You know...I'm really dumb. It's never hit me until now what the show meant and what it stood for. The whole time, I've been blind to the point of the title. Sure, it's about a time-traveling madman in a box who has companions and goes on the most ridiculous adventures, saving cultures and planets and lives of peoples and things, over and over again. It's about heroism and morality and decision-making. It's about action and adventure and fun.

But it's also about consequences. It's also about saying goodbye and taking responsibility. It's about knowing and finding out who you are.

Everyone on the show always asks, "Doctor who?" I always assumed that they were asking for a name. Which, in fact, they were, but it's more than that. It took me until Eleven to realize that they weren't just asking for a name- they were asking who he was. A name encompasses much, everything it stands for is in that name. Such as the Doctor, the name he picked for himself. The Doctor, for so many, symbolize hope. His name, whispered among the different galaxies, carry dread for his enemies, and relief for those who are in need of help. The sound of the TARDIS' engines have become a beacon, a sound that meant hope was coming. That the darkness was about to be defeated. It's taken me this long to realize that the Doctor, though he knows his name, he hides it in places nobody knows, losing it in the folds of time because not only does he want to forget, but in fact, he doesn't even really know who he is. Over nine hundred years of traveling the stars and he still has no idea who he is.

So he drops his name and picks a new name for himself- the Doctor- and builds up that name, lives by it every day. The Doctor is an alien, a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey in the constellation Kasterborous. But he is so much more than that. In every situation he is put in, he faces different questions of morality, making decisions that have heavy consequences at every turn.
"That's the choice, Donna. Pompeii or the world." - Ten
Through all his experiences, he reminds those around him, reminds me, what it means to be human, to be humane, ironically, through his Gallifreyan nature. He knows and has so much experience, and so he uses that to set an example. He seeks adventure. He defeats evil and stands for what is right. He knows that ownership doesn't mean power, but privilege.
"You're a genius. You're stone-cold brilliant, you are, I swear, you really are. But you could be so much more. You could be beautiful. With a mind like that, we could travel the stars. It would be my honor. Because you don't need to own the universe, just see it. To have the privilege of seeing the whole of time and space. That's ownership enough." - Ten, to the Master
At the point of death, he is self-sacrificial and will do whatever it takes to save those around him.
"I'm sorry. Look, just leave me."
"Okay, right then, I will. Because you had to go in there, didn't you? You had to go in there and get stuck, oh yes. Because that's who you are, Wilfred. You were always this, waiting for me all this time."
"No, really, just leave me. I'm an old man, Doctor, I've had my time."
"Well exactly, look at you, not remotely important. But me...I could do so much more. So much more! But this is what I get. My reward. But it's not fair! ...Oh...I've lived too long."
"No. No, no, please, please don't. No, don't, don't, please don't...please!"
"Wilfred...it's my honor." - Ten and Wilfred

"Because it's impossible and you're my impossible girl. How many times have you saved me, Clara? Just this once, just for the hell of it, let me save you. You have to trust me, Clara, I'm real. Just one more step." - Eleven to Clara
Eleven jumped into his own timestream to save her, even though it would collapse on itself. All the things he does for people, and hardly any of them notice, much less thank him. Thankless, the Doctor is, saving others again and again and again.
"His name is the Doctor. He has saved your lives so many times and you never even knew he was there. He never stops. He never stays. He never asks to be thanked." - Martha
As Ten's story wore on, it became more burdened, more emphasized. And whenever someone was about to die or something bad was to happen to them, he would always say, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." not in a pitiful way, but in a genuine, heart-wrenching way. At the end of his life, he goes and collects his reward, his silent reward- seeing all his companions for the last time. Saving Martha and Mickey from a Sontaran, saving Luke and seeing Sarah Jane in the distance, leaving Jack a note at a bar about Alonzo with a look, and then going to Donna's wedding, giving her a lottery ticket bought with a pound he had borrowed from her late father while exchanging a look with Wilf. Then, finally, finally, he goes back to the Powell Estate to see his beloved Rose Tyler for the last time, before she even met him.

