Have you ever wanted something really badly? For years and years, and you were finally going to get the chance to get whatever it was or do whatever it was you wanted to do? Bad enough that it made you happy for months on end just thinking about it?

Man...man. I was really looking forward to it this year. I mean, really looking forward to it. I've never stayed out late to watch a meteor shower before, and the last time I stayed out for about twenty minutes, it was smack dab in the middle of winter so it was FREEZING, and it was a lame one because it was one of the slower showers.

I really wanted to watch this one for my birthday. It was supposed to be a thing for my birthday. I was so excited, I was ecstatic. You don't even understand. When I finally had the go ahead for this, I was looking forward to it almost four months before it was even supposed to happen. The original plan was just a simple hang out to watch the meteor shower. Wendy said I could go over because the backyard was dark enough. And then you suggested having a party thing...for my birthday. And I told you (again) I was a terrible host and it was at your house. So we never really discussed this again.

A month ago, all of this got completely pushed out of my mind until  my friend asked me about it yesterday, whether it was still happening or not. I feel like she just ripped a band-aid off a freshly bleeding wound. It hurt, and tonight, when I went on tumblr, of course there'd be pictures and posts of it. Every one of them stabbed a knife in me.

To top that off, I had a fight with my parents today and that sucked. I was just...tired. Tired. I felt alone. Like I was just a piece of driftwood in the middle of the ocean. I had no anchor, I had nothing to hold me down. The little voice kept pushing me to recite Scripture to beat back the negativity, but all that came to mind was- "God, I know You're there for me. But...I'm so tired right now. I just want to lay down here and rest." I felt so alone. Just...alone. And then Jennifer asked me to facetime.

I scared her, apparently. I was just at the point where everything was funny even though I just finished crying. She was worried about me. She was scared, and she saw this as an emergency for me. There are no words to say how grateful I am to have her as a friend because she does so much for me to be my friend she doesn't have to. And there are no words to say how thankful I am that she's there for me, as are Dawn and Aaron (well...he counts) and Gracie and a couple of others.

I'm so tired...