon was great. I feel so bad for Jacob now. I want to like...get a Team Jacob t-shirt and a Twilight/EdwardxBella hoodie.
xD
meow. How contradictory.

Today, I went walking with Kyo. It was great; we spent a load of time with a cat...so lonely...it followed us around =p it just wanted to be petted! Heart broke every time we walked away = =" meow.
Then, we saw friends. Er...saw KYO'S friends. So we ended up staying in the cold for about an hour, talking about BOYS and SHOPPING. I HATE shopping.
And I swear, Kyo is getting on my last nerves. I am SO TIRED of all her crap saying she knows ALL ABOUT KPOP when it was ME who got her into it in the first place and how she's tired of hearing me rant about how much I hate shopping when I MENTION it.

I'm REALLY pissed off right now. WTL. AND we said we were going to pick out dresses for the Charity Ball together. Guess not; she's going with her friends tomorrow.

Sure, ditch me. I am seriously tired of her crap.

And wow. My mom just yelled at me. Whatthefrack.

Screw this. My hands are cold and I'm hungry.

I Want You Back by Secret is loveee. I love the dance =)

Miserable.

2009-11-18T18:24:00.000-05:00

So. Kim Yunni is. Officially sick.

Not that that could stop her from going to school. Psh, I mean, her mom would never let her.

I am feeling utterly horrible at the moment. I slept at 12:30 last night, then woke up at 4, went back to bed, and I had an English test today. I fell asleep in the middle of it (I hate American Romanticism. = ="), and my eyes have been stinging the whole day. Then, I went on my computer...did stuff...and made brownies while reading "Beloved" for school. My eyes suffered. Oh, my eyes suffered.

Right after the brownies were done, I laid down on the couch to take a much-needed nap. Who knew; the nap lasted two hours. Filled with really. REALLY. Bad dreams of random stuff- I mean, Twilight, Disney, Horror...

And I can't stand horror. AT ALL. = ="

I mean, I dreamed that there were two pianos in the house, and "Faithy" (It WAS Faithy, but it didn't look like Faithy) was over. One of the pianos started playing River Flows In You by itself O.O

Then other scary stuff happened. - -'

I just woke up, and my eyes are really really tired > <

Last night bball, I was already feeling really bad because of my stomach and lack of rest. Peter told me to rest more<3 when he was the one that was obviously tired. = ="
Meow.
I think I'm going to get my mom to let me take the Spanish test tomorrow and then pick me up from school.

...What am I talking about. My mom has a job now; she can't just pick me up.

Gawd. I am going to suffer tomorrow. Halp. I'll faint in the middle of class or something.

YE-HAYS!

2009-11-16T21:02:00.001-05:00

WINGLIN IS BACK UP!!!! WOOT!!!!

...and...I think I'm getting sick...> <

Revival II

2009-11-15T13:45:00.000-05:00

Wow, I haven't blogged in a while.

Winglin is driving me nuts by not working. It's pissing everyone off. In addition to that, I think I caught something from someone. And if it's not anyone I live with, I get sick over the phone and internet too, believe it or not. My best friend infected me over the phone a few times; it wasn't fun. > <

Meows -sigh-

Welll. I took the SAT Subject Tests last week...I'm not very confident...EVEN CHINESE...

我對自己完全沒有自信...我不知道考得好不好...我連考英文都已經不行了, 更何況考中文...

I took Chinese, Math, and Literature...I couldn't finish the math - -' And the literature was really. Really hard. > <> <

I don't know what's wrong with me. I cried on Saturday, and on Tuesday, my mom misunderstood me and I cried AGAIN. I used to NEVER cry. What is wrong with me? > < What am I becoming?
I barely recognize myself anymore...it's like I've left me back in Asia, and some other person's taken over my body. > <

Meowww. -sighs-

I got my mom to pull me out of the bball team, something I thought would never happen. It's just; there's practice every single day after you make the team...and like...I had a secure spot on the JV team. Like, I would have been on there if I went to tryouts, which I didn't. The thing is, I don't have time for it. I have SATs and driver's ed. this year. I barely have time for anything else. Even when I'm writing or doing something I love doing, I have to do it while doing homework. > <

Do I have anything good happening to me lately?

Oh. Yeah. Peter. He asked me to the Charity Ball coming up...on SAT night. So that means, after SATs, we're going to a ball. Wonderful. =p Don't get me wrong, it's great, but...

I am so screwed for the SATs. - -' meow.

Today, went to church. My friends deep fried me right in front of him...including Kyo...who's my cousin, for those who don't know...> <

-sighs- I'm trying to hook her up with a guy at school that likes her. xD

Meow. =p

Guess I'll continue ~~procrastinating~~ studying for my English quiz tomorrow. =p

-SuddenDeath-

2009-10-28T17:11:00.000-04:00

PSH.

WHAT THE F*CK AM I TALKING ABOUT.

IT'S GOING TO TAKE MORE THAN THAT TO KICK ME DOWN.

TRY AGAIN, B*TCH, YOU'LL NEVER GET ME!

===

Apologies for my improper use of language.
I need to burn something off.
Anger.
and.
FAT. XDDD

brbbbb~ <3

ILOBSYOOH<3

Really?

2009-10-28T15:45:00.000-04:00

Is this...really what Kim Yunni's all about?

Really? Horrible singing and even worse dancing? Acting cute? Looking good? Really? Chocolate milk I can understand, but...really?

