This is it.

This is the last time I am going to reach out for help. Because...I really can't do this anymore. My heart has shut down completely. I have no emotions. I go through every day, smiling at things that are funny or laughing with friends, or even crying because something sad happened, but literally, underneath...I feel nothing. I am just done.

"I honestly have NO idea how you can deal with it."
=
"How do you look at her and wish that she's happy when you're CLEARLY dying inside. No matter how much you love her. Dude. It's painful to watch."
"I don't know. I guess them being happy together will make all of this worth it."
".......Do you really believe that?"
"Every time one of them hurts, it stresses me out even more. I'd rather them be happy. I can deal with this myself. Because...it's easier with one person than three people."
"But you can't. Can't you see? You're not helping yourself being in the situation. HOW DO YOU look at someone and tell them you're happy that she's loving the person you love most. How."
"Because I can see that he's happy. That's all there is to it."
"But you're not....you're far from it."
=
"Because I know how she's feeling. I've been there before, and I can understand. When other people ask why she took him back, I can understand why. Maybe...that's one of the saddest things about this."

[excerpt from previous entry]
"But I lost my best friend. The one who knew me in and out, who always had my back and knew I always had his, the one who could take one look at me (not even, sometimes) and know exactly what I needed and would be there for me. The one who never gave up on me even when I gave up on myself, my physical anchor when things got so tough I felt myself slipping away. Like senior year, when I waited for college decisions to come in. Losing him, not the boyfriend, was what really killed me."

So...I went back over my blog to see what the big deal was and I think I see what the problem is here.

I was talking to a friend this one time and he said that I was still attached to the person you were- not the person you are now. BIG difference. So...no more assumptions. I need to clear this up because this make up and then I hate you thing isn't working, and a huge part of it is miscommunication.

Man...we have issues. So no more "but you still like me" or "but you still have feelings for me" or any of that BECAUSE I JUST EXPLAINED IT. READ IT AGAIN IF NECESSARY. I'm pretty sure that includes me apparently being "clingy." Now you see why.

A couple of days ago, I received an email that made me cry. Among the many things she said, she said-

"there are little firsts left for us, but i do not lose hope because you, darling, you have been my best friend and my sister and will always forever be. so i cannot lose hope for you. that one day, you will be smiling from the inside out, that this world and its (transportational) limitations will not hinder you from reaching out and living y our life the way only you and your relentless fighting, loving spirit can.
darling, remember our love. remember your father's love. your sibling's love. remember remember and remember. hold onto them during your dark times and take them out of your jar when you feel as if you cannot stand anymore. darling, life is to be lived out on the knees in a world as cruel as this, but you must keep fighting. you must keep fighting.

happy belated birthday.
i wrote you a poem too. it's on my blog.

i love you. here's to another here of life. i am proud of you."

I am tired. I am so tired. But she's right. I must keep fighting.

"Remember remember and remember. Hold onto them during your dark times and take them out of your jar when you feel as if you cannot stand anymore. Darling, life is to be lived out on the knees in a world as cruel as this, but you must keep fighting. You must keep fighting."

"I am proud of you."