I love him enough to want the best for him.

It's true; I do. I love him so much it hurts, and I just don't have the strength to tell either of you. To tell anyone, really. And because I love him, I'm willing to curb away everything...so you two can be okay, so all three of us can be friends, so he can be happy, and maybe something good for me will come out of it (possibly not feel as attached to this place? Or to the people around me when I have to leave for grad school/work?) I mean...it's not that big of a deal. I've been (apparently) subconsciously doing it for a couple of years now. Sigh...I don't know. As much as I can live without him, I still love him, somewhere deep down inside. And somewhere deep down inside, I'm still struggling over whether it's loving and missing my best friend and big brother or the entirety he was- best friend, boyfriend, big brother. I'm like 99.9999999999% sure it's the former.

There was this one time he asked me what if he wasn't the right guy. And I said..."well, if he isn't the right person, then the hurt goes away...right?"
Why am I still hurting, then? When everyone else in this entire world is telling me to walk out and to stay away from you, why is it that every single time, something brings me back to you? Why do you always come back into my life in some way or another? Why are things always so complicated between us? Freaking, like...even you don't want anything to do with me and I'm still holding out a gun with a smile basically going, "shoot me =D" and you do. Every single freaking time without fail.

I think...I'm mostly just disappointed in you. You knew that you needed to change, to take a look at your life and be more mature and Godly and everything. You knew it, and I knew it because you told me. So...I'm hurt, mad, and disappointed. Please learn something from this.

It's true when I said I don't hate you. I could never hate you. You're like my little sister, and no matter what, I just don't feel hate towards you in any way, shape, or form. It just sucks to see you hurt, see you tired and break down and cry. I just want to see the best for both of you two. I want to see you happy, and not cry over the books you read. Whether it's with or without him, I hope you can find happiness, because girl, you deserve it. Thank you for being there for me and pushing away how you two were together to be a friend to me. You didn't have to, and I know it hurt to hear me rant, but you did. I don't know how I can...um...repay that, I guess. Not the right word, but I suppose you know what I mean...

FSDFJKLDS;AJFIOSAJFKLSJFIOASJFKLSAJFOISAJDFAWEOJFASKLDFJASIOFJSSA.

Rant over.