That's not even important anymore. Who can sing the best, who can dance better...who can get into SM to be a trainee, who can write better, who looks better, who's the youngest, who gets TaeMin in all the stories...I don't care anymore. I use these to push myself. I have a whole bunch of people I look up to.

Faith unnie
AeRi unnie
Naomi unnie
Heo Sushiii
Yeonie unnie
Jaemin jie jie
Ana dongsaeng
Anna unnie
Darkess dongsaeng

But honestly...is that what Yunni is all about? Yunni doesn't like giving up. Yunni HATES giving up. So she doesn't know why she's letting this break her down. She doesn't want to write anymore. She doesn't want to sing anymore. She doesn't feel like dancing anymore.
Heck, she doesn't even feel like smiling or TaeMin-spazzing right now. And she knows this is selfish because there's a whole bunch of friends with her.

Even SHAKKIE commented. WTF.

Ring.Ding.Dong<3

2009-10-16T17:17:00.000-04:00

SO.
SHINee's new MV is FINALLY OUT. THANK GOD.
and guess what?

HOT
HOT
HOT
HOT
HOT
!!!!!!
OMGGGGG TAEMIN<333333 3 =DDD

Ring.Ding.Dong

AND THEIR COMEBACK STAGE WAS <33333 HOLY CRAP =DDD TAEHUBBY<3 Key<3 Onew<3 Minho<3 Jongie<3 ^^ SHINEEEEEEE =DD

Scared...and Alone. [STILL]

2009-10-15T21:21:00.000-04:00

-sigh-
I'm having a random emo spasm. But this time...meow...
T^T

Naomi unnie came online at 7 am (for her), and I said hi, but she logged off. Prolly had school. Then, I was talking to Ana dongsaeng before dinner when she got off while I was eating...and...so...I went to dance afterwards. But...
during my shower after dancing...AeRi unnie said 'hi' to me, but she got off before I came back T^T That kinda got me thinking...

What happens when we're all grown up...will we forget each other? Will we continue our lives and not remember that we ever met each other? Not remember this amazing group of friends who, although we've never met each other, was the support and strength when we needed it?

I HATE these random emo spasms. They're making me HOMESICK for HK right now...and trust me, I'm REALLY homesick.
And it's making me depressed because these thoughts have been bugging me.
I'm scared. I'm REALLY scared. > <

===

Here, I edit this post about 10 minutes later, feeling changed. What can I say?
God<3
Thank You for Faith Park...for her blog...and her sidebar...with the Still lyrics =)
Thank You for hiding me under Your wing
and helping me to realize what it means to know Christ's power in quietness and trust.

I no longer feel scared, because I know everything will be okay =)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KEY~

2009-09-22T22:43:00.000-04:00

Sooo. This post is a day early because...today is the 23rd in Seoul.
So.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KEY!!
生日快樂!!!
생골 축해!!!

Sorry for the failtastic poster -.-' -fail- but I lobs yooh (keke. Second fave SHINee-er!) so I made you something. =p meow.

KEYYYY~ HAPPY BIRTHDAY =)

Random Stuffles =)

2009-09-18T16:35:00.001-04:00

Meow. I AM SO HAPPY.

I printed off 'River Flows In You' for my Creative Writing teacher to critique, and I told her to listen to it while she read over it when she was done...she was like...

"Okay, Madi. A, I'm going to cry. B, that was beautiful."

I AM SO HAPPY =D I PRACTICALLY MADE MY TEACHER CRY. BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAA!!!!! =D

Anyway. I found out something veeeeery interesting today.

There's a guy who sits behind me in algebra- pretty nice guy, cool, fun to hang with. But. I found out something by talking to him today.

He has a heart condition, and he grew up in Detroit, most dangerous city in the USA. He grew up in the ghetto places- which means that he drinks and takes drugs.

He told me that he was going to a party tonight, even though his heart condition acted up in algebra today > < He told me that he was taking drugs and everything, how you should enjoy life because there was no meaning to it, no point.

As I listened to him, I began to feel depressed.

Not just that, but he told me things as well...how he takes hallucinations, which make no difference, because he sees things anyway. He said that he sees things that weren't there- when he was little, he used to see people who were supposedly dead, talking to him. He sees men with paper bags over their heads, holding a chainsaw. He said he could hear the chainsaw, could hear the man.

He said that whenever he dreamed, he would open his eyes and whatever was in his dream would be there for a whole minute before they disappeared. He told me that he hears voices inside of his head, telling him just how much of a failure he was, telling him how useless he was and how there was no point to life.

Thank God he didn't listen to them. But he hears them. I prayed for him, but I don't know how much good I can do if I can't really really really really really get in touch with God soon. I felt so small against something that I knew was real that was going on, when I faced what Satan had done in his life. And I just felt so depressed. Somehow, it scares me as well, to finally come to terms that it was so real. I know I shouldn't be scared. I have no reason to be scared. And just watch me; I'm no going to be.

He's going to the party tonight. > <> < Meow.

I need to learn more, to get more in touch with God, and to have more faith.

Hebrews 11:1-31

Struggling

2009-09-12T21:56:00.000-04:00

I'm sick. Guess who's fault is that?

A completely cute, dorky, and amazingly nice guy by the name of...PETER...XD

Nawww. Peter Lin. I met him at the church retreat...= = we were playing bball together with some other guys when he turned to me and asked me if I minded if he took his shirt off. I said no and one of the guys were like, "SKINS VS. SHIRTS!"

