I'm done crying tonight. I knew I was going to hate myself for this, but after flipping through Fifty Shades again, I really wanted to go through old emails and conversations.

So I did. And I was right; I DID hate myself for it. I cried, I cried so hard, hugging Peterbear the whole time, trying to find a sliver of the person you were somewhere in him.

I think...the saddest part is that I came up with nothing.

It's only been three years, and so, so much has happened. Three years. Three years ago, I would have never imagined things the way they are now.

You know, I have a thing lately about not wanting to go home until...well, late. My theory is that I wanted to tire myself out so I wouldn't have to think. So I would go home and mechanically do chores and hang out with family and watch dramas and go to sleep. It worked well for about a week. And last week, I was in VA, so that doesn't count. I cried watching dramas and reading and stuff, but...tonight Idk. I just kind of cried for a while. Now, I just feel drained and tired.

To be honest, I really want to pick up my phone and text you. Or call you. I know you're online on gchat...even though you blocked me (well, not sure if you're still on now, but that doesn't matter anyway), so I know you aren't asleep. But I wanted to just call you. I wanted to talk to you, but I have no idea what I would say. I wanted to text you. It would also have been highly inappropriate of me to do so, from my perspective, your perspective, and her perspective. I feel like I'm interfering, like I need to just...leave. And I'm sorry.