Perhaps the best and hardest thing about Ten was that he had too many companions. He had such a big family and so many people who love him, but he had to say too many goodbyes. That's one thing I learned from him; how to say goodbye. Eleven hated them; he tore out the last pages of the books he read because he hated endings. He hated saying goodbye. But he gets it, at the end. He says, "If it's time to go, remember what you're leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me."
Ten...over and over, he's had to say goodbye. To Reinette, to Astrid, to those who had died, to the Master, and to his companions, over and over again. He's had to say goodbye to Rose Tyler twice, once because he had no choice, and the other because he had to. Rose Tyler, the girl who helped heal his wounds from the Time War and made him a better person, the girl he truly loved. When he banished Tentoo into the parallel world, Rose had to stay there to help him like she helped the original Doctor.
"But he's...still not you."
"He needs you. That's very me." - Ten and Rose
And both times, both times saying goodbye, he was unable to tell her how he really felt.
"When I last stood on this beach, on the worst day of my life...what did you say to me?"
"I said, 'Rose Tyler...'"
"Yeah, and how was that sentence going to end?"
"Does it need saying?" - Ten and Rose
That was part of the riddle of his being...just like Peter Pan, being unable to fully understand love. But as a Time Lord, though he was able to understand, to feel and to give, he was unable to stay.
"I don't age. I regenerate. But humans decay; you wither and you die. Imagine watching that happen to someone you-"
"What, Doctor?"
"You can spend the rest of your life with me. But I can't spend the rest of mine with you. I have to live on, alone. That's the curse of the Time Lords." - Ten and Rose
Losing Rose once was bad enough. How did it feel to lose her again, and to lose her to himself, no less? How many times do you have to see the people you love walk away?

And still, sometimes, he didn't have a chance, a choice to say goodbye. Reinette died before he could get back through the time window. She left him a letter instead, leaving him to mourn as he saw her hearse pull away from Versailles. Donna Noble, though he was able to say goodbye...it didn't count, not really. He had to wipe his best friend's mind, all traces of his memory and her travels with him.
"I just want you to know, there are worlds out there, safe in the sky because of her. There are people living in the light, singing songs of Donna Noble, a thousand, million light years away. They will never forget her...while she can never remember. And for one moment, one shining moment...she was the most important woman in the whole universe." - Ten
It broke his hearts, leaving his best friend. When he left the house, she only waved him away while chattering on the phone. Ten's loneliness towards the end was incredibly emphasized. After Martha left the TARDIS, there was one scene where he's studying something on the control panel and he's just rattling away before looking up and realizing no one was there. And still, another scene where the audience sees him, panning across the TARDIS control room and he's just looking, his eyes distant, lonely. Time and time again, he's been told he needed someone there. Donna's told him, Martha's told him...and in his Eleventh regeneration, Amy and River have both told him.
"There's a lot of things you need to get across this universe. Warp drive, wormhole refractors...you know the one thing you need most of all? You need a hand to hold." - Ten to Rose
The Doctor's companions remind him always to be human through the Time Lord- with all his experience, all his authority over the laws of time and space, his companions keep him humane. Maybe that's why I loved Rose so much as a companion. Rose and Donna. They were the human to the Time Lord. In Love&Monsters, when Ten was telling the Abzorbaloff he could absorb Elton, the look from Rose really got me. She's not super worried about him really not caring what happens to Elton, because she knew that he knew better and would save him in the end, but she was still there, ready to swoop in if something went wrong.

Goodbyes are never easy, but you have to learn to say them anyway. And that's what Ten did, all his life, until the very end. His final reward after visiting Rose was given to him by Ood Sigma-
"We will sing to you, Doctor. The universe will sing you to your sleep. This song is ending, but the story never ends." 
All that he had done had not gone uncredited. The universe remembers.