Then. Peter pointed at me and everyone laughed - - XD

So anyway. He got me sick. = = I told my friend and she was like, "WHAT WERE YOU DOING WITH HIM??" And my jaw just fell SLACKKK. = =

meow. That's not even what I'm annoyed or struggling with.

No.

I'm struggling with meeting God.

My spiritual life is hanging loosely, and I don't know why. I know it's my fault, and I'm trying to repair it...I really am. Tonight, I tried to meet Him again.

Last time I tried, I heard Him talk to me. Not meet me. Talked. He told me that I needed more faith and patience. That He's here, but I need more faith and patience to see Him.

This time...this time it was harder. I tried...

It took longer for me to hear Him this time. Last time, He told me I needed more. This time, He told me He was here. I just had to look for Him. That the screen I thought had existed between Him and I turned out to be just a doorway with no door. I believed that I was trapped inside when there was absolutely nothing in between us. I tried walking through the door when I found out that my mind was past the door, but my body just wouldn't move. > <

Aishhh. > <

This time, I heard Him again. It was so faint, fainter than last time. He told me that He was here. That I need to persevere and not give up, not give up looking for Him. I saw a faint white shadow, and He told me that it's not even close to who He really is. I only saw a ghost of His light, a pale light. Today, He said to me, "I'm here, child. Look for me."

Until someone called my name REALLY loudly that it penetrated my aunt's huge closet's door and pulled me back into reality. > <

I hear things that He's saying to me...but it scares me sometimes...because I can't be sure if it's really Him or not. Like, I can tell. But sometimes, I'm not sure if it's my mind or if it's really Him. There was a voice today...when I thought about all the things I was going to tell Him, all the questions I wanted to ask, a voice said that He was going to make me great.

Was that even Him? Sometimes, it's so hard to tell between my mind's voice and God's voice...but at others, it's so obvious.

One of my prayers today was that He'd open the eyes of my heart so that I could see Him.

=

A friend once asked me what it was like to believe in God. She asked me what it was like to go to church- after all, all she knows is the interior of a temple.

So I told her that believing in God isn't always easy. Sometimes, it's so hard to hear Him...like having your ears plugged. You can't hear everything He's saying to you, can't hear what He wants to say. It's hard sometimes. But that doesn't compare to the other side of the relationship, the side where you actually DO have a relationship. It doesn't compare to how beautiful and wonderful that relationship is.

'09 Retreat

2009-09-07T21:57:00.000-04:00

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about you, Jesus

===

This retreat was...not what I expected it to be. I actually expected a lot out of this retreat- partially because I felt spiritually dry, and I knew that I needed water to quench my thirst.
I was thirsting for LIVING water.

I went to the retreat, hoping to meet Him, to see Him face to face, and to talk to Him.

In a way, I did, although it wasn't how I thought it was going to be different. I thought it was going to be literal, in a way, like I met Him in HK.
It was different. WAY different.

So, first day. We got there late, and I looked at first session, which was Q&A. I thought it was a waste of time, so, guiltily, I skipped it with my cousin.

Not a good idea., as I found out later how awesome it was. I prayed then that I could be given a new start and go again.

That night, I heard the youth speaker for the first time. His name was Matt, and he was a real funny guy; he didn't drone or bore us (the youth) as he was speaking. He made the message seem so...natural to listen to. It was great, and I learned a lot from him talking about God.

But it wasn't so much the message that practically murdered me.

It was what he said in the beginning, after the worship, that really slapped me across the face, HARD.

"Why are you here?"

I want to meet God face to face.

"Are you ready for it? Are you listening? Are you saying, 'God, speak to me'?"

I stopped and thought for a moment. Yes. I was there to see God, to meet Him. But I realized something else as Matt continued with the message.

Maybe I was just going through religious motions without meaning. During worship, I tried really hard to mean what I was singing. I don't know how exactly how to describe my feelings then; it was a mixture of trying and just...going through what a good Christian would have done.

Matt also mentioned how God should be Lord of it ALL. I had heard that before, but it meant so much more when I heard it that night. So, I decided and said,

"Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening." (1 Sam. 3:10)

So I listened. I listened as I heard God fulfill His promises, every last one- even if Caleb had to wait 45 years to see the fulfillment of the promise to him, if Abraham waited until he was 100 years old until Issac was born.

I listened as God told people to do things that didn't make sense on paper, like blowing down a fortress' walls just by marching around it and shouting, as a small boy went fought against a giant.

The thing all these stories had in common was faith. Coincidentally, one of my favorite passages in the Bible is Hebrews 11:1-31 - and the whole passage talks about faith. It was by faith that these things happened.

=

Day 2

I woke up early, and I went to one of the rooms the youth were in last night for small group, one of the small rooms with the piano. I started to journal when I got there, knowing I had a lot to write. Soon, I got sidetracked and started playing piano instead.

And then, it hit me.

What was I doing? I should be there to talk to God. I was never going to repair our relationship this way, if I kept on delaying and delaying. That need I felt in me to worship Him wasn't going anywhere if I didn't talk to Him first, and I knew it.

When I realized that, I knelt down and prayed. Just like that.

That, however, didn't mean that God came out to meet me immediately. No. There was still a screen separating us. It didn't bother me so much, but I knew it was there. I thought that over the day, God would make it better.

Matt's talk included how we as Christians need to be wise in faith as we follow God. That we need to wait on God. Did that mean even if I wanted to meet Him just like that, that I have to wait for Him? This was a question I had never considered before, at all.

That sessions' topic also included how God was different from other gods, other religions. Firstly and most basically, Christianity was a personal relationship with God. Other religions were a business transaction.

