This is so stupid.

I was dancing just now...and suddenly, I thought about a friend's friend who was going to audition in the NY SM auditions. I think she auditioned today.
But...just suddenly...this wave of...something hit me.

Disappointment.
Jealousy.
Anger.
Discouragement.

And suddenly, I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed all the bad things about me. About my appearance and dance skills (which I have none). About my personality and characteristics.
I started comparing myself to her.

Why does she get to try out for SM, even though it's all fun to her?
Why does she get to have fun while others take it as a lifelong dream- and they're not even given the chance to audition?

I'm disappointed in a lot of things.
I'm jealous because she gets a chance and I don't.
I'm angry at myself because I'm letting so many things break me down.
I'm discouraged because I'm just not good enough.

I thought I had put the dream behind me somewhere so that it wasn't my first priority anymore. I thought I reminded myself time and again that I was going to let God open the doors.
But...it still doesn't stop the sadness from coming. What if she made it into SM?
She gets to be a celebrity. She gets what I've wanted my entire life.

Did I mention that her favorite SHINee member was TaeMin?

Gawd...> < Why is this so hard?
I was in the middle of Into the New World when I suddenly just wanted to stop dancing. My voice cracked while I sang, and I kept going off key. My limbs were stiff when I tried to dance to the music.
By the time I finished and was moving onto Amigo, I just wanted to stop. And I did- but right in the middle of the song. I didn't even want to finish it.

And suddenly, I wanted to cry.

I've been so tired lately. Everything's happening- my SAT subject test scores just came out (highest 790, lowest 430), my school grades aren't helping me, my best friend had something bad happen to him and I wasn't there in time, my cousin and her friends are different, my friend's changed so much, and I've been getting pissed off at every little thing.

I am so, so tired. I want to hijack a plane and go somewhere to get rid of it all.

SATs are coming up next Saturday, and I don't know how I'm going to handle it, with all the school projects and assignments...all the review requests and all the friend problems...

I don't know what to do...