So. So. So sick of this crap.

Okay, so recap of what happened this week:
-I got ditched by so-called "friends" for another girl who plays bball on the team and got a question I didn't understand
-Precalc test was horrible; think I failed it
-Literally failed Spanish IV test
-Realized that my friends don't need me when it really comes down to the bottom of things
-Everyone around me is freaking immature and needs to grow up
-MY MOM.

I don't deserve the crap I get. Then again, I don't deserve a lot at all. I don't deserve God's love and grace. I don't deserve Jesus's sacrifice. And I don't deserve all the crap I get from other people just because they're retarded.

So YG was making my week look up until basketball. Like, I was playing ball with the guys as usual until Brandon rolled his ankle and something exploded so he had to sit...ran to get him ice and Praisee helped me...
Anyway, so then it was Jacob, Peter, and me vs. all. At first, it was okay. Then I guess they just got into the game and I guess I just felt like I was back at CAIS, playing ball in the morning with guys who are absolute retards and need to grow up and NOT THINK THEY'RE FREAKING SITTING ON TOP OF THE WORLD BECAUSE THEY'RE GUYS AND THEY THINK THEY'RE SO GOOD AT EVERYTHING.
Back to the point.
I guess I kind of felt like I was back there, playing ball again where guys all hogged the ball and never lets you do anything just because you're a girl and you suck at everything that's outside of the kitchen (for everyone who agrees with that, screw you). So...Idk...maybe it was a relapse of emotion or maybe I was just overreacting, but after that horrible, horrible shot I made, I guess I was just thinking to myself, "Wow...you suck...at everything...first singing, you're horrible and Christie and Anne are the singers you can never be. Then at chem; you're supposed to know all this stuff. Why can't you do better in precalc and Spanish!? Now basketball? You're such a failure."
Yeah. Before YG started and everyone was outside, I went into the MPR by myself to wallow in self-pity about how I'm such a fail when HeeHee came in and I guess he was just sitting there for moral support. Thanks, Steven.

Then...-sigh- bball...I guess I just stood around...even when I was wide open, I had nothing to do. It was always Jacob Peter, Peter Jacob. I guess I started feeling bitter? Like...this little voice said to me, "They don't need you. You're horrible. They're so much better at basketball. you don't make a difference. You suck at this because you're a girl and you can't play for sh*t." I guess I thought back, "Well, I don't need them either. I bet they wouldn't care if I walked out."
You know what? I was right. I walked out for a while, praying that my mom would come pick me up already and miraculously, she appeared behind me.

So I walked back into the MPR and I felt like crying because I was so totally right. I watched them play ball and thought, "Yeah. You were right. They didn't notice. Didn't care at all. They don't need me. I don't need them."
That was painful. I was so torn because I knew that I didn't really mean it, but it was like the feelings that the little voice talking to me kind of transferred over into my body and made me feel really bitter about it. I was about to start crying even when I saw Peter just...I thought he was walking over to give me a hug and say bye, you know? Maybe ask why I just left like that. Nope; I look back and he was busy playing ball. Thanks.
Then he comes over later after I HINT HINT HINT stare at him for like, 2 minutes.
Whatever...
I didn't hug him back when he hugged me...I guess I felt incomplete leaving like that so I just went over to give him a hug.

I complained to my mom in the car and said that I'd rather die now so I can be in Heaven and be with God so I don't have to put up with all this crap. Then my mom said no = =

I AM NOT SUICIDAL.

Anyway. So I get home and spend some time with my mom while drinking lemon honey water and go upstairs to blog when she comes over and I say, "5 minutes."
Well. So she left me alone and when my siblings started crying, I went downstairs to check it out and she did too. I finished, came back upstairs to start blogging again when she gets mad at ME for not shutting it down in "5 minutes" and says that instead of picking me up at 9 tomorrow at Cary for Jennifer's competition, she's picking me up at 8. BECAUSE SHE'S EFFING MAD AT ME. WHAT THE FK. Jennifer's show doesn't start until 8:50.

One of the things I told her about in the car was how I originally wanted to go to either UCLA or NCSU. I told her I'd rather go to UCLA to get to know a new environment and people so I wouldn't have to put up with this crap at home.
Idk. I just don't want to be here.

See how my week was horrible? Yeah. Thanks.

Other than that beautiful day yesterday when I got to spend some time studying outside and spending time with God =p that was the...only highlight of my week. Thanks = =