"There's nothing you could have done."

I always thought that those words, no matter how final, added cushioning to whatever blow may have been caused. And they do- that is, have potential. But hearing them again today only intensified the bitterness and anger and disappointment. Why couldn't I have done more. Why couldn't I have helped.

"You will never be alone again. Wherever you go, I go. You ride, I ride. You fight, I fight. And if you ever die on me, Dominic Toretto...I die with you."

It has always been a mantra- you go out, you go out swinging. If you're me, there's no other way to go down and lights out. But it isn't always like that. Sometimes, it's quiet acceptance, after everything is over. And I guess that's okay too.

-----

God, I feel like such a disappointment to my family. Sure, I'm helping my dad with a lot of things for his new business and whatnot, and I'm doing promo and research...not as much as he is, but still...today, he pitched the idea to me that I should go for a realtor license and then when I get that, we can start an agency and his company could work with the agency to make double the money.

He asked me what I thought about it, and I said...I would think about it. He looked at me for a second, said okay, and then left with a disappointed air.

Everything in me is screaming against it, screaming against the walls that I feel like are quickly closing in on my life...but then another voice is harsh, scorning me for not doing what I can for my family. I've been claustrophobic since I was seven, and this feels exactly the same as when I'm in a room with too many people, or locked in a small space. What do I do? Each step I take takes me further and further away from what I want to do, what my dreams and aspirations are...is that why I'm here? Is that why I'm born into this family, as wonderful and as amazing...to walk a life that's already been paved and lined for me, a concrete tunnel with no twists and turns?

When I started college, my mother wrote me a letter. She talked about the time we went to Delaware, a venture I had long since forgotten, when we walked through a park and I refused to be carried. I picked up rocks and hid them in my hands, throwing them out to bees and pigeons to scare them.
"This is you! You love adventure. You love to explore your own way and to seek for your own target. You are always brave to go forward."

No, no, that can't be right, then. It can't be that I am who I am, where I am, just to end up in a room with no way out.

We all die; it was destined as soon as we began to exist.

"What is it that you fear, my lady?"
"A cage."