[Imported from my livejournal]


Second day of school, the person who sat in front of me in my Creative Writing class was talking about a website full of comics that bashed just about everyone. Then, he said, "You should have seen the one with Jesus. It was epic!"

I was so mad.

I don't know how to explain it- I was just burning inside.

Recently, my relationship with God hasn't been very good. I've been doing things I shouldn't, been swearing and all those other things. I barely spend any time with Him, and all I care about is the computer, Korean artists, or my dancing.

I realize that I've never really made any time for Him.

My online friend, a Christian- she just got back from a church retreat. She told me about how her questions were answered, how her worries were lessened, and how she became a changed person after that experience. As I read about the things she mentioned, about how Jesus was murdered for us- murdered. He didn't just die. He was murdered. About how his beloved children were mocking him as he was carrying his cross.

Then she wrote about how a woman prayed for her. A woman who God spoke through; she spoke in tongues, and in her prayers with my friend, she addressed the things that she had never told anyone before.
She wrote about how she felt like a changed person. She wrote about the changes that took place inside of her, about her closer relationship with God.

I was jealous.

There wasn't anyone here who are supports as such. God didn't and doesn't talk to me in that way. I wanted to feel like someone changed, too.

I almost started to cry.

I realized that I haven't been spending time with God at all- sure, I prayed at night. But I didn't take time to spend with Him, to meditate on His word. I was doing things that He doesn't like, and yet, I still say that I struggle to be a better Christian. I haven't been basing my life around Him, and He's telling me that through something my friend experienced with Him.

With Him.

It's a slap on the face.

My friend; she said that she no longer worried about the singing career she had wanted for so long. She no longer worried about her obsessions with some band in Korea.

I want to be the same. I want to give my life up to God and let Him take control of who I'm going to be, to let Him guide me instead of following my own instincts, to spend time with Him every day. I want to not be so obsessed with my singer dream and I want to know what He wants me to be instead. I don't want to listen to myself answer my own questions anymore. I want to listen to His answers.

Labels: God