"I just want my best friend back."
"It'll be a long while before that happens."
"I know."

I know. Embarking on this mission as seeing you as nothing more than a brother in Christ has a purpose- I know it is the very foundation of everything. I know this is what God wants. And I want to see you as a brother in Christ. But it's just gotten so hard. Auntie Christine talked to me today, just to check up on me and see how I am. She asked if I still had that emotional baggage with me, and the truth is, it's just hard to entirely be free of all that stuff after so long. People take a long time to heal, and I am no exception, but I know I've come a long way these several months and I'm proud of it. Worship is the way I connect to God the most, so I poured my heart out into it. I can honestly say I've learned a lot and I've grown a lot, spiritually from worship, from His Word, from others. I don't know how you did it, how you "healed" or distanced yourself but seeing you in this state shatters my already-shredded heart. Neglect, intentionally inflicting pain on others- this isn't you, and you know it isn't what Christ called you to do. I'm not preaching at you, but I want to tell you that you're meant for so much more. I have no idea what's going on in your life, but I know God does. And I know that if you really let go of everything and open your heart to Him, He will guide you. I'm still praying for you, as are many others. God has said to trust your loved ones to Him, and that's a part of the hope I'm holding on to. I know He'll take care of you, much better than I can ever hope to.
It's just been hard on me because of the amount of neglect and hate I'm getting from you and your/my "friends." It's not fun and it hurts so much more than you know. It's hard for me to see you all, and to put up with it and wonder what exactly I did to you to cause you to hate me like this. I ask, but you never tell me. I'm still hoping for an answer. Maybe we can resolve this. Things can change for the better, only if you let it. But these things hurt, and there were a good several times where I was so borderline on giving up and just...I don't even know. There were so many days where I wished a truck would just run me over and just let me be in Heaven already. There were (and are) so many times where I wonder if you knew neglect and hurt could cause death. Now, please understand that I'm not trying to guilt trip you in any way; I just wanted to share something with you. Tuesday was one of those days after the initial adrenaline of blading with friends. God put Isaiah 43 as my devotions that day, and it just refreshed me so much and gave me so much hope. For the first time in a long time, I felt completely carefree and joyful and at ease. Noticed. Maybe you could check that passage out sometime, even though you hate reading. I know He's looking after me and He'll continue to guide me as I walk and grow. I know He'll do the same for you. Let go of bitterness and hurt, and if it helps you, you know I'm there if you ever wanted to talk about it.