Wow. I had never thought of it in those terms. How true.

People suck up to their gods to have them bless their families or to bless them. They bring sacrifices and offerings in hope that they can be good enough. Some people even bring their own kids to burn as a sacrifice.

What of us? We don't need to offer anything to receive salvation. All we have to do is accept it. And this God is worthy of praise; that is why we praise Him, why we worship Him.

This worship song really touched me...it's called By This, We Know Love

God of all creation, Lord of Heaven's light
Descended into evil's darkest night
Infinitely holy, Your perfection knows no end
Selflessly You died my rightful death

By this we know love
That He laid down His life
God's very own Son
Came from Heaven to die

Suspended He hung
As He shed His own blood
What grace in His pardon
By this, we know love

Forsaken man of sorrows, hated by all men
You willingly surrendered for my sin
Scornfully derided, yet in silence stumbling on
Bearing wrath for all that I've done wrong

By this we know love
That He laid down His life
God's very own Son
Came from Heaven to die

Suspended He hung
As He shed His own blood
What grace in His pardon
By this, we know love

=

Now I've found
The greatest love of all
Is mine

These words are powerful to me. The GREATEST love of ALL is mine. Mine. The greatest love anyone could give and be given to is given to me. WOW.

Majesty, majesty
Forever I am changed by Your love
In the presence of Your Majesty

Your Majesty. That completely acknowledges God's rule over the universe.

=

Sunday night's message was the turning point of this retreat to me. The topic was 'Mt. Sinai vs. Mt. Zion: Moving from fear to freedom', which totally makes sense.

Mt. Sinai - doom, darkness, storm, fear, literal.
Mt. Zion - metaphor, freedom, Heavenly Jerusalem, angels in joyful assembly, God.

If you could choose, which one would you pick?

One of these mountains was old, it represented an old promise. One represented the new promise, the New Testament.

This was when things turned around. As I took notes in my handbook, I noticed that I had no longer called God 'God'. No.

I found myself writing 'Daddy' instead. In my head, a vision of me running like a child back into the arms of my father formed. This was where our relationship finally stared to be repaired.

-

I love being daddy's kid =)

=

Worshipping Him is an opportunity, not an obligation.

=

That didn't mean that every uncertainty was cleared up, though. I still felt a veil in my heart, something that just didn't seem to connect with God's heart. So afterwards, I pulled Matt aside to talk to him about it. He said that God wanted to meet me, too. That I'd be able to hear Him if I wait for Him and keep listening for His voice. Meeting God is different for everybody, but I would hear Him in the way He wants to speak to me. That helped, because something was relieved from my chest.

The talk made me realize that if I said I was listening to God, I wasn't listening close enough, because I completely missed it when He talked to me in a different way.

=

Monday morning. I learned the dreams can be a part of worshiping God, too.

This point really made me think- in what way can my dreams worship God? In what way can I honor Him with my dreams, of being a writer and a singer in the entertainment industry? Several answers pop up in my head, but I think that I'm still waiting for His answer to my future.

I told Matt about this, too. And guess when he covered this topic.

=

Monday afternoon.

He will make clear my path.
Daddy will tell me.

He gives me everything I need to make decisions.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have ben called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

Daddy will provide.

===

=DDD YAY!

CHURCH R E T R E A T

2009-09-05T09:11:00.000-04:00

I shall be back Monday evening. =)

However, I am forced to bring my phone, so therefore, I can't quite put all technology aside - - meow.

SEE YOU GUYS THEN!

Thoughts [Imported from Live]

2009-08-30T14:21:00.000-04:00

[Imported from my livejournal]

Second day of school, the person who sat in front of me in my Creative Writing class was talking about a website full of comics that bashed just about everyone. Then, he said, "You should have seen the one with Jesus. It was epic!"

I was so mad.

I don't know how to explain it- I was just burning inside.

Recently, my relationship with God hasn't been very good. I've been doing things I shouldn't, been swearing and all those other things. I barely spend any time with Him, and all I care about is the computer, Korean artists, or my dancing.

I realize that I've never really made any time for Him.

My online friend, a Christian- she just got back from a church retreat. She told me about how her questions were answered, how her worries were lessened, and how she became a changed person after that experience. As I read about the things she mentioned, about how Jesus was murdered for us- murdered. He didn't just die. He was murdered. About how his beloved children were mocking him as he was carrying his cross.

Then she wrote about how a woman prayed for her. A woman who God spoke through; she spoke in tongues, and in her prayers with my friend, she addressed the things that she had never told anyone before.
She wrote about how she felt like a changed person. She wrote about the changes that took place inside of her, about her closer relationship with God.

I was jealous.

There wasn't anyone here who are supports as such. God didn't and doesn't talk to me in that way. I wanted to feel like someone changed, too.

I almost started to cry.

I realized that I haven't been spending time with God at all- sure, I prayed at night. But I didn't take time to spend with Him, to meditate on His word. I was doing things that He doesn't like, and yet, I still say that I struggle to be a better Christian. I haven't been basing my life around Him, and He's telling me that through something my friend experienced with Him.

With Him.

It's a slap on the face.

My friend; she said that she no longer worried about the singing career she had wanted for so long. She no longer worried about her obsessions with some band in Korea.

I want to be the same. I want to give my life up to God and let Him take control of who I'm going to be, to let Him guide me instead of following my own instincts, to spend time with Him every day. I want to not be so obsessed with my singer dream and I want to know what He wants me to be instead. I don't want to listen to myself answer my own questions anymore. I want to listen to His answers.

