I'm sick. Guess who's fault is that?

A completely cute, dorky, and amazingly nice guy by the name of...PETER...XD

Nawww. Peter Lin. I met him at the church retreat...= = we were playing bball together with some other guys when he turned to me and asked me if I minded if he took his shirt off. I said no and one of the guys were like, "SKINS VS. SHIRTS!"

Then. Peter pointed at me and everyone laughed - - XD

So anyway. He got me sick. = = I told my friend and she was like, "WHAT WERE YOU DOING WITH HIM??" And my jaw just fell SLACKKK. = =

meow. That's not even what I'm annoyed or struggling with.

No.

I'm struggling with meeting God.

My spiritual life is hanging loosely, and I don't know why. I know it's my fault, and I'm trying to repair it...I really am. Tonight, I tried to meet Him again.

Last time I tried, I heard Him talk to me. Not meet me. Talked. He told me that I needed more faith and patience. That He's here, but I need more faith and patience to see Him.

This time...this time it was harder. I tried...

It took longer for me to hear Him this time. Last time, He told me I needed more. This time, He told me He was here. I just had to look for Him. That the screen I thought had existed between Him and I turned out to be just a doorway with no door. I believed that I was trapped inside when there was absolutely nothing in between us. I tried walking through the door when I found out that my mind was past the door, but my body just wouldn't move. > <

Aishhh. > <

This time, I heard Him again. It was so faint, fainter than last time. He told me that He was here. That I need to persevere and not give up, not give up looking for Him. I saw a faint white shadow, and He told me that it's not even close to who He really is. I only saw a ghost of His light, a pale light. Today, He said to me, "I'm here, child. Look for me."

Until someone called my name REALLY loudly that it penetrated my aunt's huge closet's door and pulled me back into reality. > <

I hear things that He's saying to me...but it scares me sometimes...because I can't be sure if it's really Him or not. Like, I can tell. But sometimes, I'm not sure if it's my mind or if it's really Him. There was a voice today...when I thought about all the things I was going to tell Him, all the questions I wanted to ask, a voice said that He was going to make me great.

Was that even Him? Sometimes, it's so hard to tell between my mind's voice and God's voice...but at others, it's so obvious.

One of my prayers today was that He'd open the eyes of my heart so that I could see Him.

=

A friend once asked me what it was like to believe in God. She asked me what it was like to go to church- after all, all she knows is the interior of a temple.

So I told her that believing in God isn't always easy. Sometimes, it's so hard to hear Him...like having your ears plugged. You can't hear everything He's saying to you, can't hear what He wants to say. It's hard sometimes. But that doesn't compare to the other side of the relationship, the side where you actually DO have a relationship. It doesn't compare to how beautiful and wonderful that relationship is.