I was on the "pain is in the mind" tag on tumblr because I wanted to find something Inception-related...

What I found, instead, was a page full of depression.

Now, I'm not saying that depression is worthless or that it isn't real. Quite the opposite. I've been there too, I can empathize.

But at the same time, I couldn't help but feel a little annoyed at all the depressing posts that had filled the page. A lot of them begged for it to stop, and a single thought ran through my head-
I had learned not to beg, because it will never stop unless you stand up and do something about it. I know that some days, the hardest thing to do is to convince yourself to get out of bed. And other days, the most difficult challenge is to look up, to not look at the ground when you walk. And sometimes, you can't, and you spend two weeks all day walking around and looking down.

For the first time, I was horrified when I saw a post about cutting. It was a picture of those plastic pencil sharpeners we all loved in elementary school. It said, "remember when these were only used to sharpen pencils?"

I feel terrible writing all of this. It makes it sound like I don't understand. It makes it sound like I don't care, like I can't sympathize or empathize when I assure you, it is the complete opposite. Then again, I had come to a realization today getting out of depression.

I think that a big part of healing is to be okay with yourself. You have to love yourself. I heard on K-Love today, as a reminder, that it's not quite possible to love others. Not quite because you won't understand what love is, but that you get burnt out. By not having self-love, you burn out easily trying to love others. That's not giving them or yourself the full capacity of love that you can give them, and it starts with you.

And then again, there's also the past few weeks.

I feel like my heart is slowly turning into stone. I've been busy and tired, and I've barely had the chance to stop and just...breathe. I haven't had much downtime from band camp onwards, and with work, school, band, and my family, it is so...difficult to balance my time. Sometimes, I feel like a robot working via autopilot. It's so difficult, because I'm becoming so detached to everything.

When that happens, I thank God for Kristine and Nick, because on my birthday a few weeks ago, they gave me card saying that they were thankful for being my friend. Kristine told me to remember that I touch others with my enormous heart...it's something I hold on to when I feel that hardening, that petrifying feeling. When I lose sense of emotion, I remember that to bring myself back.

I will not compromise those around me for my emotions.