To be fair, Eleven also had come to this realization after speaking with River in Trenzalore. He learned how to say goodbye, not just to others- but to himself, something Ten never really came to terms with. He knew he had to keep looking ahead though it hurt. Sure, it took him a bit of time; he had a grunge phase (his words, not mine) after he lost Amy and Rory and before he met Clara. Goodbyes slowed Ten down emotionally, as strong as he is, as much as he didn't show it, as Eleven did not bother with them. But then, at the very end, he said to Clara...
"We all change when you think about it. We're all different through our lives. And that's okay, that's good. You've got to keep moving. As long as you remember all the people you used to be. I will not forget one line of this, I swear." - Eleven

And again, the universe didn't forget.
"Raggedy man...good night." - Amy to Eleven

One more thing that really struck me about Ten that Eleven didn't emphasize was mercy. He always, always gave his enemies a choice. He even ran and hid from the Family of Blood because he didn't want to fight them.
"He never raised his voice. That was the worst thing...the fury of the Time Lord. And then we discovered why. Why this Doctor, who had fought with gods and demons, why he had run away from us and hidden. He was being kind."
Ten made a point of this. He gave a choice to the Sontarans when they attacked Earth. He gave a choice to Davros, even though he tried to destroy the TARDIS and Donna with it, trued to destroy the whole of reality with the Reality Bomb, and emotionally tormented the Doctor. He still held out his hand in mercy. In The Last of the Time Lords, when the Master was shooting at him, the Doctor said, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." after everything the Master has put him through, after the betrayal of his childhood friend, the Doctor still said the three most important words in all of creation, even more than "I love you" (maybe except for "I have food"): "I forgive you."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"Then I'll kill them!" [The Doctor stops him from killing Martha's family] "You can't do this! You can't do...it's not fair!"
"And you know what happens now!"
"No!"
"You wouldn't listen. Because you know what I'm going to say..."
[The Master huddles in the corner, hiding his face. The Doctor approaches the Master and puts his arms around him gently]
"I forgive you." - Ten and the Master

And the Master didn't want to hear it. He shirked away, he completely crumpled up. Even in The End of Time, after the Doctor had been taken hostage, he still said to the Master, "I wonder what I'd be without you."

But what both Ten and Eleven had passed on was courage. Courage to always stand up and fight, courage to stay even when others run.
"Listen. There's one thing you need to know about traveling with me. Well, one thing apart from the blue box and two hearts. We never walk away." - Eleven to Clara
So did Nine. Courage to do what is right.
"Then prove yourself, Doctor. What are you, coward or killer?"
"Coward, any day." - Nine and the Daleks
They never faltered, even when they were terrified, even when there was no foreseeable way out. Nine sent Rose home with the TARDIS, stranding himself with the Daleks in The Parting of Ways. Ten in The Last of the Time Lords, Journey's End, The End of Time, and so many other episodes, and Eleven in, again, so many episodes, especially when he was on Trenzalore. Nine protected Rose in the end, sending her back home though it would leave him defenseless. Eleven did the same for Clara in The Time of the Doctor; he sent her and the TARDIS back home though he also programmed for it to return to him. Yet he never left Christmas; he stayed there, defending it for over three hundred years.

Though I didn't grow up with this show, it's opened my perspective up a lot too. Ironically, a Time Lord and his companions helped me understand just a little more about what it is to be human. That begs the question, what does it mean to be human? We go through different experiences- is that what defines us? The choices we make? Our history? For so long, the Doctor defined himself by what he did to Gallifrey on the last day of the Time War- he burned Gallifrey, killing both Time Lords and Daleks alike to do what he believed was right- to save the rest of the universe. He became a man burdened with guilt and shame over his actions, full of blood and anger and self-loathing (well, that was more manifested in Eleven than anyone else). I suppose that in the end, there are two things- our nature and the choices we make. Both are important. We are selfish, but we don't have to be. We are vengeful, but we don't have to be. We are curious, but we can show restraint. Perfection is out of our reach, but we can admit it when we mess up. Mercy and grace are so precious to us because that is not something we naturally possess- at least, not stronger than self-preservation.