Tagged by Pyoung Hei ll Blogging

2009-08-27T20:30:00.000-04:00

Firstly, doing the tag from Hei @ Y-G ^^

1.MY EVER DEAREST FAMILY: Complaints Only~ XD
Complaints...
well, complaining that my dad yells at me too much. Almost all the time. He's so strict sometimes, and he's always talking negative to make his point.
My mom is too strict. Wayy too strict. She tries to live life through me sometimes. I hate it.
My sister is so annoying. Seriously, what the crap! Illogical and completely unreasonable.
My brother follows my sister too much.

But all in all...I still love them =D

2.MY FREINDS: Haha, they are freaks! XD
What's there to say...
I LOVE ALL OF THEM =)
Through the happy, the dorky, the random, the weird, the awkward, the sad...I love them =)

3.MY SITES AND IDOL: Hmmm, tough one~
Sites...NIIIXREPLAY ^^
SHINEE YOUNGWONHEE
LEE TAEMIN, YUNNI YOUNGWONHEE SARANGHAEYO!!!! <333
and, of course
KIM KEY <3
And and and and and
Hwannie and Jaejin and Yunho <3 ^^

4.THE PEOPLE WHO HATE ME: Dont even go there~
Psh. Hate all they want X) It doesn't matter to me. I should learn to love them. -nods-

5.MY DAY DREAMS: Important!
My EVERY dreams are important because...they're something I want to prove true. Not to stay a dream, but I want them to be REAL.

6.MY NET CONNECTION:
CAN'T LIVEEEEEE...IF LIVIN' IS WITHOUT YOOH-OHH~
XD
Nawww. It's important, and I LOVE/NEED/WANT it. Although, of course, there are priorities that are much, much higher than that.

People to tag; 2 people? Hmmm...
HEO Tempura
Amber LEE

===

Meow. Blogging time.

I haven't written in my journal for so long...

Meow. -sigh- Well. School has finally started to me. I don't like my school...it's so big...so different...

And I have to take a freaking ESL test. What the crap. = =

It's only the third day of school today, but I'm still not quite used to it. Four hour and a half-long classes each day.

It feels so weird; I should be in school right now, just starting classes with my friends whom I've known for over half a decade. I should be in my small, cozy, familiar, Christian school, with only 200 some people in the secondary section. I should know everyone there, able to laugh, smile, talk, play ball, and be myself every single day.

Now?

Everything's quiet. I don't feel like talking. I had to RETHINK about playing basketball. I don't know what I should do. > <

Meowwww.
I believe can get used to it. I just won't ever like it.

I miss HK. I miss everyone there. I miss the HK lifestyle.

Every time I think about it, I get so homesick it's not even funny.

> < Life hasn't been very nice to me. Wellllll.

that's not quite true.

I'm still so very happy from my unnies and my dongsaengs <3
Every day before I get out of the house in the morning, I get to talk to Jaemin jie jie and Soomi
And now, Sookyung is on the same continent as me.
Song, Ana, and Amber are in the same country.
I'll make it
With God's help.

===

Yesterday, the second day of school. The guy in front of me in my Creative Writing class was talking about a site with comics that dissed everyone. He said,
"Dude, you should have seen the one with Jesus, it was epic!"

I was so mad.
Then, I realized something. The school was filled with swearing, Christianity-bashing, smoking, drugs, and everything else. I thought about the post on Song's wall just a few days before, about her needed a lot of faith.
I realized just how much faith I needed at that moment, just simply surviving in school. I realized how much faith I would need to stay true to God.

If I really was to walk the entertainment path...like Song said. I'll need a lot. A lot. Of faith.

Faith Park, thank you for helping me to realize this point. I feel like somehow, you're my spiritual mentor.
At least, right now, I think you're my spiritual support.
Thank you.

MY SOLEEE. I MEAN, SOULLLL.

2009-08-24T08:51:00.000-04:00

So.

After being deprived for THREE WEEKS, THREE WHOLE WEEKS

My mother FINALLY bought

CHOCO MILK.

-happy dance- =D

Unforgettable.

2009-08-23T07:02:00.000-04:00

Meow. As people know, it was my birthday yesterday. See, I woke up about an hour later than I usually do, and when I logged onto MSN at 7 some in the morning, Anna unnie (Sungmin's wifey!) practically ambushed me and went, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"
And then, she told me to check winglin. She even gave me the link. And guess what.

Kim Yunni teared when she saw what it was.

It was...a story. Collection of oneshots by my friends, as well as a really cute poster Lena unnie made (THANK YOOH, UNNIE!!!) I swear I was about to scream when I saw it. Instead; I teared. XD

Here: NiiixReplay

Song, thank you for making the story...for going through all the trouble just for my birthday. > < Anddd. Thank you for the birthday song ^^ Ummm...thank you also for helping me to get my spiritual life on track and get right with God again, as well as the spiritual support and the prayers. =) 송이언니 사랑해요!!!!
Here! Birthday song with Song's awesome singing ^^

Anna unnie, for ambushing me as soon as I got online and telling me about the fic as well as being the...second (cousin Kyomi took first - -) to wish me a happy birthday. Thank you for constantly doing my annoying review requests and also putting up with your hyperactive dongsaeng. I love yooh, unnie!!

