Wow...it's 2013 already. Where has the year gone?

I've been working hard this year to distract myself. I've been through so much pain and God has thrown so many lessons my way...He's taught me so much but the hurt still lingers. Maybe that just takes time. I still have those many, many moments where I walk with my head down, asking, pleading God to show me what I must do, to take the pain away from me.

I think the worst part of this was that it didn't start with New Year's last year. No, this started when you were in Taiwan in 2011. I could tell, you know? And you knew that I knew something was different. Something was missing, and it was the part of you that loved me. I gave you everything, everything. Maybe that's why I'm still sitting on my bed and crying, still sobbing in my car while driving when no one else is with me, still spending so many nights pleading with God to take it all away, crying and sobbing and relieving memories that are what they are- memories, wisps of things that have passed. To make it worse, New Year's 2012, you told me off. I didn't just lose my boyfriend in 2011. That hurt as it was. But I lost my best friend. The one who knew me in and out, who always had my back and knew I always had his, the one who could take one look at me (not even, sometimes) and know exactly what I needed and would be there for me. The one who never gave up on me even when I gave up on myself, my physical anchor when things got so tough I felt myself slipping away. Like senior year, when I waited for college decisions to come in. Losing him was what really killed me.

2012 had been such a hard year. I don't know how I managed to come out of it alive save for the grace of God, because if it wasn't for Him, I can guarantee that I would have been dead around this time last year. Dead as a doornail, and it would have been easy. So easy. Too easy. I've been trained to use a gun since I was little. I have knives lying around the house, and they are no strangers to me. Scissors. Pieces of glass. I could have gone to the drug store and overdosed on sleeping pills. I could have purposely hit an 18-wheeler on I-40 or easily gotten into an accident because I hadn't been paying attention. Humans are so fragile.

But that also shows the extent of God's mercy. I would have died a thousand times over because of all those reasons above but He told me, "No, child. Not today." And somehow, He lifted me, crawling out of the hole even though I would continually fall in it again and again and again. He's shown me over and over that He isn't done with me, and every time I couldn't see a way out, He provided me with one. Through the rain and the storms, heck, this whole emotional apocalypse, He's been there for me and has proved over and over again how much He loves me.

All my life, He's opened doors and closed doors at seemingly the best times. In retrospect, of course. Looking back, everything that happened had really happened at the best time possible, even though it may have sucked when I was going through it. Take moving to Hong Kong and moving back, for an example. He took my separation from my childhood and turned me into someone who is trilingual and can thrive in two completely different environments as well as spreading my international roots. Coming back to the States, He gave me a church I could return to and a youth group to be a part of, He gave me a boyfriend who I know was God-given to be with me through transitioning back here, through tough times, through the most important years of high school and to ease my transition into college; He gave me him to also encourage me in pursuing more to do with music which ended up leading me to an entirely new family- first pep band, now marching band (though it's true, I did NOT join marching band because of him). God closed the door to marching band freshman year so I could help my mom out at home and that was the best I could do to be the daughter I can be to my mother. He opened it this year, my sophomore year, and allowed me to spread my roots, allowed me a way to relieve stress and to meet new friends, make new, amazing memories. He opened the door to the worship and A/V ministries, both from which I'm learning and can learn so much more.

This year, it's going to be aimed to grow more- spiritually and emotionally and mentally. And...to hopefully grow less physically, haha. A new beginning, a new year...I know the hard times are far from over but I will still keep hoping and fighting by the strength of the Lord.

Happy New Years, everyone.