"Death must be so peaceful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace."

I have never wanted to die more in my life. I can't believe I cried in front of Elora and Alec and Taylor.

So, band camp 2013 actually went off to a fairly good start. It felt so good to be back at school with friends and to just be in an environment I know, one I love and gives me so much joy. To just see everyone again after a few long months, and to give me something routinely to do.

As much as we laughed through indoor rehearsal, drill practice, sectionals, BYOM, and the trips to Taylor's after we finished, I can't help but take into account the dark storm cloud that loomed overhead this year. To be honest, every day I felt like I was suffocating. It was pure suicide to walk into the band room every day knowing exactly what I was going to see there and what I would have to face. Every single day. Initially, I told myself that I was going to be okay. That everything would be fine. That I would just have to keep it up and it would be okay.

After four, five days of bottling it up, I finally let it loose after a short exchange of two sentences. I couldn't help it. Everyone was discussing plans for tonight and tomorrow when we sat outside, and I just couldn't pay attention. The only thing I was aware of was the drowning feeling, the suffocation, the separation. All of a sudden, I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I went over to Elora, who I thank God for constantly, and just cried. She gently played with my hair and rubbed my back as I let out all the frustration and the pains and hurts the past four days. Taylor and Alec were there too; Alec didn't say anything, but he's still awesome. Taylor is another amazing friend who gave me a shoulder as well. Then we had pancakes at Taylor's because he made some, and then a three-hour friend sesh commenced, but Alec had to leave at around 12 =[ Elora and I left the apartment at about 2. Walking back to my room just now, I realized something.

I was dead. Just...dead. Inside.

I felt nothing. Nothing but pain, at least. I felt like a walking corpse. I remember he told me once after his first girlfriend, he was emotionally dead, and I had saved him even though I had no idea what he needed or what was happening. Well, isn't he the lucky one then. Because...no one is going to catch me like what happened those years ago. I realized that...as dead as I was, as I am, on the inside...that if he was happy and this was the way things were going to play out, so be it. I can't bring myself to care anymore. I can't care enough to pick myself up and check for a pulse. It was going to be another year of forgetting my birthday and all the promises made. It was going to be another year of pain. I feel like I've been depressed for so long that it's become a companion more than an inhibitor. I am so tired. Just so tired. I love my friends so much. God has richly blessed me with my family, a home, my friends, the beautiful weather, band, school, and so many other things.

But...this year...I wish I were dead. And I mean, if I get candles, that's my wish. And they would all clap without knowing it.