So today started out fine. Woke up at home, went to church, home again to help my dad with some stuff...packed stuff, went to pick up Praise, ate the lunch my mom got me, dropped stuff off at the house...band meeting. After that...

I hurt someone I loved today. I hurt someone close to me.

I feel like a horrible person. I want to crawl into a hole and die because he did absolutely nothing wrong. It just...wasn't going to work out. I cried driving home after I dropped him off at his car because all I could think of was that I had lost another friend. It was going to be Peter all over again, and I was going to die.

Talked to Dawn about it for a bit, then grabbed a sandwich and chocolate and went to Elora's to hang out with her and Kristine. I was okay.

And then I walked into the band room and I couldn't even look at him. I just looked down, and when I heard his voice, I nearly broke down. I couldn't do it. Everyone was in the band room, and suddenly, it felt like everyone was calling my name. Thank God for Maddie, because when I said her name after she said mine, she looked at me, and she knew. And she understood, because that's exactly what happened with her and Jackson. Then walking down to the lot, guess which two people sat at one of the tables outside Carmichael?

That did it. I suddenly felt claustrophobic in the middle of everyone, and I started having a panic attack. Everything happening all at once was overkill, and so I hid behind a van with Maddie until I could pull myself together. I can't believe that they could see me at my lowest. Walking past the table, I couldn't even look up.

Then RecFest with Elora, and came up to the field to chill. Climbed a rock wall...but slipped just as I was reaching to ring the bell. It would have been SO me to reach out, stop myself, and keep climbing to the top again, but I hesitated, and the moment passed.

I'm starting to feel the effect of a second, the importance of even a millisecond. In basketball, marching, with people. The importance of that single second, because one second could cost you everything.

All out of tears now, and everything's been settled. I just realized how big of a support group I have in my family and friends. And I am so grateful. Suppose I'll just have to take everything slowly.