Ahaha I gave this post its title because of the new nickname Kristine and Elora had for you...

So I was talking to my mom the other day about my reflections the past couple of years, and well, I guess we kind of talked about just how I've been sad the last two years. And then I told her about how my friends all said I was happier after...well, after you =) I was also talking to Dan Miller today when I went for a Cookout run for dinner with him and Aurelia after the jazz concert. About how friends are awesome and remembering fun times and stuff like that. Idk. It's just...I haven't felt happiness like this in so long. All my friends told me after the Miranda Lambert concert that I seem happier.

And it's true. I feel happier. Happier than I've been in a long time. I guess that's how it feels to breathe after letting go of something that just hurts and hurts and hurts. Maybe that's also why it's sad sometimes...because things just won't work out between us, apparently =\ why is distance an issue again? Maybe that's also why I'm having a hard time sometimes, because honestly...you've made me so much happier than I've been in forever.

You're the first person to make me feel remotely anything these past two years. You're a Christian, you're sweet and kind and patient and talented and amazing and laid back and passionate. You're the first guy to make me feel nervous and have butterflies and that fuzzy feeling inside in two years. Haha, I'd never thought I would fall for a blond guy, ever. I thought I had a thing for Asians and brunettes, but apparently not ;p by the way, you have amazing blue eyes; I know y'all's eyes change colors all the time, but at the beach, they were a stunning blue =] gosh, typing this up is making me smile. You make me want to smile whenever I see you smile. I love your hugs because the way your frame is built...it completely envelopes me. It makes me feel unbelievably safe, it feels like a puzzle piece fitting together. It is so warm and comfortable in your arms I never want to leave. Like the hugs down at the beach...the completely graceless one that I smacked into you? Hahahahaha sorry =\ it took me a while to register the fact that I was that close to you. But when you hugged me...it felt like everything in the universe was right. It felt like I had absolutely nothing to worry about, that I could relax and just breathe. I didn't want to move. And having your arm around me after we hugged at the cars...that felt nice =]

"All right, one last hug before you go."
I think about that all the time. I love that we hugged before everyone gave goodbye hugs and then you saved the last one for me. I know why you said, "I can't do it" at the end of the hug. I wasn't expecting you to kiss me =\ but I understand why you said it. I'm sorry if I seemed kind of...I guess uncaring that last moment. It's just...if I had looked back, I would have ran back to you and we would never leave. It really sucks that you're not in Raleigh, you know? =\ Like you said...things would be...different.

You know, that night we went to the concert...I was terrified. Things were so weird. I was out with the family that afternoon, and then I left early to go home, shower, and get ready. I wanted to dress in something cute; for some reason, I guess I wanted to at least look good. I...never have that compulsion to unless, y'know, I'm actually trying to impress. The whole night I really wanted you to put your arm around me or hold my hand. And that terrified me, because...I still had shadows from the past few years lingering behind me. It terrified me because I had no idea what to expect, why I was feeling those things. It terrified me because after you came up in April, I guess I started thinking about you more. After you kissed my cheek, I got in the car and freak-out texted Elora telling her how I think I liked you and how absolutely, completely scared I was. I was so scared because I haven't felt anything in so long it was completely foreign to me. After how dead I felt this summer, you made me feel...I guess alive. I suppose I was wrong in saying that no one would save me like I saved him four years ago. Because...you saved me. Well, I mean, God saved me, but in terms of people, God gave me you. I was completely emotionally dead, and you saved me. And for that, I'm grateful. Even if things really, really don't work out for us in the end, I'm entirely grateful. Well, if you're really not the guy for me...feelings go away, right? And we'll still be awesome friends. That's one promise we won't break.

I am so ridiculously excited to see you in two weeks =)