Soomi, thank you for the graphic and for the one shot. XDD I laughed so hard when I read yours XDDD Thanks also...FOR FLYING AN ENTIRE PACKAGE OVER TO THE STATES FOR MEH...I was wearing the shirt today, you know? =D DOODEEE I DANCED WITH IT. KEKEKE. =) HEO TEMPURA, I HART YOOH.
Graphic!:

AeRi unnie, thank you SO MUCH for the video...and for being you. I know I can tell you practically anything, and I thank you because you're constantly there for me to check up on me and for the fact that you love me ^^ Thank you for being you. I LOVE YOU, UNNIE.
(Pst! Video's at the bottom ^^)

Jaemin jie jie, thank you for being there for me and always trying your best to make me happy. I love you not just because you dedicated a few blog posts to me or gave TaeMin to me in a couple of fics, but because you actually care about me and try your best to make me smile. Jie jie, I want to do the same for you. =) 姐姐，我愛你　＝）

Naomi unnie, for being there to spazz with me and also NOT just because you wrote me a oneshot, but because you, like Song, like Soomi and my other unnies, care about me and (hopefully! XD) love me. I LOVE YOU UNNIE. Thank you for reminding me time and time again that you're there for me =)

Darkess dongsaeng, again, not just for the shot, but for all the fun times we've had together ^^ For being webmissie of Shredded Hearts, and for caring for this unnie. =) Your shot made me laugh so hard. XDD Thank you for the encouragement, and for all the happiness that was given to me. =) I L Y DONGSAENG.

Ana dongsaeng, for wishing me a early happy birthday before you left for Viet. =) <3

Isa unnie, for making this birthday AWESOME. Thank you for...accepting me for ~Twist~ and making a sequel for it, and putting me different stories as well. Thanks for your encouragement and support on the comment page and even on my fics. =) Unnie, thank you for everything and I LOVE YOOH. =)

Ga Eul unnie, for your random emails and for the one shot, thank you =) I'm really glad that you chose to start emailing me and becoming my friend. I realized that I still haven't replied to your email yet - - Sowwies. - - Butttttt. Thank you for remembering me and caring for me!!! =D I HEART YOOH.

These are some of the people that have completely made this the most incredible, unforgettable birthday ever. I love you guys!!!
...Hmm. I don't think I missed anyone, mianhae if I did!!
...my longest post. XD =)

HE-O SOOMI, I LOVE YOOH.

2009-08-20T20:00:00.000-04:00

BUCKY.

[click to enlarge and see what was written. XD]

...Wowz, okay, that wasn't supposed to happen. ANYWAY.
HEO SOOMI, I LOVE YOOH!!!
Thank you for...putting a HUGE smile on my face...for giving me TaeMin for my birthday...and REMEMBERING it...- - LOL I forgot until my mom reminded me yesterday - -

But

Thank yooh...I read your note like, a million times. XDD Love your writing. XD It's so easy to read, HAHA. =)

Anywhoo.

THANK YOOHS AND YUNNI LOVES YOOH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love yooh! <3

2009-08-18T07:30:00.000-04:00

This post I dedicate to my unnies and dongsaengs...for always being there for me. =) I realize that I've never properly THANKED any of you T^T, so, jacking this idea from Jaemin jiejie, I'm going to make a somewhat shout-out like thing to you guys because...I LOVE YOOH. =D

Heo Sashimi
Believe it or not, you are the...fifth person I knew the longest on winglin, but at the same time, second author I noticed when I first came around. XD I started out...pretty pessimistic because...I always saw you around. xD But when I actually got to know you somewhere...you turned out to be the friend I could talk to. And you cared =) It was through you/Monochrome that I got closer to Dezzy too =) You always told me my jokes are lame, but I BET YOU LAUGHED! XDDD Anywayyy. Thank yooh...for being there and always making me graphics, telling me that you cared even though you didn't know how to word it. XDDDD <3 yooh Tempuraaaa!

Mrs. OH WONBIN/Faith Park
Haha. I'm so not used to calling you by your English name. XD Anyway...I still think we're destined to meet on winglin. XD I'm REALLY glad I tried out for (what was then) Jewels, and that you applied for Everything in the same time period. You were the friend that I could spazz with and talk to, and I know I can tell you practically anything. You're my winglin hyper buddy; I don't know if anyone can be as hyper as us XDD We could end the world if we wanted to with our hyperness. I've always had so much fun with you, and you've always been there to pick me up with something. You've also helped me get back on track with my relationship with God, and thank you for that. I thank Him for giving me a friend like this =) Remember that I care about you and whatever problems you have, send me an email or text me, neh? I'll listen and be there for you like you've for me =)

Jaemin jie jie
I think...we have the most humorous relationship ever. XD I didn't like you at first cause of the TaeMin obsession. All I knew was that there was a girl named Jaemin who LOVED TaeMin, and nooo I didn't like it. XD It was after Challenged Love that I really REALLY started noticing you. I figured that since we had some friends in common, it wouldn't hurt to be friends with you, right? So when Teardrops came up, I decided to get to know you. XDD I don't know how we did it, but we became friends and fellow TaeMin lovers. XDDD Whatever it was; I'm glad I got to know you because you are a wonderful jiejie who cares and is there for me despite the situation. It's funny how alike we think and how alike we actually ARE. XDDD JAE of JaeYu, YUNNI LOVES YOOH!

