Ally's little blurp was about why she loves Michael. I think my throat somewhat constricted when I read through it; just the things she said brings a whole wave of memories, things I haven't thought about in a while.

I think 2012 is now officially the most painful year of my life. For now, anyway. Things can get much worse, and I know how blessed I am even just to wake up every morning. But there are times it just gets so hard. I'm so confused, and I'm asking God for answers. I know that He works at His own time, and that I have much to learn where I am now. He put me here for reasons I don't know. But He also provides a lifeline- Himself. That's all I'm holding onto. At least...that's all I want to hold onto.

My mother once said it might be because I want to know what it feels like so I don't want to let go of the emotion. Sometimes, I think she's right. Auntie Christine focused more on the idolization part, and I know she's right too. But I'm working to change that. She said I minimized all my emotions, that I just bury them and put up a facade, wanting people to know I'm okay.

Auntie Christine is right. Maybe my mother. I would rather not think that. But what's really going on? I've asked God to take away these feelings...and when He didn't, I blocked all emotions from myself without meaning to...for a while, I felt nothing. Now, I feel. But I have so many questions. Lord, take the feelings away, please? Lord, what is Your will? What will You have me learn in this aside from to lean only on You? Lord, what should I say? What should I do, how should I act? Take away the feelings, please? What would You have me do?

Another wave of nostalgia crashes on me like a roaring ocean's waves onto rocks, cliffs by the sea. Lord, won't You take these into Your hands?