Also, I struggled a lot with goodbyes this past year (well, and the years before that, but really more this year). I never know when or how to say them, because it hurts. It hurts because even though they're gone, some of them, I still can't bring myself to say it. I suppose in that way, I'm like Eleven, Eleven and his last encounter with River.
"How are you even doing that? I'm not really here."
"You're always here to me. And I always listen. And I can always see you."
"Then why didn't you speak to me?"
"Because I thought it would hurt too much. And I was right."
-
"It's hard to leave when you haven't said goodbye."
"Then tell me, because I don't know. How do I say it?"
It struck me that his saying goodbye to River was the first goodbye Eleven ever really said. If you look into his eyes after River faded, he comes to accept that through the pain. He still pressed on, as he should. He found new strength. But how? How do I say goodbye? How can I bring myself to leave, because I'm scared that one day, one day they'll need someone, and there's no one left? Because one day, I may be able to help them with whatever they need. Be there for them. How can I bring myself to close doors on so many memories and tuck them away in some dark corner of a dusty basement to never be looked at ever again? How can my heart not cave in every time I look at them? Then again, I could be like Two. The second Doctor (I know, I've never watched Classic Who, but hear me out).
"You probably can't remember your family."
"Oh yes, I can when I want to. And that's the point, really. I have to really want to, to bring them back in front of my eyes. The rest of the time...they sleep in my mind, and I forget. And so will you. Oh yes, you will. You'll find there is so much else to think about. To remember. Our lives are different to anybody else's. That's the exciting thing, that nobody in the universe can do what we're doing." - Two and Victoria

I should mention that I took a personality quiz for New Who, and I got Ten. Apparently. It made my day. And here's what it said-
"Oh you snazzy Time Lord, you. All of time and space couldn't contain your spirit. You dance through life with a charm and humor all your own, but pity the fool (and especially the alien) who mistakes your silliness with foolishness. Your humor masks a cold cleverness and a steely resolve for justice."
Ten has had his fair share of goodbyes, and all of them painful. He is the one Doctor who should always have a companion, because he needs that hand to hold. Of course, he can manage by himself, but he should never be left alone long. He's clever, he's independent and excited, but he's also who he is. Born out of love, that's what he needs though he acts like such a lonely man. Sarah Jane said that to him- "You act like such a lonely man, but you have the biggest family on Earth." I loved Ten so much, for all that he had faced and the decisions he made because of it, for staying true to who he was though he's been battered and broken over and over again. He made the best of things, and he coped. I can be like that too.

I loved Nine because though he was guilt-ridden and angry, blood boiling from the Time War and its aftermath, he still managed to change and do what was right. Because of the war, he tried to stay peaceful, to be merciful. I loved Ten because he understood what it was all about. Because he understood that there was a delicate balance in everything. He literally had the whole universe at his fingertips, and yet he stayed grounded to what he knew was right (maybe except The Waters of Mars, but he tried. And that was a powerful line, his "It's taken me all these years to realize the laws of time are mine, and they will obey me!") And that's what Rose and Donna were there for. So many people say that he was the most human of all the Doctor's regenerations, and I think they're right (not just because he was born of love). Love, family, hope, loss, rationality, anger. All of these things, all of them, he had. I loved Eleven because he was so relatable. I didn't like him in the beginning because he had regressed so much from Ten in terms of mercy, in terms of firm morals- self-preservation seemed to be more important. But as he grew more comfortable being the Doctor, as he found himself with harder questions and challenges, he grew up, and I grew with him. His most difficult challenge? Saying goodbye. And he overcame that, in the very end. With the Ponds and River and Clara, but most importantly, himself.

One of the most used quotes from the entirety of this show- "Nobody important? Blimey, that's amazing. You know that in nine hundred years of time and space, I've never met anybody who wasn't important before." - Eleven - is so loved because it's so inspiring. I think that ironically, in so many ways, the Doctor had the hardest time learning this lesson. He thinks highly of his companions and ordinary, every day people who just live their lives. But he never thought this of himself (also, let's keep in mind that The Day of the Doctor hasn't happened yet, and so he is still super guilt-ridden and shameful about destroying Gallifrey). That's what I love about this show. It's not so much about the adventures as it is knowing the Answer to the Question, the oldest question in the universe.

"Listen to me, you lot. Listen! Help him change the future. Do it. Do something. You've been asking a question. And it's time someone told you you've been getting it wrong. His name, his name is the Doctor. All the name he needs. Everything you need to know about him. And if you love him, and you should, help him. Help him." - Clara

So...Doctor Who?