NaoChaemi
Haha, kidding. =) Naomi unnie, I luffles yooh! I don't even remember how we met. - - Do you? XDD Anyway. Despite your busy schedule, you still checked out my blog and always talked to me on MSN. You always asked me how I was, and you cared =) You Key/Khun spastic, you were always ready to spazz about them. I can always spazz with you =)
I was actually surprised that you didn't turn me down when I suggested a collab because we both had a crazy amount of stories out there - -
Meow. Unnie, you were the unnie I could always ask for advice because I know that you'd give SOME answer even when you said 'idk' afterwards. HAHA. XDDD All in all, thank you for caring about me and always checking up on me, neh? I LUFFLES YOOH!

Ana dongsaeng
You spastic. XDD Dongsaeng, out of the four dongsaengs I have, you're my second. XD And I thought you were my unnie before - - LOL that was embarassing. XD I'm glad that we talked over winglin and MSN; it drew us closerrrr!!! -starts singing- Butcha gotta have friends- "DONKEY!" -cough-
Thank you for putting up with your insane unnie's hyperactive spazzing all the time, and having to listen to my lame jokes in the morning when I was in HK and you were dead tired at night. XD I love yooh =)

Darkess dongsaeng
Pshhh Lee Iseul you bridge-angst-plot person!! XD I will forever remember you as the ghostly horrifying dongsaeng with the HARDEST PLOTS TO WRITE EVER. XD Kidding. It was a hard plot, but I had fun. I think the first time I met you was through your Behind the Scenes fic? XD I loved it, it was so cute. OH NO! It was Micah Choi's 'Vednetta'. XDDD
Anyhoo, whatever it was.
I'm glad I met yooh =)
You cares about me lifefuls! =) HAHA despite how you love ghosts and such -shivers- XD You reminded me to stay sane and true to my own life. And how I should stay home instead of running away and being suicidal. XD Thank yooh for listening and putting up with it. xDD AMBERRR, MADI LOVES YOOH =)

KIM Sookyung
I don't know what else is left to say; I've told you everything already. XD welllll. TAEMIN'S WIFEY LOVES JAEJOONG'S WIFEY!!! Thank you for...not sleeping and typing up this huge text the day I moved. I still have it, and I constantly reread it cause it reminds me that I am not alone. =) Remember that when you move, and remember that I am on the SAME CONTINENT as you. You're not alone, and don't be afraid of what the others over there say. Have fun when you're in HK, and when you get over to Canada, remember that you can call me anytime. You're not alone =) When the people over there talk about the things you're worried about, don't sweat about it and remember that it's just their opinion. Don't let them change who you really are inside, neh? It's okay to be different. =) I love you =)

Of course, not all of my unnies or dongsaengs are listed here. Just most of the ones on blogspot so it's easier for me to tell you guys just how much I appreciate and love you. Thank you for being there and caring so much about Yunni -bows- Yunni luffles yooh alllll!

Holy, Holy, is the Lord ALMIGHTY

2009-08-15T19:48:00.001-04:00

It's rising up, all around
It's the anthem of
The Lord's renown

And it's rising up, all around
It's the anthem of
The Lord's renown

===

I don't know where else to dump this, and so I shall blog here.
Relationships haven't been very nice to me lately. But as I was on my cousin's computer, trying to write up another chapter to one of the many fics I have out, I randomly played a song from Chris Tomlin, just for the sake of it- my school in HK was Christian, so I kinda missed that.

But when it got to the bridge...
It just hit me.

===

It's rising up, all around

It's rising up, all around...
It's the anthem of
The Lord's renown...

Emo Spasm

2009-08-13T07:50:00.000-04:00

Meowwwww.

Another random emo spazz. -sigh-

When is this going to end.

My dad had to go back to HK a couple of days ago because he had gallstones. They've been there for quite a while now, and it's been hurting really badly recently. He just finished two surgeries, yesterday and the day before.
I wonder how he's doing.

I don't actually hate my dad, you know? I may be pissed with him and go on a rant of how much I don't like it when he yells at me or whatever, but I really do care.

-sigh-

And then, curse imagination. Aiiiiiyaaaaaaaaa.
Breaks my heart -sniff-

...I really need to get my emotions under control.
_____________________________________________________

Kinda hard not to feel alone with everything like this going on...

> <

I Hate...

2009-08-02T19:12:00.000-04:00

I hate...
people nagging at me for no reason -coughMYDADcough-
Seriously. Ever since we moved to the States and even before, he's like...nagged and yelled at me RANDOMLY non-stop. Non-stop as in non-stop. There is no one day that goes by without him yelling at me, and I freaking HATE it.

He says he wants to talk to me.
I said before.
Yelling NEVER makes me talk. Good luck with that, Pops.

Wtl.
I miss HK so much. Miss my friends. -sigh-
Texting Song feels better though =p my new phone is so cool! XP

Winglin's being gay again, not...-cough- NOTHING, NOTHING...XD
Meh.

Life sucks right now.

I'll do the tags next post. When I have time. He's nagging. Again.

Into the New World

2009-07-28T11:15:00.000-04:00

Haha. I named this post 'Into the New World'. Ironic. XD HAHA

Meh. I am finally in the States. Where I don't belong. At ALL. > <> <

AeRi unnie
Sookyung unnie
Soomi/Sushi/Sashimi/Tempura
Naomi unnie
Shelley unnie
JiIn unnie
Yeonie unnie
Chazzie unnie

meoww. That's not even half the list. Song and Ana and Amber are over here though...somehow, that makes things bearable. Meoww.
I miss you guys so much T^T

Inspiration

2009-07-24T22:56:00.000-04:00

Copied from Song's blog...

Did you know that there is a FORMULA used for movies like HP, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Eragon etc.??

It was discovered by a man named Joseph Campbell.

