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o1. The name is Moni
o2. finalfantasyx.tumblr.com / equidistant-parallax.tumblr.com
o3. Currently 21
o4. Loves God, band, basketball, singing, dancing, writing
o5. Hates stuff
o6. I ♥ NCSU PowerSound =)
o7. Link me!


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Self-Reflections...from a friend.
DATE:Friday, January 11, 2013 TIME:{1:07 AM} COMMENTS:
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Dawn: :(
  so, then why does she affect you so strongly?
  or would she*
 me: Joanna?
11:30 PM Dawn: mmhmm
 me: maybe I never fully forgave her for what she did. she basically cyberbullied me. she was mean and she basically encouraged Peter going behind my back.
11:31 PM because I was the one who lost him, not her.
  because she didn't have to go through an entire year and more of just raw pain, having her entire foundation shaken.
11:32 PM because after evreything, she still had him as a friend and she didn't even have to work for it. None of the girls have to. None of them except for me. He hangs out and talks with all of them except for me. they just automatically have his friendship. And all I want is my friend back...
11:33 PM Dawn: that'd make a lot of sense ... but you were never angry at her before, why now?
 me: I think I always have been....
11:34 PM I just haven't brought it up in a long time
11:35 PM Dawn: mmm... things always have a way of sneaking back to us, huh? hahaha.. kinda sucks.
11:36 PM me: yeah...
  =\
  it's like...he's like hugging and talking to Grace Parker now and he hadn't for the longest time and denied he ever liked her/was ever involved and stuff. It's like...everyone BUT me
  everything is everyone BUT me with him
11:37 PM it's always been hurtful, and after a while, it's just downright annoying
  and then just seeing all of them together, talking, laughing, hanging out...Idk. I feel alienated.
  goes back to feeling lonely again
11:38 PM Dawn: I'm really sad that he's doing this to you ... and I think he's doing it because he feels as if he can't let himself give into you. His pride doesn't allow him to accept your grace to him.
11:39 PM because ... it's been a year and a half. It's been a long time. And still, all you want is your friend back. you want him to be happy, you want him to love God. You want him to grow. And you are curbing all your desires for you away so that he can be happy.
11:40 PM you still care, and he knows that. I'm sure he knows that very well. but it's your love and your grace that makes it so hard ... because it's just too good to be true. because accepting it would mean he would have to face all the crap that he put you through. he'd have to acknowledge it, and forgive himself for doing it.
11:41 PM ... does that make sense..?
 me: yeah it does
11:43 PM I mean he actually talks to me now on Tuesday nights and stuff...but nothing more. I was rambling about this cute guy I saw on campus in an acapella group he went to high school with and he was making a crack about it that was kinda mean so I left the room and he apologized later, but that's like...I mean I guess it's good? but that's it. We don't talk outside of Tuesdays and it's like...I don't even know what's going on...any other day it's like I don't exist.
11:45 PM Dawn: it's a step forward, though..
 me: it is...I just don't understand it
  haha...
11:47 PM Dawn: haha i think the main question is, if things never ended up being the same, would you still be able to grace hiim the way you are now?
 me: what do you mean?
 Dawn: if you guys never ended up being really good friends, would that be okay with you?
11:48 PM me: you mean in the future?
 Dawn: yes
 me: (sorry, I'm so slow tonight x.x haha)
 Dawn: haha no worries, no worries.
11:49 PM me: I think so...I think that the best thing that could happen is seeing God work in his life and that's the most important thing...I feel like that also allows God to teach me to grow in different ways at the same time...o.o does that make sense? hahha
11:51 PM Dawn: it does.
  delighting in others allows us to further delight in God Himself.
11:52 PM me: (LOL I have no idea what that means at the moment...SOWWIE =[)
11:53 PM Dawn: hahaha.
  it's alright.
  just seeing how God works in others and delighting and enjoying each other as people and as part of God's family allows us to further enjoy God more

Leave it to Dawn to be able to make me cry...not necessarily in a bad way, but in the sense that she can just take everything and form them into words that really hit me, that makes sense because she understands me so well and understands the way I function. She's really a blessing to have and I'm so thankful that through the years, even though we haven't been able to see each other for most of them, that we stayed close and I can really talk to her about everything and she'll understand and keep me in prayer (and vice versa!).


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