This is what he learned after studying all different mythologies for about 75 years of his life.

"Follow your bliss and don't be afraid and doors will open where you thought there were only walls."

This inspired me.
If I have my own dream and vision, I just have to keep pressing towards it, right? Even if I like, suck at stuff, just work hard, neh? Even if I don't have the natural talent like my brother does, I just have to keep going?

That's what I'm gonna do.

===

Love to AeRi unnie, Darkess dongsaeng, Soomi, and to PARK SONGYEE, I love you guys to DEATH!

I don't give a damn. So what?

2009-07-24T11:15:00.000-04:00

Know what it's like to stand silently at your parents' doorway for 50 minutes straight just listening to your dad yell the f*ck out of you?

Well, I do.

And guess what?

I don't give a damn anymore. If they think that I don't care about my family or the things I do, have it their way. They can think I don't care. I know my own issues and I know who I am, thank you very much.

They can yell at me all they want; I can keep quiet.
I know what I'm missing and I know my own issues.

Told you before, nagging at a teen never makes her talk.

Well. Fack my life.

I don't care about it anymore.

<3

2009-07-20T09:52:00.000-04:00

SOOMI, YUNNI LUFFLES YOOH!

Why?

Layout =D

Even though I bought her the 2pm CD. Didn't have to.

BUT I LOVE YOU AND I LOVE THE LAYOUT =D

Thank you<3 ^^

TAEMIN HUBBY, SAENGIL CHUKAHAMNIDA~!

2009-07-18T11:47:00.001-04:00

I ACTUALLY MADE IT HOME AND GOT ONLINE! WOOT!!!
TAEMIN HUBBY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! =D

Saengil chukahamnida~

=)

Now. Picspam? Nawww. Edited pics? Yesh. 16 avies, 2 banners, and 1 wallpaper =)
(Non-existent person: Yunni PHAILED at the poster.
Yunni: SHHH!)

Happy birthday, TaeMin yobu~ XDDD Sweet sixteen, baby.

If anyone takes, please credit Yunni@NiiixReplay, neh?

其實...

2009-07-08T08:32:00.000-04:00

我沒有什麽好説的 XD

只是沒有用中文打過blog而已...你可以說我是在吹牛, 浪費時間. XDDD

唉...救命啊...

今天有好多事情發生...winglin, blogger, MSN, dr34mz...我忙到不得了...

唉~ 想一想, 今天已經是七月八號了...我二十七號要離開香港...

時間過得很快.

這幾年我過得很開心，是真的. 在香港學到很多美國學不到的東西, 認識了很多不可思議的朋友. 如果我可以不走的話就好了...

你知道嗎...其實我一直都不想走...是爸媽說爲了我好才會回美國住. 我想問的是, 就算為我自己好...如果我不開心的話，這算什麽? 如果我在這邊沒有可以跟我溝通的人，這算什麽? 如果我在美國沒有夢想的話，這算什麽?

我的一切就在香港. 爲什麽我偏偏要走...我有很多朋友想去外國讀書但他們卻不能. 爲什麽我擁有這個能力, 但是我不想要? 爲什麽偏偏是我要做其他人想做的東西?

在美國出了讀書和我的家人以外, 我什麽都沒有. 在這邊, 我沒什麽好朋友. 我沒有夢想.

那我爲什麽要回去?

我想要的都在香港. 雖然我以前是住在美國, 但是...但是現在，美國對我來說只是一個地方. 香港才是我的家. 在香港我什麽都有- 我有朋友, 有夢想, 有一個方向. 美國...又怎麽比得上呢?

=

미안해...I started writing and I got carried away. - -

=)

2009-07-07T00:42:00.000-04:00

Because I realize that I didn't have everyone who was there for me tagged, I'm going to make another post.

PARK SONGYEEEEEEEE~!!!! I WUFF YOOHS!

...This post is dedicated to her because I got semi-depressed over her post at her blog - -
Guhh.
Stupid SATs ruining our summer and junior year.
Parents ruling over our lives and re-living their lives through ours.
Stupid diet banning meh from a choco milk a day.

...Sowwies, that was just off topic.
...
Meow.

But remember we're here for each other, neh?

=)

=

Again; to
SUSHI<3
Ana<3
Naomi<3
AeRi unnie<3
Darkess<3

Ni Kim luffles you guys.

Because...

2009-07-06T08:59:00.000-04:00

Because Soomi said she couldn't stand seeing muh depressing post on top, she told me to update.

...

So here I am, updating. LOL.

So busy...I have a whole list of things to do:

-update Devil
-update Everything
-attempt to update My Shining Life
-poster for Song's Secret Haven
-poster for Challenged Love
-poster for PL4YL1ST on Replay
-poster for AeRi unnie's new fic
-graphic for Naomi unnie's birthday
-graphic for Ana =)
-TaeMin's birthday stuff =)

Guhhhh. So busy.
Life is...okay la...

I think the fight with the parents seemed to have dropped, but it's from time to time. -sigh- Weeeeeelllllll. Guess I'll have to pretend to be a good girl before Song and I get into JYP or something. Meow. = =

===

Special shout out and thank yous to:

Tempura/The Sushi <3 for cheering meh up
AeRi unnie <3 for being there
Naomi unnie <3 for reminding me not to do anything stupid
Ana dongsaeng <3 for being you
Darkess dongsaseng <3 for making meh laugh
Min Min unnie <3 for MSN
Khlaren <3 for being a support
Sookyung <3 for being cool and being there